Finally feel like I may have an idea of what has been sabotaging me at every turn

Hello. I had always harbored a deep resentment of my parents my entire life or at least from the age of about 6 or 7 onward. I was never able to discuss anything to do with emotions. I was taught to feel embarrassed whenever I would have the urge to bring up such a topic. It was nothing that was ever explicitly said or anything. Its really hard to explain. I can just remember an ugly awkward feeling anytime I wanted to discuss something emotional with either of my parents. I cant tell you how it started or why. My Mom died about 7 years ago in 2012 from cancer and now my Dad has it and will probably be gone in another year or so.

When my Mom died I began to feel an intense amount of guilt for carrying around my feelings of contempt for them. I knew they did something wrong when I was growing up but they also took really good care of me. I always had a nice place to live, enjoyed having toys and whatnot so I wasn't neglected like the word would initially apply. Dont get me wrong. I love my parents and feel so so guilty that I should ever have the nerve to accuse them of neglecting me in any form. At the same time tho I know something wasnt right and it left me very socially screwed up and I also had a few physical attributes that would make me stand out as a kid. My teeth were terrible, I was short and also very skinny. So now you know what came next. Bullying to the upteenth degree that would make me suicidal in middle school.

We had our house for sale for 10 years from when I was 7 to 17. I always knew at any minute I would be forced to leave my friends and everything I knew to be thrown into a new place where all the bullying would start fresh all over again.

It seems like the nightmare really began when my parents pulled me out of the county school I had been in since 1st grade. I would start 6th grade at a private Catholic school now. Their excuse was that if we moved I would be better prepared to handle the schools in Florida as they had a poor opinion of the county schools in MS where we were at. I did not want to leave that school. All my friends were at this school and the subject of my physical attributes had never been an issue with those kids. They all knew me and liked me. I even had two girlfriends at the same time in 2nd grade....lol. That would be the only time that would ever happen as I remember having no self esteem issues then. I remember just being so free without all the image problems crushing me under all its weight. I would give everything I have ever had to just feel that way again.

Once out of county school and now at this private school, life became a living hell. I was immediately targeted by the bully and he made it his project to hurt me as much as possible that entire year I was there. You see, I made the mistake of talking to a girl he liked my second or third day there. He came up behind me and kicked me in the *** as hard as he possibly could. He was also at least a foot taller than me. Just alot bigger. The whole class errupted into laughter and the teacher blamed me and threw me out of class. I was chastised by the principal and sent back to class, totally shamed about as bad as I thought it could get. It would get much worse. Lets just say I was sent to the hospital on one occasion.

What burned me as a kid with my Dad was that one day I was being bullied when he came to pick me up from school. So he sees what is happening and comes out of the car yelling at them and yelling at me to what in the hell was I doing? Huh? WTF? Why is it my fault?

You see, they were trying to sell their house and this kind of stuff just stressed them out more and was pissing them off. They were always *****ing about this person and that person and about the house not selling and what not. I was making matters worse with all the problems at school so it became my fault.

I didn't mean to get so far into the details so I will stop. The ability to talk about emotional things was just not possible with my parents and I feel that left a giant gap in a feeling of being close with them. I was not close to my Dad. At all. If anything I was closer to my Mom but not close in a " I could talk to her about anything" kind of way. If I opened my mouth it was a chance I may receive a lesson on how I wasn't perfect and I shouldn't expect perfection in life. I shouldn't be that critical of others when I should be looking inward. I had no idea other than I was being blamed so I quit bringing it up. It just became a "taboo" subject in our house. I can remember being insanely jealous of others that talked about how they had a close family. My Dads relatives were horrible people and were written off in short order. I would find out later in life that he was horribly abused by his Mother and how all that filtered down into his relationship with me. My Mother was orphaned at age 15 so she had no family either except for the 2 folks that adopted her. I would have somewhat of a relationship with them for a few years. A financial problem would later arise and they would be "written off" also. I had no one other than my Mom and Dad. No one to offer different opinions on things. All I knew was what I got from them.

After feeling like my life would wind up a " complete " failure if I continued getting my advice from them so I sought out my friends parents for advice.
Anyone other than my parents. I can remember I would just roll my eyes any time my parents would try to advise me on something. I can remember feeling intense rage if I felt my Mom or Dad was right about something that I felt differently on and ultimately they wound up to be right for a change. They would take the opportunity to rub it in my face quite nicely as well.

Much more disfunctional than it would ever appear on the surface. I didnt mention that I was an only child as well did I? I know that didnt help at all. I was spoiled rotten and also waayy over protected. I would grow to resent a lot of decisions that were made for me out of my safety. I would never be allowed a car for high school. I was furnished a moped. All other friends had dirt bikes and cool things when I was a younger. I was furnished a sears 3hp go cart that couldnt get out of its own way. My teeth were terrible as I had mentioned and runied my confidence for years. I wouldn't see braces until we finally sold the house and moved. It would still be 3 long years of torment until I was 20. Finally I would have strait teeth but the damage was done. Even when they looked fine I couldnt take smiling in front of strangers. Being short and skinny didnt help either and I would fight for years eating weight gainer and trying to work out and build some mass but my height thing was unchangable. I could have dealt with that alone but with all the other added stuff it became too much.

One day I was with 2 of my "friends" and we happened upon these 2 chicks in the apartment complex parking lot we hung out in drinking beer and such. They started cracking on these girls and I made the mistake of joining in. They unleashed a barrage of insults that would tear me apart. They picked me apart and found every single thing wrong with me and made joke after joke and my two so called friends joined in on the party. I would leave after being completely 100% humiliated more than I had ever felt up to that point. After that I was never able to approach a girl I didnt know again. I just had so much anxiety when I would try. All I could see were those chicks insulting me and I would begin to panic that if I went and talked to this chick she would begin to berate me in what every public place we were in and I would be publically insulted all over again.

I know I have gone way off script and I apologize. This is the first time I have ever done anything besides think about all this stuff. I know it goes beyond CEN but it does go into some of the results of the neglect and how it will manifest later in life. I am debating on whether or not to post this but I think I really need to. WTF right....lol

it's good to vent and get it out their.

how do you feel now that you have?

(we're here anytime!)

Its good to finally put thoughts to words. It has caused me to begin thinking about a lot of things that I have really suppressed over the years. I keep thinking about things that were said or how situations were handled that really did some damage. The worst part is that I know it was just out of pure ignorance. They weren't intentionally trying to inflict harm. At least that is how I see it now and that seems reasonable given that they truly weren't bad people. On the other hand it seems that maybe if a little more time was spent on situations instead of just blowing them off because they didn't see that it was of any real importance things would have probably turned out a lot differently.

Hindsight is always 20/20 I guess.

do you journal? (or have you ever journaled)

journalling is a great way to let things out (I find anyway)

no one stands in the way to judge you. it's you and the paper (or online if you prefer).

that's what I did. an online journal for around 7 years.

I think it's still active, too. but I only really keep it because my poetry is in their. (the only place I keep it)

I don't post to it now though.

I'd talk to it like a friend.. it was all I had!

Thanks RV. I haven't ever journaled. May not be a bad idea...lol. I did alot better when I was away from my parents. Now that my Mom is gone and my Dad has cancer, I am back living with him again. Long story but after losing my house and wife to an addiction problem with pharms from a work related injury I wound up back living with them when my Mom got sick. My Dad was so lonely I just stayed and now that he's sick I cant leave. I am helping out and wouldnt want to be anywhere else right now.

Inside tho, and it may sound shallow but I cant stand being here. All my insecurities have returned and we get along but we dont at the same time. I feel like a 10 year old kid all over again and I'm 49. Due to all my internal BS I was never able to secure a long term relationship of any substance and never had any kids. Now I am stuck here and have gotten more and more isolated as the years have gone on. I moved away from all of my friends when I came up here 90 miles away and now have just lost interest in keeping up with anyone. I have given up on finding another partner. I dont have the social skills to meet anyone in a pick-up environment. I can talk to customers and other people all day long at work but when it comes to going out or something on my own time I just hide at home and cant bring myself to do it. I wouldnt have the time anyways with helping with him so I have just given up. I'll just do my thing once his illness runs its course I guess.

Pretty sad huh. Ive never put it into words but that is how things are. Sounds very selfish I know but I have no life other than Dad. Nothing has changed as far as getting any kind of response when wanting to speak about how my Mom dying has been for me. Its all been about him losing his wife. It seems unimportant about her being my Mother and losing her. Its just a screwed up situation. I am finally ready to get some help because I cant stand things as they are anymore.

do let me know if you start journalling and if it helps you

a journal doesn't even have to be in the form of a daily diary. it could take the form of doing random exercises- today I'm going to write what I'm greatful for, today I'm going to write about something that means something to me, it's your personal space- so anything goes

I'm glad you're here and I hope it's helping

Thanks for sharing. I relate to this. I was raised in a home with a lot of verbal and physical abuse, while at the same time the parents took good care of their kids in what they need from housing, clothing, foods, school tuition .. etc. The thing is taking good care of children while emotionally and physically abusing them and disrespecting them don't go hand by hand, and the negative always dominates the dynamics of the relationship, regardless of the positives. That's why you are angry while having the feeling of guilt because of it, which I suffer from, too. See my thread here. The defining moments in my relationship with my parents is when I wasn't at my best. When I made mistakes. When I failed. They were not supportive and very critical. It really misses one's life to have critical parents who are not supportive and respectful. Now every time I communicate with them, the past abuse is always present in my mind and it affects how I talk and treat them. The problem is they think they are the best parents in the world, and I am just ungrateful child, and it's impossible to acknowledge how I feel from their treatments!! All my social anxiety goes back to how they treated me, and now I have depression because of the social isolation, and my life is in bad shape because of that. I do blame my father while acknowledging the need to move forward. But it hasn't been easy. I still feel angry and resentful and have been struggling to forgive and let go to move forward and live my life.

Thanks Nx. You are correct when you say that your past defines you. Ive heard people say that it may sound good to want to go back in time and change things but its those things that have made you who you are. WHat doesnt kill you makes you stronger. Bleh. Makes me sick. What doesnt kill you just makes you die even slower. As far as changing the past and changing who I am, Id change the whole damn thing and not give two shits.

Ive just grown to be a real cynical person. Very bitter about a lot of things. I guess thats normal given the situation, huh.

I saw that link Nx, I will check it out in a bit. Thanks.

I grew up very sensitive to any remark, which makes me bitter towards people as everything they do I interpret to mean judgment and criticism or neglect or whatever. This has its root in how my father treated me. Knowing it doesn't mean I can control it. There are much stronger forces in play in our lives than out rational mind, which controls only 10% of our actions. Without letting go of the past, it's difficult to move forward. This has been my struggle for years.

I can totally relate. I am VERY self conscious of anything going on around me. If I hear people near me start laughing really loud I automatically think its about me. It takes everything in my being to not turn around and look when I hear something like that.

What sucks is I know that how I'm feeling even tho I am trying hard to not show it, is communicated 100% in my facial movements or how I'm looking at them, eye contact...yada yada. They can tell immediately that I'm loathing myself. Its got to be so obvious. Some people just have it so easy. I looked up my bully on FB the other day which was probably one of the worst things I could have done. What do I find? Of course he has a pretty wife, 4 kids and a great life. That was his reward for wrecking my self esteem. I've read alot of studies that say bullies turn out perfectly normal but the bullees turn out all screwed to hell. Not too hard to figure that one. What struggle do they have?
Very bitter about this and really having some very disgusting fantasies about what needs to be done to that Mf'r.

Anyways, off that subject...lol. I started out as an honor student with very good grades but after all the bullying and having no support at home to deal with it my grades dropped significantly. All I would hear is how I was wasting their hard earned money that they were paying for private school by not "trying" hard enough. You have "so much potential" but you are just wasting it.

So they took me out of that school to another "Christian" school. I was there for 7th and 8th grade. I was pretty quickly singled out by the bully and it all would hit a climax when the kid put a lit molitoff cocktail in my locker. Lit. Meaning if it had been just a little bit closer to the door when I opened it I would have been covered in gasoline and flame. Thankfully it was a bit further back so it didnt move when I opened the door. I was in shock. I went to the principals secretary and all **** hit the fan. They had NO CHOICE but to pay attention to this as it was so serious. The kid fled the school and was picked up by the cops in the mall parking lot across from the school later that afternoon. He was expelled I think as I never saw him again and would never go back to that school.

Traumatized? Sure. Was I surprised? No. I had come to expect things like this over that 3 year period. Funny thing is I was a perfectly normal kid up until 6th grade. It all began to go to hell when my parents decided I needed to go to a "better school". Well, that one single decision was the beginning of a life full of addiction, sadness, pain and loneliness. I hope they got their money's worth.

Letting go of my past for me has been an issue too as you can see very vividly I'm sure. This just scrapes the iceberg. I know by putting up a wall and blocking all this out, all it does is allow my subconscious to feed on this when I'm not aware of it. I just dont know what to do so I just block it out. I'm 49, no kids and time is running out for me and Ive tried things but I'm still who I am and I feel that its gone on for so long that all these negative traits are ingrained in my psychie now. I really wanted a family but I just dont think it was ever in the cards. I just have to learn to accept it so I can move on I guess.