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naturalemotion5
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Frown Jul 01, 2019 at 11:44 PM
  #1
I just want to reach out and see if anyone has experienced something like "unintentional" childhood neglect. Or if it can even exist as a concept.

Because when I was young it felt like my parents fulfilled basic parental duties but could not juggle the responsibilities that came with my early childhood mental illness. Like getting yelled at and blamed for not being organized enough, or crying too much, or not passing milestones like my peers. Then getting ignored/not getting proper parenting when they became "overwhelmed."

My parents both have mental illness themselves, so it makes me wonder if the burden of a difficult child made them turn away and as a side effect left a lot of problems/me feeling abandoned. If anyone else has experiences similar to this, I'd appreciate your take.
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Confused Jul 02, 2019 at 03:15 PM
  #2
Yes I think I can relate to this. (I can't say if unintentional childhood neglect can exist as a concept.) My parents are now long-since dead & my childhood was many decades ago. But I've often thought I probably, for the most part, had good parents. And if they had had a "normal" child, I think things would might have gone well.

Unfortunately what my parents got was a depressed, anxious, fear-ridden, gender dysphoric kid. And it was at a time, & in a place, where mental illness was something to be feared, embarrassed about, & swept under the rug; & where mental health services were non-existent. I think they probably did the best they could under the circumstances. But it all just turned out wrong.

I could go on. But I'll spare you the details. I do think though that the various types of neglect I experienced were unintentional. I think they really believed they did the best they could for me. And I'm quite certain they died thinking I was the most ungrateful little twerp any parent had ever had the misfortune to produce. Sometimes I think they may have been right.

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Default Jul 13, 2019 at 12:13 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by naturalemotion5 View Post
I just want to reach out and see if anyone has experienced something like "unintentional" childhood neglect. Or if it can even exist as a concept.

Because when I was young it felt like my parents fulfilled basic parental duties but could not juggle the responsibilities that came with my early childhood mental illness. Like getting yelled at and blamed for not being organized enough, or crying too much, or not passing milestones like my peers. Then getting ignored/not getting proper parenting when they became "overwhelmed."

My parents both have mental illness themselves, so it makes me wonder if the burden of a difficult child made them turn away and as a side effect left a lot of problems/me feeling abandoned. If anyone else has experiences similar to this, I'd appreciate your take.
I definitely experienced unintentional neglect. In my case my parents provided food & clothing & a roof over my head. Back in my day growing up in the 50's & 60's they had no idea how dysfunctional they were or WHY. They did the best they could.....but I know my dad had developmental issues even though he married my mom at the age of 27 & she married him because he was the only guy who even bothered to pay attention to her. They both had so many issues & had no idea how to connect emotionally (never had friends they socialized with either).

They had no idea how to handle a child who was normal & didn't have problems but wanted to thrive in life but was very limited by their dysfunctions & their own limitations. I fought against it as much as possible just trying to be like others around me but some things just couldn't be & actually I was surprised when I finally was able to connect with normal people that what I thought was normal actually wasn't. That didn't happen until I was in my late 50's & both my parents had died (I was an only child) & I left my own dysfunctional marriage. I finally got an outstanding therapist & in my new town 2100 miles away from my past started learning what life really was like & developing all the parts of me that had been hidden inside for so long. It was finally time I could develop the whole me without having to constantly battle the dysfunction I had been surrounded by. The last 12 years have been the most peaceful & awesome years of my life finding out who I really am without being constantly surrounded by dysfunction.

When I first had a breakdown in 1994 & insurance forced me to start therapy (42 at the time) & I had several suicide attempts I remember my mom commenting (my dad had died 5 years before that & I had been married 20+ years) that they had not been abusive she just couldn't understand why I was having problems.....they had been good parents. They were the best they were capable of being....BUT only after 2010 I was finally able to put words to exactly what the problems had really been all those growing up years & all the years of my marriage that were just a continuation of my growing up years even though physically different in that we both had computer engineering careers. Everyone I lived around said I was the common denominator....but when they were all out of my life it proved to be otherwise.....& it was their same dysfunctions that created the lack of emotional connections. I always wondered if that was all there was to connecting with people....I learned later in life that it wasn't.

Some peoples dysfunctions & their own mental issues do cause unintentional neglect even when they are sure it isn't. I propagated it in my own daughters life but we have now worked through the difficulties between us & that is awesome to finally connect better with her even at this point in life.

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Default Jul 20, 2019 at 12:28 PM
  #4
I don't think my parents intended to neglect me. Like you, I had the necessities of life, but my brother was the one they put their effort into. I was the one who could never live up to their expectations. I was the scapegoat for the family. I don't believe they even realize how their neglect contributed to my problems. They just showed their disappointment, and put more effort into raising my brother, their favorite. Believing it was unintentional has helped me with forgiveness, though I have no contact with my family now. Just because I forgive them doesn't mean I will allow them to continue to treat me with disrespect.

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Default Aug 03, 2019 at 08:52 PM
  #5
I definitely think the neglect can be unintentional. However, if the parent never recognizes or tries to make any changes then whether or not it’s unintentional becomes irrelevant. It wouldn’t be possible to form a healthy relationship in my opinion.
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Default Aug 16, 2019 at 05:33 AM
  #6
My parents unintentionally neglected me. My brother has autism and was diagnosed when I was a baby. My mom once claimed that even as a baby I had such a connection with my brother that I would not cry when he was melting down so she could tend to him. At that age, it's not possible. It's more likely at that age, I'd already learned it wasn't worth crying. I don't know for certain I was neglected as an infant, but I have heard the stories of what my brother was like at that age and I don't think our mother could have tended to both of us. Considering my lack of attachment to my parents, I think it's likely my emotional neglect started that early unintentionally.
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Default Oct 21, 2019 at 12:14 AM
  #7
I am pretty certain I (and atleast the past generation in my family) suffered real, genuine, emotional neglect....I'm now ever bit as sure, this was completely unintentional. Hugs n respect to everyone.....I've posted/whined so much in this forum, knowing others have/had it said far worse x
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Default Oct 27, 2019 at 04:24 PM
  #8
Yes. I was neglected as a child and teen by my parents. It was unintentional, but no less scarring. I had no idea that wasn't normal until later in life.
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Default Nov 25, 2019 at 08:48 PM
  #9
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I don't think my parents intended to neglect me. Like you, I had the necessities of life, but my brother was the one they put their effort into. I was the one who could never live up to their expectations. I was the scapegoat for the family. I don't believe they even realize how their neglect contributed to my problems. They just showed their disappointment, and put more effort into raising my brother, their favorite. Believing it was unintentional has helped me with forgiveness, though I have no contact with my family now. Just because I forgive them doesn't mean I will allow them to continue to treat me with disrespect.

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Default Feb 20, 2020 at 05:22 PM
  #10
From my biological parents unintentional neglect, cause they were both schizophrenic and unmedicated.

From my grandparents, they just didn't like me too much to care, maybe they saw that I was odd and said I was just like my parents. They never said crazy or mentally ill, but I assume that is what they meant.
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Default Jun 20, 2020 at 12:31 AM
  #11
Is it "Unintentional Neglect" if "both" parents are diagnosed as Mentally Ill?

My Dad was Schizophrenic (on Thorazine and Stelazine (sp).

My Mom wasn't diagnosed until I was about 23, or so.
She was diagnosed as Depressed with some Paranoia.
Then, later on, she was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizo.

My parents never showed their emotions, except for their fighting with each other. If they didn't like something that I did, they would "alwas" send me to my room; sometimes for long periods of time. I found that "very" odd as a kid. I tried talking to them (both), about things in life, like "my feelings" on their fighting, or on things happening to me, and they just shut me out. We NEVER discussed any "feelings, or emotions, and how to deal with them, either together, with one parent, or both. Oh, I'm an only child, so all I had was my friends to talk to.
I know (now), that they did the best that they could, at the time. I told my Mom that when I was in my 40's and she told me that she never thought about it, that way.
Both of my parents have passed away, but I loved them, for who(m), they were regardless.
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Default Jun 20, 2020 at 05:39 PM
  #12
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Originally Posted by Buffy72 View Post
Is it "Unintentional Neglect" if "both" parents are diagnosed as Mentally Ill?

My Dad was Schizophrenic (on Thorazine and Stelazine (sp).

My Mom wasn't diagnosed until I was about 23, or so.
She was diagnosed as Depressed with some Paranoia.
Then, later on, she was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizo.

My parents never showed their emotions, except for their fighting with each other. If they didn't like something that I did, they would "alwas" send me to my room; sometimes for long periods of time. I found that "very" odd as a kid. I tried talking to them (both), about things in life, like "my feelings" on their fighting, or on things happening to me, and they just shut me out. We NEVER discussed any "feelings, or emotions, and how to deal with them, either together, with one parent, or both. Oh, I'm an only child, so all I had was my friends to talk to.
I know (now), that they did the best that they could, at the time. I told my Mom that when I was in my 40's and she told me that she never thought about it, that way.
Both of my parents have passed away, but I loved them, for who(m), they were regardless.
If neither parent is capable themselves & don't have a clue how to be a parent because they have serious issues if their own, it can't very well be intentional toward you. Sometimes the best we can do is love them for who they are.

Both my parents were dysfunctional. I loved them but growing up, I did very little with them because it was embarrassing to be around them with other people. I could deal with them much better when not living with them. Wasn't until after they both died & I was in my 50's that I figured out what the causes of the dysfunctions were & could work on correcting how it had effected me

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Default Jul 16, 2020 at 03:40 PM
  #13
I didn't see this and just opened a similar thread

I've been a very difficult daughter and regret it so much. I used to blame them but i was wrong
Other factors triggered my aggressivity during the last years and they did try to cope with my behaviours but i was way too aggressive They've been suffering mental illness and were good people
They put all the efforts, expecially my mother

Last edited by Gasplessy; Jul 16, 2020 at 04:46 PM..
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