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Question Jun 16, 2019 at 11:36 AM
  #1
Do you think these skills are learnable?

Of course, if the other person (irl..) is unwilling, all the kindness, warmth, empathy, conflict management /resolution skills and attempts to grow will hit a brick wall

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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 01:50 PM
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Is warmth a skill? Interesting concept...
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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 01:58 PM
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Skills are learnable, in my opinion. Warmth is natural I would think. For some.
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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:21 PM
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I think we are all capable of learning and growth. Assertiveness courses are available. I feel a too low right now to learn as my memory is shattered.

I watched an interesting video today. We are our natural selves until triggered. Then we resort at times of deep pain into out primal beings.

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 04:39 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Thirty shades View Post
I think we are all capable of learning and growth. Assertiveness courses are available. I feel a too low right now to learn as my memory is shattered.

I watched an interesting video today. We are our natural selves until triggered. Then we resort at times of deep pain into out primal beings.

Much love to all
Good post. I think that’s exactly right... we are our natural, kind, selves until triggered. Then when in deep pain and triggered we resort into our primal beings..

Thank you for your insight dear friend

Much love to all.

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Default Jul 28, 2019 at 04:14 PM
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Learnable? God I hope so. I've come to accept that warmth is something I will permanently lack. I'm not the type of person that exudes warmth. I tend to come off as aggressive if you don't know me, until you get to know me. Then you realize I don't give a ***** and you were right about me. This is not something I'm proud of. I hate blaming things on the past but the experiences you go through in life can make you this way, if you let them I guess. We have a lot of growing to do. Are you trying to be more warm and connected to people? Let me know what's working for you.
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Default Aug 01, 2019 at 11:33 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Thirty shades View Post
I think we are all capable of learning and growth. Assertiveness courses are available. I feel a too low right now to learn as my memory is shattered.

I watched an interesting video today. We are our natural selves until triggered. Then we resort at times of deep pain into out primal beings.

Much love to all
Deep pain usually means a threat to our well being & the mind at times like that is actually normal for it to go into "flight, fight, or freeze" mode to protect itself. That function is in (non-technical terms) the emotional mind. In that state, the (non-technical term) logical mind (frontal lobe) is shut down.

From personal experience, we can learn how to connect from good experiences & learning what it feels like little bit at a time until we can actually recognize it. I actually started that with my dog Leo in my mid 50's. It hit me one day that wow, this is what love & emotionally connecting feels like. As I got to know more people in my community there were some I experienced that same feeling with. Yep..I compared it to what I felt with my soul mate dog.

As far as warmth goes. I kinda sense (with me at least) that is was something hidden deep inside of me. I could care & help people & to them it must have looked like warmth. It wasn't until connection actually started to happen & I recognized it that the warmth that had been hidden away really started coming out.

Growing up I always sensed there were more to other people's relationships than I was experiencing at home or in my marriage but until I was able to get away from the dysfunction that had surrounded me for 54 years of my life & start experiencing something different I could never experience it myself.

As for conflict management skills my best learning experience was (& still is) the DBT section on skills for Interpersonal Effectiveness. Actually put into practice several times & it helped me get through the encounter last year after 11 years away from my not yet EX -H (he is now) when I had to deal with him on a court issue regarding marriage assets. Any time I got near him before I left him my anger would get so bad I would literally see red. Last summer those skills put me in control.

Yes.....we can ALWAYS learn & grow to our dying day & it is truly an amazing experience especially when looking back to realize just how much we have learned.

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Default Aug 01, 2019 at 01:25 PM
  #8
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Do you think these skills are learnable?

Of course, if the other person (irl..) is unwilling, all the kindness, warmth, empathy, conflict management /resolution skills and attempts to grow will hit a brick wall
Warmth, emotional warmth, I don't know, Fuzzy. That may be an innate trait.

But conflict management you DEFINITELY can learn, as EskieLover says. Over many years I've plugged along trying to learn effective ways of doing this. Definitely there has been improvement. One important thing I've found for myself is to avoid criticizing the other person, and stick with those "I" statements. I've also found that I can't do defiant, dominant, or feisty. I just have to respectfully state my needs to the other person and hope for the best. Sometimes there will be accord, sometimes, sadly, not.
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Default Aug 02, 2019 at 08:42 AM
  #9
Thanks everyone for the replies

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Default Oct 16, 2019 at 02:28 PM
  #10
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Learnable? God I hope so. I've come to accept that warmth is something I will permanently lack. I'm not the type of person that exudes warmth. I tend to come off as aggressive if you don't know me, until you get to know me. Then you realize I don't give a ***** and you were right about me. This is not something I'm proud of. I hate blaming things on the past but the experiences you go through in life can make you this way, if you let them I guess. We have a lot of growing to do. Are you trying to be more warm and connected to people? Let me know what's working for you.
I relate to this. I have come to realize that my attachment style is insecure/avoidant except to my kids. I tend to see everyone as abstract art on a shelf that I like. I occasionally take them down and enjoy myself but put them back . The fact that I can attach to my kids is proof I am capable.

Our past molded us , for good or bad. It is up to us now to do the work to become the person we want to be.

I'm on a path and by no means have I figured it all out. The better version of me I am, the easier it is for me to connect with others. I'm not a heart on my sleeve person either, but I so desperately want real connections in my life.
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Default Oct 18, 2019 at 06:12 PM
  #11
Interesting thread Fuzzybear

Are we referring to whether or not we can learn how to provide these things for ourselves? Or for others?

I have heard that if we were not provided these things in childhood, that we are unable to provide them to both ourselves and others in adulthood.

While this may apply to some cases, personally I don't agree with this in all cases.

Because we can still learn them from others in adulthood, or from ourselves.

Which means we can learn to provide these things for ourselves AND others later on in life.

For instance, I struggle with a deep yearning for nurturing that I didn't get as a child. I have never found this in large supply from others, but I have found it from animals, teddy bears (yay!), blankies, diapers, bedtime stories, asmr audio videos, etc.

I think if someone never had warmth in their life - perhaps they need a model relationship. Typically this can be found in a safe relationship - which models these healthy qualities and through personally experiencing these qualities - an individual can then go out into the world with a first hand reference and deep understanding of what warmth may look like. Same can be said for nurturance and conflict resolution.

Certainly nature and nurture both play a role, but 99.9% of humans crave these things... Perhaps we cannot find them in ways that are normal - but that is partly why we are all so unique and different.

I know that seeing the way my parents argued as a child, certainly played a role in how I argued and dealt with conflict in adulthood. But I also realized it was unhealthy - and on the other hand, seeing how healthy people argued and dealt with conflict resolution allowed me to learn by example. Adding this to the mistakes made when utilizing ineffective conflict resolution skills - I had every reason to learn new ways of handling conflict.

So in short - yes - our brain and capacity to learn are always a possibility - but there is alot of effort that is required.

I hope I answered your question,

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

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