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Old 03-28-2019, 11:46 AM #1
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Default Not being enough for myself

I have recently stumbled on a new barrier, well it's not new but it's the next one that I have been avoiding and now I can't.

There is something stopping me from trying and putting myself out there to make further progress. Part of this is pain, I feel chronic psychological pain ranging from emptiness and loneliness to feeling despicable with myself. This is stopping me from going forward but what's stopping me from tackling these issues is feeling the pain of them when I get too close. I'm talking to myself about it and asking myself why I keep walking away from this self that is in pain and all I have is that it is too much and what I have and who I am is not enough to work through this.

I cannot begin to describe the pain and sense of self abandonment this triggers but I can't see away around it.

In the last year I have managed to ensure i keep my room tidy, feed myself probably and go to the gym regualrly. I will slip now and again, but I check in with myself to see what I want and I recover quickly, but I remain pretty isolated and closed off from people i don't have a life i particularly can say I am proud of and I have jobs below my intellectual ability because otherwise I feel too overwhelmed. This brings me a great sadness but I cannot rock the boat without great resistance and a heavy reinforcement that I am inherently not worth the pain or effort.I

Any reading on this or guidance?
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Old 03-28-2019, 06:08 PM #2
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Default Re: Not being enough for myself

You could not do better than a couple or more books by world
expert on self-esteem,Nathaniel Branden. Strongly recommend his
"Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem",and "Honoring The Self". You are worth
buying them for.
Deepest Respect,
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Old 03-28-2019, 06:21 PM #3
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Default Re: Not being enough for myself

Im sending hugs. Thinking of you
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Old 03-29-2019, 04:50 AM #4
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Default Re: Not being enough for myself

I think a good question is what kind of progress you are looking to make? Is it professional progress? More friends? What is it you would like to move forward with? Sometimes identifying that can help us see the barriers between what we want, need or think we need. Also, being able to identify the barriers and why they might be there can help us figure out why we are having trouble.

I enrolled in a pre-requisite into to teaching course this past September. I have a BA in Lit and have been on disability but wanted to consider becoming a teacher. Immediately after I enrolled I started making excuses about why I couldnt get my act together and then I was overwhelmed and had to rush around at the last minute and make arrangements to get my observation hours scheduled. Then my 22 year old son had a stroke on Black Friday and I had to drop the course completely. Yes I would have had to drop the course due to him needing care but lets be real- I wasnt doing what I was supposed to be doing anyway and probably would have failed. Now I need to assess if I want to re-enroll and identify the barriers. I am my own worst enemy but I think it was my fear of failure and fear of change that was holding me back. His stroke was a shock but now that he is better I need to determine what it is I need to do. Its very hard when we have to be self assessors. I know I am bad at it.
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Old 03-29-2019, 04:34 PM #5
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Old 03-29-2019, 05:25 PM #6
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Default Re: Not being enough for myself

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, 502041 I understand this must be very hard for you. I completely agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it if you can and want! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings. I'm so sorry you're going through alll of this. Remember that you ARE worth it and that you DESERVE to get better and to feel loved just like everyone else does! You just need to work on yourself a little bit and on your self-esteem, but you can absolutely make it just the way you are right now! There's NOTHING wrong with you! Please remember that! Please try to reach out to a professional as soon as you can! I also completely agree with BLUEDOVE about trying some self-help books! I feel like that may be really helpful to you and a great way to start working on yourself! Please do consider it if you can and want! I hope things will get better soon for you! You're a strong, wonderful person! Please remember that! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! Keep fighting! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, 502041! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! You can do this! You've got this! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! Keep fighting! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this! Just try to do your best! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! Trust me when I say that! Trust me when I say that things won't stay like this forever! Things CAN and WILL get better! Things CAN get better! I promise you that! I'm s sorry you're going through all of this! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this! You don't deserve to go through all of this! You don't deserve to suffer at all! Nobody deserves to suffer at all, certainly not you! We all care about you here! We all love you here! You know we won't judge you! I promise you that! You WILL get through this! I promise you that! Just keep trying and keep believing in yourself and try to get the help you need and deserve, ok?
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Old 03-30-2019, 12:23 PM #7
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Default Re: Not being enough for myself

Thanks for all the suggestions and hugs :-) I am seeing a therapist at the moment but really struggle to say this stuff even though it's been 4 years. I think I am just gonna have to write this stuff down and our core focus is going to have to be looking at my self esteem.
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Old 04-09-2019, 11:08 AM #8
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Default Re: Not being enough for myself

Pete Walker speaks about abandonment depression in his book...

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA: Amazon.co.uk: Pete Walker: 8601200614091: Amazon.co.uk:
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Old 04-09-2019, 11:33 AM #9
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Default Re: Not being enough for myself

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thirty shades View Post
This is a very good book in my opinion

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Old 04-09-2019, 03:19 PM #10
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Default Re: Not being enough for myself

I read it a few years ago. Probably a good time to revisit!
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