[Neverbeagain]

It's almost 2 years since I moved to a big city for college. I didn't know that I had an inferiority complex. I remember sitting in the class, not knowing who am I and comparing myself to others. I realized I felt inferior to them. To clarify, I chose a university where the social relationship you make are very important for you to have a career. I chose it because I thought it will make me grow and be a better version of myself, I wanted to be a scriptwriter, but I started feeling like I don't have what it takes in comparisons to others that where there. I didn't see so many films before entering this school, I couldn't make myself remarked, although people remarked me, I had friends and my first story was one of the best in the class. My problem was that I couldn't speak up, I doubted that I could make relationships with the other students and that I could succeed in this career. When I started to know I felt inferior, I became very ashamed. I had a beautiful relationship that time, but I couldn't be sincere about what was actually happening. I begin to feel a strong never-ending anxiety and fear of other people that followed me everywhere. I began to be nervous with my boyfriend, to lash my feelings onto him. I didn't know why I did those things, I couldn't accept my problem. At one point, I isolated myself from everyone. I wanted to know where these feelings come from, I spent many hours thinking why I can't speak up, but that was the first problem. I should have investigated why I felt inferior. After that, I retired in my own world. I wasn't present anymore. I became so depressed I had to take pills. My relationship deteriorated very badly and I have hurt him very much. But he sticked with me, although I was lost. I found a refuge in him and somehow I became complacent in my immaturity, always depending on him. I couldn't do anything for myself anymore. Somehow, I managed to get myself out of the depression by starting painting, which I always enjoyed, writing in my journal, going to school and by a new friend,but the bad feelings always followed me. Besides, I was very numb by the medications I took. The second semester ended up good, because I wanted to demonstrate I can, but after it ended I was sucked out of life and so exhausted that I ended up in depression again, this time worse. My relationship became very toxic and I would put him down constantly. I wanted to always feel loved so that I wouldn't have to feel those things. In the end, we broke up and everything became a nightmare for me. I felt terror, a deep sense of hopelessness, I was truly alone and I couldn't trust anyone. I always put a mask on my face and now I don't want to anymore. I'm scared that my parents, who wait for my succes will be disappointed. I feel like I waste their money. As a child, I was very successful because of this feeling, now I feel like I have given up. I have a very negative view of the world. I can trust no one, I feel that it will end up very bad for me and I feel emotionally blocked for a very long time. I have suicidal thoughts. I feel bad that it took me so long to accept this and I hate myself for what I have done to the people I loved. I really don't know what to do. Ive been in therapy before, but it didn't work, maybe because of me. I'm sorry that i posted here but I am truly desperate. Sorry for the english too. I have a vague idea what caused me to have these problems and I know I always had them. My mom was very strict with high expectations from me, she didn't spent much time with me when I was a child and never encouraged me. I alway felt alone and in danger. She would always say i could do better. I was always compared with a relative that was smarter than me by my grandmother who lived with us. As a child, I felt left out, sometimes the other kids would make fun of me and I got bullied too. I'm ashamed for making this desperate post, but I need some guidance. I, by myself, don't know what to do and I'm very confused for a long time, I don't know who I am and I can't see any good parts in myself. I also can't comunicate with others. This is my only chance.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Neverbeagain: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I noticed this is your first post. So… welcome to Psych Central. I'm sorry you have encountered so much difficulty in your young life. Please don't feel ashamed for writing your post. The overwhelming majority of us, here on PC, have struggled with problems similar to yours. And this is what we're all here for.

You wrote that you feel confused, don't know who you are, can't see any good parts of yourself, & need some guidance. You also mentioned having been in therapy before but that it didn't work. You didn't mention how long you were in therapy for or why you felt it didn't work. Therapy, of one sort or another, really is the way to work through the kinds of difficulties you're experiencing. Truthfully it can take a while to make real progress. It's also important to have a therapist you feel comfortable with. (Not every therapist works well with every client.) And then there are also other types of therapy beyond individual therapy. There's CBT, DBT & others as well. (I see you list yourself as being in Bucharest. I don't know what types of mental health services are available to you there.)

We here on PC cannot offer mental health diagnoses. But, from what you wrote, it certainly sounds as though social anxiety may be one of the problems you're dealing with possibly along with depression. You mentioned having some suicidal thoughts. And it also sounds as though you're struggling with a lot of shame. I don't know as I really have any particular answers for you. Hopefully there will be other members, here on PC, who will have some insights they can share. However, in the meantime, here are links to a selection of 11 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help. (Several of these are by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D.) The first article is on the subject of depression. The next 3 deal with the subject of social anxiety. Next is an article on depression & anxiety in college students. Then there are 3 articles that discuss shame. And finally 3 articles on managing suicidal thoughts:

Depression: Symptoms, Types & Treatments

Social Anxiety Overview

Social Anxiety Disorder Treatment

6 Ways to Overcome Social Anxiety

Depression and Anxiety Among College Students

https://psychcentral.com/lib/shame-t...emotion/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/buildi...o-shame/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/suicid...way-your-shot/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/suicid...can-teach-you/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...idal-thoughts/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

P.S. Here's a link to a childhood-emotional-neglect blog, here on PC, as well:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Neverbeagain Please don't be so hard on yourself. There's no need to be ashamed of yourself. You did nothing wrong. You're just struggling. I know it's painful. Please don't give up. I'm so sorry your therapist wasn't too helpful to you. I'd suggest to try to find another one if you can. It can take time before we're able to find the right therapist for us. It won't be easy. It will take time. But it can be done. Don't give up hope! Things can and will get better soon for you. You just need to ask for help. You deserve to be helped and you deserve to be loved. I hope you'll be able to find the help you need and deserve. You deserve to be happy and to live a good life just like everyone else does. Please try to be kind to yourself. You're a strong, wonderful person, Neverbeagain. Skeezyks gave you some great advice and links. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. I hope you'll be able to get the help you need and deserve. Stay strong, Neverbeagain. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Please don't give up. Try to hang on. Things will get better. Just try to do your best. That's all you can do after all. Ask for help. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Neverbeagain. You're a wonderful person

[Travelinglady]

Welcome to Psych Central, Neverbeagain! I'm glad you're here. I used to feel inferior too. Here's another forum here that you make find helpful: https://forums.psychcentral.com/step...r-self-esteem/

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to the forum Neverbeagain