Do I have a right to feel this way? Mind-controlling religion & dysfunctional family

Hey. I'm new to this forum. I'm going to try and keep this short and sweet because I don't have time to write a book and I want to directly relay what I've gone through and am feeling.

My experience is multifaceted. I grew up in a very mind-controlling religious sect/cult while also dealing with a highly dysfunctional family life rife with emotional abuse and neglect.

For perspective, I'm female. For more perspective, my mother was a victim of sexual and emotional abuse/neglect and this deeply affected her ability to parent properly. My father is totally religious, buys into the sect ideology and I idolized him as a kid. I found out later on he's actually a major hypocrite and chronic cheater and completely neglected us, leaving my mom to provide all of our food, shelter, and clothing. Ironically, they remained married for some reason before ultimately divorcing after 30 years. I have one younger brother and one older sister. I did not have any grandparents growing up or close relationships with cousins.

Dividing this into 2 parts.

The religion/cult:
- we're right and everyone else is wrong. Us vs. them mentality. Don't associate with others who believe differently from you, unless you are trying to "save" them. I bought into this completely
- no jewelry, make up, nail polish, secular music, secular movies, fictional books (non-fiction only). This made my adolescence, forming friendships and just growing into a healthy adult extremely awkward and friends were basically non-existent. I alienated so many people and lost so many potential friendships because of my stupid beliefs
- no celebration of holidays to include Christmas, Easter, Halloween, etc. This made relating to other people impossible
- no celebration of birthdays (that's a self-centered thing according to them). Again, relating to others was impossible. In hindsight, this is wrong to do to children
- eating meat was sinful and was never God's plan. We grew up vegetarian and then became vegan. I bought into this completely. This is probably one of the worst things you can do to a kid
- obviously no alcohol, parties, etc. And I did as I was told.

Dysfunctional home life:
- mother in particular hated that I was an overachiever. She made sure to make her disgust known whenever I expressed any goals regarding college or anything really. Sometimes it was blunt, "I don't care" or eye rolls. I was also a tomboy and a bit introverted. She hated that I wasn't a girly social butterfly. I'll be honest, I felt her disgust. I did wonder if something was wrong with me.
- my sister received the brunt of emotional abuse ("stupid *****, diva," etc.); because I was goodie 2 shoes, often I was just told to shut up if I expressed dissent. My brother disrespected her constantly and got his way
- "I wanted all boys." Like I said, I was a goodie 2 shoes. She hated that. She loved that my brother was "mischievous"
- every day was an argument, which included lots of yelling and name-calling. The years 2010 and 2011 (I was in high school at this time) were probably the worst for this. I became extremely depressed, became withdrawn, and yet excelled at school (straight A's). My brother processed it differently and after earning straight F's several consecutive semesters, eventually dropped out of high school. One thing he always really wanted was us to be a normal, loving family
- "I understand why some people kill their kids" - her words
- a general apathy towards life. My mother was no doubt depressed and also withdrew. As a result, we didn't do much. We grew up in FL but barely ventured out of our town. In all my years there I remember going to the beach 6 or 7 times and never any theme parks. I did not have the childhood that most people think of when you say "when I was a kid."

The Effects/My Regrets:
- I took it really hard, maybe too hard. Back then, I was extremely religious and bought into the cult. So I would "talk with God" a lot (talk to myself) to cope

- When I turned 18, I was getting increasingly more depressed, a bit suicidal, and one day realized that I was miserable, had no sense of self, and this was not the life I wanted to live. On that same note, I realized this religion I had dedicated my whole life to for 8 years (from age 10 to 18) was a complete fabrication. When I realized it was fake, I completely lost it. Because I realized I had lost my whole childhood, I had no friends, no experiences, just a pretty high school transcript to show for it. Like I said, I was a very sweet person up until this point. I didn't even cuss, at all, and had never dated or anything that teenagers normally do.

- I made some drastic decisions as a result. Instead of going to college as was expected of me, I changed my name and joined the military. This was not received well or supported. I took up smoking and drinking and some other bad habits to cope. I used men and didn't feel bad. I felt this burning rage in my chest, and over the years it just grew and grew. I was just SO angry all the time, and I feel like the past had something to do with it. I listened to so much rap music (I still do), a far cry from the classic religious music I faithfully tuned to. Iraq made me angrier and I fell into a depression, but fortunately I recovered. I cuss way too much. I have become an emotionally numb person and I am changed to my core. I've been this way for a long time but I think I'm okay. This is my normal. Mentally, I'm in a good place. After I left active duty I put myself through college on the GI Bill and now have a good job and nice car, a muscle car actually. I got married recently (we didn't have a ceremony), and my husband understands the things I've gone through. He is the opposite of me, comes from such a good family, such an upstanding man, I continually feel shocked and blessed to have found him. He is essentially my only "support system."

I know what you're thinking, the story has a happy ending what's the problem? In my core I still have this anger, this emptiness (which gets worse around the holidays), this feeling that something is not quite right, despite distancing myself from the past so much and overcoming so much. And then I wonder, maybe I just concocted this whole thing in my head and it wasn't even that bad. But what I felt and what happened was very real. I always remind myself, there are people who have been through worse. I'm not as lonely anymore, compared to the past when it used to be so severe and no one cared. But I think I need a therapist to fully heal. What do you think? Maybe I'm exaggerating and it wasn't really that bad. That's why I'm here. For perspective, I'll tell you how my siblings reacted. My brother has been unable to hold a job ever, has been in jail, has major anger problems also, blames everyone for the way his life is, and is basically doing nothing with his life but boxing. He lives with girlfriends to get by. My sister lived with my mother until she turned 30, moved out, has been able to maintain friendships much better than either of us so normal on that aspect. Not particularly ambitious, has a very defeated attitude towards life, still believes in the cult to an extent, kind of depressed, remained a virgin until her mid-20s and then had a meltdown and made stupid decisions that she regrets deeply. She says she is not happy. I don't speak to my brother or father at all, my sister and I "keep in touch" but aren't close and probably never will be. She was "mean girl" when we were younger, always kicking me when I was down, disrespecting me, and it permanently put a rift in our relationship.

The past is the past and I'm trying to get over it. I failed at keeping this short. If you read this far, you are a godsend. Feel free to share your experiences.

Thanks for sharing this. I'm an old man now. And I wasn't raised in a cult. But I had some similar growing-up experiences to those you've described. I won't go into detail with regard to that. But I have also had the experience of questioning whether or not what I experienced was really all that bad... of wondering if "maybe I just concocted this whole thing in my head and it wasn't even that bad." Oh... & I have struggled with anger issues as well.

You wrote that mentally you're in a good place. As I recall, somewhere in your post you also asked if you should see a therapist? Personally I've not had a lot of good experiences with therapists. But I do believe that is at least partially my fault. I've read posts, here on PC, written by members who said their therapists saved their lives. It is true that it can take a few tries to find the right therapist for you. Not every therapist works well with every client. But if you can find a therapist you feel comfortable with, working with them could I believe be helpful.

The thing is... you not only need to think about how you're functioning now, I believe. But you also need to think about the future. In my case, I functioned reasonably well for the first 50 years of my life. Then, at around age 50, I had a bout with cancer. It wasn't all that terribly serious in the whole scheme of things. But it was kind-of the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. And I've been slowly devolving ever since. (I do believe that the older one gets the more difficult it can become to keep mental health issues under control.) In my case I was able to keep the cork in the bottle, as the saying goes, for a long time. (Way back when I was young there wasn't really much of a choice. The kinds of mental health services that are available today simply didn't exist back then.) But ultimately keeping them under control wore me down. So, at least from my perspective, if you genuinely believe you're okay, perhaps making the effort to find a therapist you feel comfortable with, & digging through all of your history, just isn't necessary. But if you find yourself having to put forth conscious effort to keep the effects of what you experienced growing up from erupting in your day-to-day life, then finding a good therapist (for you) may be a wise move.

One other thing you do have to keep in mind, I have found at least, is that the older one gets, the less interested mental health services providers are in you. I don't know at what age that begins. When I entered the mental health services system where I live at around age 50 I was already "over the hill." But at some point, my experience tells me, individuals simply become excess baggage on the mental health railroad. So if one is going to endeavor to pursue mental health services, from my perspective it is important to do so while one is still as young as possible. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post. My best wishes to you.