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Old 04-24-2019, 12:50 PM #1
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Question Lack of validation of Feelings. Toxic Shame

Does anyone else find that being blamed and harshly berated for having feelings isn’t helpful?

How do you help your inner child when they are feeling toxic shame?
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Old 04-25-2019, 05:26 AM #2
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Default Re: Lack of validation of Feelings. Toxic Shame

Fuzzy It is NEVER helpful.

For me if it happens I analyze what is said & if there is a shread of truth I persinally take it & analyze & see if a change in me is appropriate regarding the situation that caused the feelings.

If not I THROW AWAY anything they said (kinda like flipping them off). The analysis process helps me either way. If they do have valid points I can learn & grow.....OTHERWISE it strengthens my own self-validation ability & I become stronger as me. For me it has nothing to do with inner child.....it has everything to do with adult ME.
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Old 04-25-2019, 08:18 AM #3
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Default Re: Lack of validation of Feelings. Toxic Shame

Because of total invalidation and dismissal of my feelings, if they didn’t agree with Mom’s, I became combative. When she was dismissive, I angrily balked. What good did it do me? It just gave me C-ptsd.
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Old 04-25-2019, 09:06 AM #4
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Default Re: Lack of validation of Feelings. Toxic Shame

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
Does anyone else find that being blamed and harshly berated for having feelings isn’t helpful?

How do you help your inner child when they are feeling toxic shame?
Fuzzy, you are clearly going through something right now. I wish I could help. I don't seem to be very helpful to anyone, but let me try here. Being blamed or harshly berated is no way to treat anyone. About anything. If someone actually did something wrong, then a simple admission, apology and an attempt to put it right should be all that is required. But people are complicated and complicit. There are some people who are so devoid of humanity they will never admit or see their own wrongdoing. Walk away from them. They mean you no good.

Anyone berating you for having feelings is pushing away their own guilt. No one wants to hear this, but I'll say it because it is what saved me: walk away.

If someone is physically abusing you, call your emergency services. Now. It doesn't matter if you are not bruised and bleeding, call them and ask for the help you need.

My "inner child" is dead. I was the walking dead for far too many years. Now I am all adult and I am okay with that. Being an adult lets me make my own decisions for my own well-being. Something to think about.
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Old 04-25-2019, 10:02 AM #5
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Trig Re: Lack of validation of Feelings. Toxic Shame

Thanks Ice,
You’re always helpful. Those who tell you otherwise.... maybe... are disdainful and not trustworthy...

My inner child isn’t dead. The “adult” me is ..... a labelling therapist (irl) maybe wasn’t completely without “insight” .... but I won’t repeat those cruel words. They weren’t meant to help...

It’s sad when “insight” is used to harm. When “adults” violate and blame a child with a shred of “truth” - as if beating a child enough would make them a “better” person. I think not. those of us who have survived such violations and still try to be kind and are basically “good” people deserve respect. Imho.

Btw I’ve been dumped again by a t (“therapist”) irl but I’m not surprised. They didn’t seem to know what they were doing. But it still hurts.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IceCreamKid View Post
Fuzzy, you are clearly going through something right now. I wish I could help. I don't seem to be very helpful to anyone, but let me try here. Being blamed or harshly berated is no way to treat anyone. About anything. If someone actually did something wrong, then a simple admission, apology and an attempt to put it right should be all that is required. But people are complicated and complicit. There are some people who are so devoid of humanity they will never admit or see their own wrongdoing. Walk away from them. They mean you no good.

Anyone berating you for having feelings is pushing away their own guilt. No one wants to hear this, but I'll say it because it is what saved me: walk away.

If someone is physically abusing you, call your emergency services. Now. It doesn't matter if you are not bruised and bleeding, call them and ask for the help you need.

My "inner child" is dead. I was the walking dead for far too many years. Now I am all adult and I am okay with that. Being an adult lets me make my own decisions for my own well-being. Something to think about.
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Old 04-25-2019, 10:03 AM #6
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Default Re: Lack of validation of Feelings. Toxic Shame

Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Because of total invalidation and dismissal of my feelings, if they didn’t agree with Mom’s, I became combative. When she was dismissive, I angrily balked. What good did it do me? It just gave me C-ptsd.
Total invalidation and dismissal of my feelings by parental units and other “adults” - ouch. Eff them all

(Not anyone on pc)
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Old 04-25-2019, 10:09 AM #7
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Default Re: Lack of validation of Feelings. Toxic Shame

Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover View Post
Fuzzy It is NEVER helpful.

For me if it happens I analyze what is said & if there is a shread of truth I persinally take it & analyze & see if a change in me is appropriate regarding the situation that caused the feelings.

If not I THROW AWAY anything they said (kinda like flipping them off). The analysis process helps me either way. If they do have valid points I can learn & grow.....OTHERWISE it strengthens my own self-validation ability & I become stronger as me. For me it has nothing to do with inner child.....it has everything to do with adult ME.
Thanks Eskie
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Old 04-26-2019, 12:29 AM #8
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Default Re: Lack of validation of Feelings. Toxic Shame

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
Does anyone else find that being blamed and harshly berated for having feelings isn’t helpful?

How do you help your inner child when they are feeling toxic shame?
… with unconditional positive regard and love for them. Children are just children. There is nothing that any child could do or be that would make them less deserving than any other child on the planet. Really... if you can show me any child on this planet who you believe deserves anything less than safety, love, respect, warmth, kindness and compassion from every single adult she meets throughout her childhood, then I will give you a mirror to show you an adult who should not interact with children. There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with any child, other than what others have done to them.

How do you help your inner child when they are feeling toxic shame?
With unconditional love-bombs.

For our inners we buy them toys, find little things out in the world that we think they will love, like feathers, pretty stones, we give them soft blankets to snuggle in, and we also give them running commentaries in our head, like we treat them as they should have been treated.
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Old 04-26-2019, 01:27 PM #9
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Default Re: Lack of validation of Feelings. Toxic Shame

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amyjay View Post
… with unconditional positive regard and love for them. Children are just children. There is nothing that any child could do or be that would make them less deserving than any other child on the planet. Really... if you can show me any child on this planet who you believe deserves anything less than safety, love, respect, warmth, kindness and compassion from every single adult she meets throughout her childhood, then I will give you a mirror to show you an adult who should not interact with children. There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with any child, other than what others have done to them.

How do you help your inner child when they are feeling toxic shame?
With unconditional love-bombs.

For our inners we buy them toys, find little things out in the world that we think they will love, like feathers, pretty stones, we give them soft blankets to snuggle in, and we also give them running commentaries in our head, like we treat them as
they should have been treated.
Thanks Amyjay, I appreciate your helpful reply
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Old 04-29-2019, 12:56 PM #10
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Default Re: Lack of validation of Feelings. Toxic Shame

Quote:
Originally Posted by IceCreamKid View Post
Fuzzy, you are clearly going through something right now. I wish I could help. I don't seem to be very helpful to anyone, but let me try here. Being blamed or harshly berated is no way to treat anyone. About anything. If someone actually did something wrong, then a simple admission, apology and an attempt to put it right should be all that is required. But people are complicated and complicit. There are some people who are so devoid of humanity they will never admit or see their own wrongdoing. Walk away from them. They mean you no good.

Anyone berating you for having feelings is pushing away their own guilt. No one wants to hear this, but I'll say it because it is what saved me: walk away.

If someone is physically abusing you, call your emergency services. Now. It doesn't matter if you are not bruised and bleeding, call them and ask for the help you need.

My "inner child" is dead. I was the walking dead for far too many years. Now I am all adult and I am okay with that. Being an adult lets me make my own decisions for my own well-being. Something to think about.

You're actually incredibly helpful and kind. I just posted a tribute to you (and others) in Kudos and Affirmation. You made me feel a lot better in my thread about parasocial relationships. I'll never forget how comforting your responses were to me.
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