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Question Apr 24, 2019 at 12:50 PM
  #1
Does anyone else find that being blamed and harshly berated for having feelings isn’t helpful?

How do you help your inner child when they are feeling toxic shame?

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Default Apr 25, 2019 at 05:26 AM
  #2
Fuzzy It is NEVER helpful.

For me if it happens I analyze what is said & if there is a shread of truth I persinally take it & analyze & see if a change in me is appropriate regarding the situation that caused the feelings.

If not I THROW AWAY anything they said (kinda like flipping them off). The analysis process helps me either way. If they do have valid points I can learn & grow.....OTHERWISE it strengthens my own self-validation ability & I become stronger as me. For me it has nothing to do with inner child.....it has everything to do with adult ME.

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Default Apr 25, 2019 at 08:18 AM
  #3
Because of total invalidation and dismissal of my feelings, if they didn’t agree with Mom’s, I became combative. When she was dismissive, I angrily balked. What good did it do me? It just gave me C-ptsd.

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Default Apr 25, 2019 at 09:06 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
Does anyone else find that being blamed and harshly berated for having feelings isn’t helpful?

How do you help your inner child when they are feeling toxic shame?
Fuzzy, you are clearly going through something right now. I wish I could help. I don't seem to be very helpful to anyone, but let me try here. Being blamed or harshly berated is no way to treat anyone. About anything. If someone actually did something wrong, then a simple admission, apology and an attempt to put it right should be all that is required. But people are complicated and complicit. There are some people who are so devoid of humanity they will never admit or see their own wrongdoing. Walk away from them. They mean you no good.

Anyone berating you for having feelings is pushing away their own guilt. No one wants to hear this, but I'll say it because it is what saved me: walk away.

If someone is physically abusing you, call your emergency services. Now. It doesn't matter if you are not bruised and bleeding, call them and ask for the help you need.

My "inner child" is dead. I was the walking dead for far too many years. Now I am all adult and I am okay with that. Being an adult lets me make my own decisions for my own well-being. Something to think about.
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Trig Apr 25, 2019 at 10:02 AM
  #5
Thanks Ice,
You’re always helpful. Those who tell you otherwise.... maybe... are disdainful and not trustworthy...

My inner child isn’t dead. The “adult” me is ..... a labelling therapist (irl) maybe wasn’t completely without “insight” .... but I won’t repeat those cruel words. They weren’t meant to help...

It’s sad when “insight” is used to harm. When “adults” violate and blame a child with a shred of “truth” - as if beating a child enough would make them a “better” person. I think not. those of us who have survived such violations and still try to be kind and are basically “good” people deserve respect. Imho.

Btw I’ve been dumped again by a t (“therapist”) irl but I’m not surprised. They didn’t seem to know what they were doing. But it still hurts.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IceCreamKid View Post
Fuzzy, you are clearly going through something right now. I wish I could help. I don't seem to be very helpful to anyone, but let me try here. Being blamed or harshly berated is no way to treat anyone. About anything. If someone actually did something wrong, then a simple admission, apology and an attempt to put it right should be all that is required. But people are complicated and complicit. There are some people who are so devoid of humanity they will never admit or see their own wrongdoing. Walk away from them. They mean you no good.

Anyone berating you for having feelings is pushing away their own guilt. No one wants to hear this, but I'll say it because it is what saved me: walk away.

If someone is physically abusing you, call your emergency services. Now. It doesn't matter if you are not bruised and bleeding, call them and ask for the help you need.

My "inner child" is dead. I was the walking dead for far too many years. Now I am all adult and I am okay with that. Being an adult lets me make my own decisions for my own well-being. Something to think about.

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Default Apr 25, 2019 at 10:03 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Because of total invalidation and dismissal of my feelings, if they didn’t agree with Mom’s, I became combative. When she was dismissive, I angrily balked. What good did it do me? It just gave me C-ptsd.
Total invalidation and dismissal of my feelings by parental units and other “adults” - ouch. Eff them all

(Not anyone on pc)

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Default Apr 25, 2019 at 10:09 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by eskielover View Post
Fuzzy It is NEVER helpful.

For me if it happens I analyze what is said & if there is a shread of truth I persinally take it & analyze & see if a change in me is appropriate regarding the situation that caused the feelings.

If not I THROW AWAY anything they said (kinda like flipping them off). The analysis process helps me either way. If they do have valid points I can learn & grow.....OTHERWISE it strengthens my own self-validation ability & I become stronger as me. For me it has nothing to do with inner child.....it has everything to do with adult ME.
Thanks Eskie

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Default Apr 26, 2019 at 12:29 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
Does anyone else find that being blamed and harshly berated for having feelings isn’t helpful?

How do you help your inner child when they are feeling toxic shame?
… with unconditional positive regard and love for them. Children are just children. There is nothing that any child could do or be that would make them less deserving than any other child on the planet. Really... if you can show me any child on this planet who you believe deserves anything less than safety, love, respect, warmth, kindness and compassion from every single adult she meets throughout her childhood, then I will give you a mirror to show you an adult who should not interact with children. There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with any child, other than what others have done to them.

How do you help your inner child when they are feeling toxic shame?
With unconditional love-bombs.

For our inners we buy them toys, find little things out in the world that we think they will love, like feathers, pretty stones, we give them soft blankets to snuggle in, and we also give them running commentaries in our head, like we treat them as they should have been treated.
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Default Apr 26, 2019 at 01:27 PM
  #9
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… with unconditional positive regard and love for them. Children are just children. There is nothing that any child could do or be that would make them less deserving than any other child on the planet. Really... if you can show me any child on this planet who you believe deserves anything less than safety, love, respect, warmth, kindness and compassion from every single adult she meets throughout her childhood, then I will give you a mirror to show you an adult who should not interact with children. There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with any child, other than what others have done to them.

How do you help your inner child when they are feeling toxic shame?
With unconditional love-bombs.

For our inners we buy them toys, find little things out in the world that we think they will love, like feathers, pretty stones, we give them soft blankets to snuggle in, and we also give them running commentaries in our head, like we treat them as
they should have been treated.
Thanks Amyjay, I appreciate your helpful reply

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Default Apr 29, 2019 at 12:56 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by IceCreamKid View Post
Fuzzy, you are clearly going through something right now. I wish I could help. I don't seem to be very helpful to anyone, but let me try here. Being blamed or harshly berated is no way to treat anyone. About anything. If someone actually did something wrong, then a simple admission, apology and an attempt to put it right should be all that is required. But people are complicated and complicit. There are some people who are so devoid of humanity they will never admit or see their own wrongdoing. Walk away from them. They mean you no good.

Anyone berating you for having feelings is pushing away their own guilt. No one wants to hear this, but I'll say it because it is what saved me: walk away.

If someone is physically abusing you, call your emergency services. Now. It doesn't matter if you are not bruised and bleeding, call them and ask for the help you need.

My "inner child" is dead. I was the walking dead for far too many years. Now I am all adult and I am okay with that. Being an adult lets me make my own decisions for my own well-being. Something to think about.

You're actually incredibly helpful and kind. I just posted a tribute to you (and others) in Kudos and Affirmation. You made me feel a lot better in my thread about parasocial relationships. I'll never forget how comforting your responses were to me.
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Default Apr 30, 2019 at 08:25 PM
  #11
My shame is toxic and internalized. I decided at an early age to believe the shame lies of my parents, but then to ignore the remainder of their input into my life. Whats left is an inclination to harsh judgement - what I do wrong makes me a bad person - and there is no one whose approval can make anything feel okay again. I'm in my 40s and like the Phoenix I will rise form the ashes... been saying that for a decade now. Perhaps tomorrow will be the day. God Bless...
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Default Apr 30, 2019 at 09:26 PM
  #12
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Originally Posted by splion View Post
My shame is toxic and internalized. I decided at an early age to believe the shame lies of my parents, but then to ignore the remainder of their input into my life. Whats left is an inclination to harsh judgement - what I do wrong makes me a bad person - and there is no one whose approval can make anything feel okay again. I'm in my 40s and like the Phoenix I will rise form the ashes... been saying that for a decade now. Perhaps tomorrow will be the day. God Bless...
It takes time & practice to reprogram those neural pathways developed when you believed those shame lies. Something we have to work at changing just like a stroke victim or a TBI (traumatic brain injury) person has to relearn how to function. It doesn't just magically happen one day.....it does take intentional work to change.

My T studies how the mind works to help us work through the changes we need to make. It was the only therapy after wasted years that actually has helped

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Default May 01, 2019 at 02:55 AM
  #13
Having feelings, is not helpful....
They over- react to stuff
Cause too much pain

If they had not been abused
I would have found them helpful....
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