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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 09:24 PM
  #1
So sometime around the end of April I found a property(lot) for sale that I used to play on as a child. It butted up to my mom's lot, in a wooded area. This area was part of an Old Town Settlements , Moravian. I'm sure there are some interesting markers on those properties. Anyway, when I saw it I contacted the owner and made an offer quiet a bit lower than the asking price. I called mom and let her know about it and she was all excited and wanting to look into the property history as well. She offered to pay for the property but I told her I would get it. Since she is my only heir, and I am hers it didn't seem to make much difference on who bought it, or who's name it was in. The Owner accepted my offer and I bought the lot.

Since then my mom has not spoken to me and we used to talk daily. I would say I was surprised but she used to do this to me as a child and would withdrawn her love and attention if she was not getting her way. I moved out from her house when I was 16, because she wanted to charge me rent when I started working a part time job. My dad was paying child support and felt she was abusing the situation. So when I moved out I had to move all my furniture myself and she told me she didn't want anything else to do with me. For over a year we didn't talk.

I want to have a relationship with her, she's in her eighties. But how can I when I feel so hurt, angry and abandoned by her again?

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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 10:34 PM
  #2
Darling, I don't have the foggiest. Sounds to me as if you've done everything aboveboard. Where your mother is coming from, God only knows. But you must take care of yourself first. You now own the lot. That's something. What in the world is going on with her is a mystery. She may be trying to manipulate you in some sick way. Or -- something else may be occupying her attention. But since she has a history of this I would not depend on her to support you in any way. You are going to have to get support and reputable advice from someone else.

Do you have another close relative who knows her, and you? Anyone else you can share this with?
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 02:54 PM
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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 12:15 PM
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It sounds like your mother needs to feel she is the "manager" and needs to have the control of things. If that is threatened in any way she withdraws in anger. This developed a long time ago in her and isn't anything you can change about her. Her not being able to buy that lot was about her wanting control over it, when you chose to buy it yourself, she could not handle that and withdrew. What you did not see as a problem was to her a problem. That's how she was when you were younger too, so as you can see, that never changed in her.

You will probably outlive your mother, and eventually will own two lots that ajoin each other. In the meantime, however, your mother will probably continue to withdraw anytime she isn't given full control. You are willing to share, she can't be that way and never could be that way.
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Default Jun 13, 2019 at 09:34 AM
  #5
That's odd. Could she have some dementia?
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Default Jun 14, 2019 at 04:24 PM
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I'm going to guess that your mother had at least one domineering, oppressive, and/or abusive parent. Usually when someone regularly uses passive-aggressive tactics, like your mom does, it's because one or both of their parents were despotic. She doesn't know how to just talk to whomever it is she's angry with, because she learned as a child to bottle her emotions/needs or else face negative consequences from her parent(s). Maybe I'm way off the mark here re: your mom, but I'm probably not. At any rate, it might be best for you to just wait until she talks to you again. She's 80 years old, and it's unlikely that she will change at this point, but I don't think it's good for you to keep letting her be an a-hole to you.

So I'd probably just send her an e-mail or text or phone message saying that you're ready to talk whenever she is. And then don't contact her again after that. Wait for her to contact you. She will, eventually. And she might also perhaps learn that the silent treatment isn't going to have the effect she craves anymore.

I have kind of a similar situation going on, and it relates to your post. I stopped talking to my mother about six months ago, because I don't want her in my life right now. She and my father were neglectful of their children, and I don't mean to be dramatic but it basically had such a tremendously devastating effect on me that it ruined my life. I'm ignoring her for kind of passive-aggressive reasons (I can't deny that I do want her to feel some measure of the hurt and pain I've dealt with my whole life because of her), but I mostly just genuinely don't want her in my life anymore. When I discussed this with my sister, she basically told me to just bottle my feelings and keep talking to my mom anyway, keep pretending that all is well, because my mother is getting old, and my sister thinks I'll regret breaking contact with her if/when she dies. This relates to your post in that it's important to NOT bottle your feelings and ignore your needs and let yourself be mistreated simply to keep making the person who has hurt you (or is hurting you) happy and content in their little bubble where they can treat people like crap and get away with it.
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Unhappy Jun 15, 2019 at 01:28 AM
  #7
She may have some dementia, though this has been a lifelong pattern with her. She did send me a birthday card, though there was no money inside. She usually sends a small amount for me to have a meal or buy my own birthday cake. Her card was nice and seemed to be like nothing was going on. If it were not for my birthday I doubt I would have heard from her. When she gets mad she withdraws her love until you comply. And I'm sure she's telling everyone that I was the one that started this and she's playing the victim role, again something she's enjoyed since I've known her. How do you set boundaries with someone in their 80's?

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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 01:15 PM
  #8
The maternal unit always played the victim role. She was never angry at the paternal unit who had multiple affairs and left her.... all her anger was directed at me. And I was always “the bad person”

I remember her telling me “I’m withdrawing from you”

I did not realise at this point this ... further ... withdrawal would be for many years..

A fitting punishment for being a bear cub?

I’m sorry about the situation with your mother. I don’t know how to set boundaries with someone of that age especially if there could be some dementia.

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Default Jul 26, 2019 at 12:55 AM
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Well mom eventually called and left a message on my answering machine that she just called to see if I was dead. I know she was joking...or was she. I called her back and we talked, or she mainly talked and she was quick to get off the phone but I stopped her, and asked her why she stopped talking to me. She said her feelings were hurt that I didn't let her pay for some of the lot and put her name on the deed also. That she thought I was being selfish. First she never mentioned wanting to pay for the lot or have her name put on the deed. She had prior knowledge that the lot was going to be for sale but she didn't want it until I was already in the process of buying it. The conversation pretty much ended after she called me selfish. What's different here is that if I hurt her feelings it was unintentional. She , on the other hand, intentionally did things to hurt me and it has changed our relationship. Can't put my finger on it, but I feel like I lost my mother, and she just an acquaintance now.
Every since I have been working anything she wanted she had. Even raised her when I was just a child. I've thought about sending her a letter and let her know how I feel, but that may just make things worse.

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Default Jul 26, 2019 at 05:09 PM
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Using silence is a form of abuse. You can write a letter of 'Restorative justice...restorative justice says...this is what you did; this is how it made me feel. The letter is for you. Rarely will an abuser acknowledge or apologize for their behavior.If you decide to send a letter; she will either go silent again, or deny or lash out at you.
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Default Jul 26, 2019 at 10:29 PM
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Yes, she may do one or all of those things. She must feel that things are not right between us. When we talk I mainly listen, which is pretty much normal. She rarely asks how I'm doing but she does ask about the pets. She's in her 80's and has a live in boyfriend who has always been jealous of our relationship. I expect he is egging her own, or maybe not, she's capable of doing all this on her own. I never thought she would use such spite against me. But I've seen her do it to others, so why not?

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Default Aug 03, 2019 at 10:40 PM
  #12
and she's at it again. I didn't answer the phone when she called. She and her boyfriend wanted to come over and drop something off and I didn't feel like company. I'm still trying to sort out why my mother acted out of spite and intentionally hurt me. They came by my house anyway, and saw my car here. I didn't answer the door and by that time was a little pissed off that they would come over without talking to me. I waited about 40 minutes after they left and called them and left a message on their answering machine. This was Wed, July 31st. I haven't written the letter yet, wanted to wait and let emotions settle down. Not sure when my emotions will settle down. I cry every time I think about it.

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Default Aug 31, 2019 at 07:30 PM
  #13
Hi Trace, I'm sorry, I just noticed this post just now. Not having a very good year myself this year tbh.

Well, the truth is that your mother is from a very different generation and at 80 years old she more than likely will not change in her behavior patterns. The only one that can do that is you and I think you are slowly figuring out what things won't work too. It's much like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole at this point when you try to do anything new in hopes she will change her way of being. Also, as people age they gradually lose their filter so there will be things she will do without even thinking about how it affects others.

I am sorry about that, I understand that is hard as often we always have some "hope" a person might change for the better when often they never do and may even get worse as they get older too.
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