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Default Jul 31, 2019 at 10:51 AM
  #1
Anybody had to deal with parents and siblings coming to you for help after years of limited contact? How do you deal with the guilt of not wanting to help.... when there was never a time in your life those individuals helped you through hard times?
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eskielover
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Default Aug 01, 2019 at 10:14 AM
  #2
I would NEVER feel guilt & it would depend on what help from me they were seeking.

I would NOT help with anything I thought was continuing to enable their dysfunctional behaviors. Limited help if I sensed a change in them but it would always be with an eye for any Red Flags at which time if I saw any, would totally withdraw.

I don't feel guilt when I know that what I am doing is the best thing for me. Shoot...I felt absolutely NO guilt leaving a 33 year BAD marriage. Analyze the situation both logically & emotionally & let the solution that gives you a peace with your decision be the direction you go in & determine the feelings you experience.

I don't determine what I do NOW by the past.....BUT I do use the past to give me awareness of what to be cautious of in the present. Also IF I do chose to help them it doesn't come with ANY EXPECTATIONS that they will ever help me in the future. I help people because I have analyzed the situation & for me it is either the right or wrong thing to do IN THE NOW

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Default Aug 03, 2019 at 08:12 PM
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@eskielover

You are right. It’s better for me to choose to do what is right for me and not get hung up on guilt.

I have been holding on to angry feelings from the past. There’s a reason for the anger though. I think anger is a useful emotion that can become destructive if I let it overcome me versus use it as a tool to make better decisions for myself.
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Default Aug 03, 2019 at 09:14 PM
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@eskielover

I do not WANT to offer any help. I just don’t. I’ve adapted to life without family since I was very young. It’s been a painful road and I figure there’s got to be a benefit to everything.... so if I make my own way without any help I believe I should enjoy freedom to not be obligated later to help them...

I’m conflicted because the decision needs to be made from a sense of peace... a sense of doing what’s best for me as you said. That’s where the freedom comes. I believe my decision at this point is rooted in hurt feelings and grudge holding. Maybe that’s where the guilt is coming from.
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Default Aug 04, 2019 at 12:37 PM
  #5
In my own experience our families do not change. They just bring more heartache.

A lesson learnt protects us from future abuse.

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Default Aug 06, 2019 at 07:38 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Thirty shades View Post
In my own experience our families do not change. They just bring more heartache.


A lesson learnt protects us from future abuse.


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Good point. I don’t expect change. It’s not likely at all.
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