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Perunica
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Grin May 12, 2019 at 12:47 PM
  #1
Hi to everyone,
I’m new on this forum! Sorry for my English it’s not my primar language.
I’m 40 years old, and I’m still struggling with issues with my parents. I always used to have very conlictual relationship with them. My father is a narcissist, an overt one, and my mother codependent. I never really feel loved, I always perceived that my parents love was conditional, and I had to fulfill they expectations. As soon as I could I left home, and went to live in another country (I was 23).
Now I see them 2 or 3 times a year, they usually visit me for 3-4 days, once a year, and I visit them 2 times a year for 3 days. I respect them but I don’t feel any love for them. Now they are at my home, visiting me, but I feel so irritaded all the time. I’m trying not to react on the things that bother me, but I’m so bad mooded all the time, I have troubles breathing, got some joint pains and I’m so nervous. They don’t really care for my bad mood, they don’t even notice. They just care about stuff I do, they take photos of my achievements to show off to their friends, saying they are proud of me. Other times I would get upset with some things they do or say to me, and we get into a conflict, then they usually tell me that I have a horrible character. When they leave I usually feel regret an guilt that I feel so irritated by them. I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t feel any love, just an obligation and need to make them feel fine. How can I overcome this feeling, and how can I stop feeling stressed when I see them?
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Default May 13, 2019 at 10:27 AM
  #2
Sorry you are going through this Perunica. It's very unfortunate when we grow up without empathetic parents. I've been there too. Would you consider talking to an experienced therapist about these issues?
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Default May 13, 2019 at 11:45 AM
  #3
Thank you for the answer, SilverTrees! I started with a psychotherapy one year ago. It's helping me understanding the things better, but I still can't modify my emotions. My psychotherapist says I should avoid contact with my parents. I brought it already to a minimum, but anyway every time I see them it's an unpleasant experience that stresses me. They manage to make me feel bad also on the phone. I don't know how to reach a point where I don't get bothered by the things they say to me or expect from me. I know that they can't change, but I can change my relationship with them, but I don't know how. I should act as an adult with them, but I just get upset like a teenager.
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Default May 13, 2019 at 06:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Perunica View Post
Thank you for the answer, SilverTrees! I started with a psychotherapy one year ago. It's helping me understanding the things better, but I still can't modify my emotions. My psychotherapist says I should avoid contact with my parents. I brought it already to a minimum, but anyway every time I see them it's an unpleasant experience that stresses me. They manage to make me feel bad also on the phone. I don't know how to reach a point where I don't get bothered by the things they say to me or expect from me. I know that they can't change, but I can change my relationship with them, but I don't know how. I should act as an adult with them, but I just get upset like a teenager.
I understand you very well Perunica. Life for me feels worse any time I communicate with my family. I live far away from them. Even a 10 minute phone conversation can turn my good mood into guilt and shame. If minimal contact isn't working, perhaps you could try zero contact for a while? See if that makes a difference? These problems are so deep and confusing and complicated. I wish I had some obvious solutions for you but I don't. Therapy helped me somewhat but also added some problems because I felt that my psychologist pushed me more toward my family than I wanted. I went along with it for a while until I became too tired and depressed. But that's just one therapist...perhaps others have a better approach? Please know that I care and want you to find the peace and joy that you desire and deserve. I think your present does not have to be your future. That's worth remembering.

I have a TCM doctor (PhD in Traditional Chinese Medicine) who helps me with my holistic health. He and I discussed my family problems. He suggested that i "start forgetting them but slowly over time." We have a bit of a language barrier but I think he was saying (based on our full conversation) that if family connection negatively impacts a person's health and the person is a financially independent adult, then that person should separate and move on with their own life in order to be healthy and happy. I should say that he has been so kind and supportive toward me. His words meant a great deal to me because I often feel guilty for not loving my family and for not wanting to talk to them.
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Default May 13, 2019 at 06:31 PM
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"I never really feel loved, I always perceived that my parents love was conditional, and I had to fulfill they expectations. As soon as I could I left home, and went to live in another country (I was 23)."

This is exactly how I have felt except I was 18 when I moved to another country. So sorry that you know this pain. It is spirit-splitting.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 06:15 AM
  #6
I understand how you are feeling Perunica.

Unhappy contact with our parents creates a cycle of retraumatising.

My narcissistic father became such a bully, I cut contact completely in the end.

I tolerated my mothers jibes and how she loved to reminisce about how awful I was as a child.

My parents divorced and so I only had to deal with one at a time fortunately.

They have both died now. But the trauma never dies...

It helps to cut contact but it does not stop them attempting to contact you.

I did try many times to explain myself but unfortunately they are not the sort of people to understand what they are doing.

You are not to blame for this and no contact seems to be the only advice I found helpful.

Sending warm wishes and much peace to you
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Default May 15, 2019 at 08:34 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Perunica View Post
Hi to everyone,
I’m new on this forum! Sorry for my English it’s not my primar language.
I’m 40 years old, and I’m still struggling with issues with my parents. I always used to have very conlictual relationship with them. My father is a narcissist, an overt one, and my mother codependent. I never really feel loved, I always perceived that my parents love was conditional, and I had to fulfill they expectations. As soon as I could I left home, and went to live in another country (I was 23).
Now I see them 2 or 3 times a year, they usually visit me for 3-4 days, once a year, and I visit them 2 times a year for 3 days. I respect them but I don’t feel any love for them. Now they are at my home, visiting me, but I feel so irritaded all the time. I’m trying not to react on the things that bother me, but I’m so bad mooded all the time, I have troubles breathing, got some joint pains and I’m so nervous. They don’t really care for my bad mood, they don’t even notice. They just care about stuff I do, they take photos of my achievements to show off to their friends, saying they are proud of me. Other times I would get upset with some things they do or say to me, and we get into a conflict, then they usually tell me that I have a horrible character. When they leave I usually feel regret an guilt that I feel so irritated by them. I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t feel any love, just an obligation and need to make them feel fine. How can I overcome this feeling, and how can I stop feeling stressed when I see them?
Sounds like you find your parents to be a toxic influence. It's understandable you'd feel irritated by them since they don't take your feelings into account, and instead focus on boosting their ego through your achievements. Rather than actually try to understand why you feel the way you do they only see the feelings on the surface, rather than the motive behind them since their narcissism doesn't let them see themselves as the cause of anyone's problems. I'd honestly be pretty angry too if I were in your place since I really don't like egoistic people.

The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is to avoid them as much as possible. Spending time around toxic people in general is a sure way to develop health problems eventually.

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Default May 30, 2019 at 09:21 AM
  #8
I definitely understand. You’re not alone. My mother is a textbook narcissist. My dad definitely enabled her to some extent; basically he avoids conflict and her personality is very domineering. I do love my dad, but I very much dislike my mother.

I have lived in a different country since my early 30s. I’m in my 40s now. They visited only once years ago. I visited more recently than them but haven’t been back. Partly it was financial, I went through some tough experiences job-wise. But I really felt like she didn’t want to see me, and, of course she makes the decisions about traveling to visit family. For example, they would plan for the family to get together and choose the destination without involving me. It was always somewhere that would have been very expensive/hard to get to for me and my husband. They always have time/money to visit my siblings, but not me. I stopped skyping with them after several times where she scowled and barely spoke the whole time. I mean, who needs that? She exuded hostility.

I made a few recent attempts to email and skype with her after she had been diagnosed with some health issues and memory problems, but it was the same as ever. She sure didn’t seem to enjoy it and I hated it. Even my husband, who had said maybe I should make one last attempt at skype, afterwards, acknowledged it was awful and he could completely understand if I didn’t want to try ever again. Some people have said I should visit her because her memory isn’t getting better, but if skyping was that bad, I think it would be even worse in person.

These days I have limited contact with my father through social media, but that is it. Neither of them seems like they want to reach out any more than that. I mean we recently bought a house and they didn’t send a housewarming gift and haven’t even asked how things are going with the situation.

If you need to limit contact for your own well-being, I would say go ahead. You have every right to put yourself first. Just because someone is a blood relative doesn’t mean you are obligated to receive poor treatment from them. Hugs and good luck!
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Default Jun 01, 2019 at 10:39 PM
  #9
I have never liked my parents and have always wanted to get away from them. when people say that they love their parents I don't know what they are talking about. I am still stuck with them. they have completely ruined my life. I am in utter confinement and trapped in every way and I long for the day they are dead so I can finally live.
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Default Jun 02, 2019 at 06:42 AM
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I think if you slowly continue to distance yourself you will feel much better. Just know that on the few occasions you see them, it will feel uncomfortable. I’m sorry you have to experience this. I’ve been there and I definitely know how hard it is.
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Default Jun 22, 2019 at 01:39 PM
  #11
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I think if you slowly continue to distance yourself you will feel much better. Just know that on the few occasions you see them, it will feel uncomfortable. I’m sorry you have to experience this. I’ve been there and I definitely know how hard it is.
I am becoming more and more distant, and our conversations are reduced to a minimum now. My mother thinks I'm ungrateful. Sometimes I envy people that have loving and understanding parents.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 02:06 PM
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it's sad that parents are like this.

I don't speak to mine either now, and though it's a good thing (they were very very abusive) it's sad

I'll never get another set of parents. they are the only ones i'll get and I can't rely on them for support

I just think it's sad
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 02:07 PM
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is anyone else sad that they don't speak to their parents?
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 04:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Perunica View Post
Hi to everyone,
I’m new on this forum! Sorry for my English it’s not my primar language.
I’m 40 years old, and I’m still struggling with issues with my parents. I always used to have very conlictual relationship with them. My father is a narcissist, an overt one, and my mother codependent. I never really feel loved, I always perceived that my parents love was conditional, and I had to fulfill they expectations. As soon as I could I left home, and went to live in another country (I was 23).
Now I see them 2 or 3 times a year, they usually visit me for 3-4 days, once a year, and I visit them 2 times a year for 3 days. I respect them but I don’t feel any love for them. Now they are at my home, visiting me, but I feel so irritaded all the time. I’m trying not to react on the things that bother me, but I’m so bad mooded all the time, I have troubles breathing, got some joint pains and I’m so nervous. They don’t really care for my bad mood, they don’t even notice. They just care about stuff I do, they take photos of my achievements to show off to their friends, saying they are proud of me. Other times I would get upset with some things they do or say to me, and we get into a conflict, then they usually tell me that I have a horrible character. When they leave I usually feel regret an guilt that I feel so irritated by them. I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t feel any love, just an obligation and need to make them feel fine. How can I overcome this feeling, and how can I stop feeling stressed when I see them?
You don't have to love your parents. Just because one of your father's sperms fertilized one of your mother's eggs which nine months later became you doesn't mean you have to love them or like them. It doesn't make them your family either. You decide who your family is, and it has nothing to do with biological origins.

Stop feeling obligation toward them, especially since they make you feel so bad. Maybe stop visiting them and stop allowing them to visit you and just communicate via e-mail from now on, or if what you really want is to have them out of your life for good, then do it. You owe them NOTHING.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 04:16 PM
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I have never liked my parents and have always wanted to get away from them. when people say that they love their parents I don't know what they are talking about. I am still stuck with them. they have completely ruined my life. I am in utter confinement and trapped in every way and I long for the day they are dead so I can finally live.
I know exactly how you feel. I feel so much bitterness and rage toward my parents. They were neglectful of their children, emotionally and physically. After my dad died a few years ago, my mother suddenly became all lovey-dovey and supportive because of course now she's alone and so wants to pretend with her children that she was a loving, wonderful mother, which is as far from the truth as it's possible to be (I can't imagine a colder, more disinterested or uncaring mother!).

I stopped speaking to her regularly about a year and a half ago and five months ago told her I want no contact with her, and I told her why and blocked her number.

Anyway, when I see parents on TV loving and supporting their kids, I feel like you: I just don't get it. It makes me cry because I'd give anything to have had loving parents. Their neglect and indifference has screwed me up so completely, I've lived in a dark hole since I was a little kid.
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Default Jun 28, 2019 at 11:35 AM
  #16
how are you doing?

not seen you post to this thread for a while..
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Default Oct 09, 2019 at 12:25 AM
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You don't have to love your parents. Just because one of your father's sperms fertilized one of your mother's eggs which nine months later became you doesn't mean you have to love them or like them. It doesn't make them your family either. You decide who your family is, and it has nothing to do with biological origins.

Stop feeling obligation toward them, especially since they make you feel so bad. Maybe stop visiting them and stop allowing them to visit you and just communicate via e-mail from now on, or if what you really want is to have them out of your life for good, then do it. You owe them NOTHING.
I haven't seen or spoken to my parents for years. I would eventually start talking again for a short time but I'd get sucked back into the negative feeling like I'm a loser and a fami!y embarrassment of they would constantly talk about my brother, and how he was killing it i.e. Money, job, professional standing, etc. I'm glad he .com g well but my parents did it to reinforce my place. So I finally figured out FORGET THEM and stopped communicating.

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Default Oct 15, 2019 at 12:34 PM
  #18
Yeah, it makes me sad, but when I try it's a disaster and only brings me stress. Right now I am in a very difficult work situation that will probably lead to my losing my job. I haven't told anyone in my family. I feel like I am only going to be made to feel worse if I did.
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Default Nov 04, 2019 at 03:39 PM
  #19
I'm sorry your parents don't treat you well. I think every time they visit or vice versa it Re traumatizes you. I had parents you were not empathetic. I had to cut contact with my abusive parents.
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