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may24
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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 03:36 PM
  #1
I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My father was physically and psychologically abusive and that caused a lot of harm for me. My mother never did anything to try to protect me or herself (in fact she would often try to justify his behavior).
I learned from a very young age not to ask for anything. I was always trying to control things/making sure everything was okay. I'd try to anticipate to other people's reactions, try to please everyone, read other people's reactions, etc.
I had to learn to ignore my emotions and needs and I would often dissociate.

I still struggle with dissociation, emotional dysregulation, codependency and self-destructive behaviors. However, I've made a lot of progress in the past few years. Understanding my story and that it wasn't my fault has helped me a lot.
What hasn't changed is the fact that I often feel like I need someone to look up to and be able to trust them and feel comforted/ protected/...safe.
I'm constantly on guard and I have a lot of trust issues in general.
My whole life I've had this tendency to idealize older women (often in positions of authority) that were like a mother figure to me. It's like I'm still unconsciously trying to get those needs met.

I understand that no one will be able to give me that "sense of safety and unconditional love" that I'm looking for (especially because I often tend to look for it in people that are emotionally unavailable).
I know it's my responsibility to take care of myself now, but there are times when I wish someone would come and "save me", I guess...
I don't know, it's so exhausting.
It's even harder when I'm going through periods of stress. I feel so powerless and vulnerable.

I think my mother's emotional neglect has caused me more pain than all the abuse I went through. It hurts so much and I feel like it's never gonna end...

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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 10:28 AM
  #2
((((((((( may24 ))))))))
I can relate I also feel my mother’s emotional neglect has caused me more pain than the abuse from other abusers . I definitely don’t think it’s a good idea to look for a “strong” older woman to look up to and be close to, there are too many people around who take advantage of any vulnerability .... vulnerability which is absolutely normal to have after a profoundly neglectful and abusive childhood. On the other hand, having close friends can be very healing. Just be very careful who you trust. I’ve been burnt many times by people I somewhat trusted Although I’ve always been hypervigilent, some emotional predators somehow slipped past my radar I also have trust issues

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Default Jun 20, 2019 at 10:51 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear View Post
((((((((( may24 ))))))))
I can relate I also feel my mother’s emotional neglect has caused me more pain than the abuse from other abusers . I definitely don’t think it’s a good idea to look for a “strong” older woman to look up to and be close to, there are too many people around who take advantage of any vulnerability .... vulnerability which is absolutely normal to have after a profoundly neglectful and abusive childhood. On the other hand, having close friends can be very healing. Just be very careful who you trust. I’ve been burnt many times by people I somewhat trusted Although I’ve always been hypervigilent, some emotional predators somehow slipped past my radar I also have trust issues
Thank you for your words Fuzzy I'm sorry to hear you've felt betrayed by poeple you trusted. It's really hard... I'm very isolated right now and sometimes I feel like I would like to have a close friend or have someone to talk to... I keep everything to myself (even when there are people who care; I often end up pushing them away) and that doesn't help.
I have social anxiety and I often feel like I don't belong when I'm in a group of people.
I'm trying to be compassionate towards myself andf take care of my inner child... but I feel so lonely sometimes and I don't know how to go on.
I feel more like a little girl than like an adult.
I hope you're doing okay *hugs*
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