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Lonelyinmyheart
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Default Aug 05, 2019 at 03:30 PM
  #1
I don't normally post on this part of the forum so please forgive me if this has been asked before.

I grew up in an atmosphere of significant emotional neglect. It wasn't intentional but a by-product of my mother's mental illness and other extremely difficult circumstances when I was young. There was considerable fear in the house I grew up in as a young child. I also had a difficult time at school due to bullying and having no friends.

I've come a long way in dealing with my past, mostly through therapy but also journaling. One thing I find really hard to deal with is my difficulty in expressing feelings. No matter how I feel inside, nothing shows on the outside. I'm nearly always expressionless. The exceptions are when I have managed to cry a little bit in company (usually in therapy) but these instances are pretty rare. It's not just negative emotions but I find it hard to show happiness or show that I'm pleased for someone's good news, or my own. I feel those things to a greater or lesser extent, but the feelings don't translate across.

It seems logical to me that the atmosphere I grew up in made it important for me to hide how I'm feeling no matter what. I'm also naturally an introvert, so I'm not someone who carries a lot of energy in interactions.

Does anyone else experience this? Have you found a way to deal with it? I probably should say that I'm also really paranoid about my looks to the extent that I believe people are always thinking about how ugly I am when I talk to them. This puts me off showing too much in case they think I look even worse. So I guess there are a lot of factors that contribute to it.

I feel I can't connect properly to others because I look as though I couldn't care less.
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Smile Aug 06, 2019 at 01:40 PM
  #2
I can't really address your concerns myself. But I noticed no one had yet replied to your post. So I thought I would. Are you familiar with the condition that is referred to as alexithymia? Perhaps this is akin to what you're experiencing. Here are links to 3 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject:

Do You Have Alexithymia?

Alexithymia: The Cause and The Solution

Alexithymia: A Personality Trait | The Exhausted Woman

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Default Aug 07, 2019 at 12:47 PM
  #3
Thank you I appreciate your response and links. No I've never heard of it but I will take a look, thanks again.
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Default Aug 07, 2019 at 01:10 PM
  #4
[QUOTE=Lonelyinmyheart;6599027]I don't normally post on this part of the forum so please forgive me if this has been asked before.

I've come a long way in dealing with my past, mostly through therapy but also journaling. One thing I find really hard to deal with is my difficulty in expressing feelings. No matter how I feel inside, nothing shows on the outside. I'm nearly always expressionless. The exceptions are when I have managed to cry a little bit in company (usually in therapy) but these instances are pretty rare. It's not just negative emotions but I find it hard to show happiness or show that I'm pleased for someone's good news, or my own. I feel those things to a greater or lesser extent, but the feelings don't translate across.

It seems logical to me that the atmosphere I grew up in made it important for me to hide how I'm feeling no matter what. I'm also naturally an introvert, so I'm not someone who carries a lot of energy in interactions.

Lonely, I don't exactly have the answer for you, except when I read your post I felt such compassion. Besides, I can relate. As an adult, it was years before I could cry. If while you were growing up it was important for you to hide all of your feelings, how can you possibly expect yourself to be able to show them now? If when you do or did show your true feelings you were criticized or punished in some way, naturally you would learn to hide them. But if you're feeling them inside at least you have them, and that's a good start. If you want to put them out more you might start by observing what other people do who are more expressive. What works for them? What words? Facial expressions?

And then cautiously try some of your own. You might have to fake it for awhile but maybe after awhile it would feel more natural.
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Default Aug 08, 2019 at 05:04 AM
  #5
A Psychologist Explains How to Get Better at Expressing Your Feelings - The Atlantic
I do not know if this will help but it was interesting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart View Post
I don't normally post on this part of the forum so please forgive me if this has been asked before.

I grew up in an atmosphere of significant emotional neglect. It wasn't intentional but a by-product of my mother's mental illness and other extremely difficult circumstances when I was young. There was considerable fear in the house I grew up in as a young child. I also had a difficult time at school due to bullying and having no friends.

I've come a long way in dealing with my past, mostly through therapy but also journaling. One thing I find really hard to deal with is my difficulty in expressing feelings. No matter how I feel inside, nothing shows on the outside. I'm nearly always expressionless. The exceptions are when I have managed to cry a little bit in company (usually in therapy) but these instances are pretty rare. It's not just negative emotions but I find it hard to show happiness or show that I'm pleased for someone's good news, or my own. I feel those things to a greater or lesser extent, but the feelings don't translate across.

It seems logical to me that the atmosphere I grew up in made it important for me to hide how I'm feeling no matter what. I'm also naturally an introvert, so I'm not someone who carries a lot of energy in interactions.

Does anyone else experience this? Have you found a way to deal with it? I probably should say that I'm also really paranoid about my looks to the extent that I believe people are always thinking about how ugly I am when I talk to them. This puts me off showing too much in case they think I look even worse. So I guess there are a lot of factors that contribute to it.

I feel I can't connect properly to others because I look as though I couldn't care less.

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Default Aug 08, 2019 at 09:08 AM
  #6
[QUOTE=Mopey;6600377]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart View Post
I don't normally post on this part of the forum so please forgive me if this has been asked before.

I've come a long way in dealing with my past, mostly through therapy but also journaling. One thing I find really hard to deal with is my difficulty in expressing feelings. No matter how I feel inside, nothing shows on the outside. I'm nearly always expressionless. The exceptions are when I have managed to cry a little bit in company (usually in therapy) but these instances are pretty rare. It's not just negative emotions but I find it hard to show happiness or show that I'm pleased for someone's good news, or my own. I feel those things to a greater or lesser extent, but the feelings don't translate across.

It seems logical to me that the atmosphere I grew up in made it important for me to hide how I'm feeling no matter what. I'm also naturally an introvert, so I'm not someone who carries a lot of energy in interactions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart View Post
Lonely, I don't exactly have the answer for you, except when I read your post I felt such compassion. Besides, I can relate. As an adult, it was years before I could cry. If while you were growing up it was important for you to hide all of your feelings, how can you possibly expect yourself to be able to show them now? If when you do or did show your true feelings you were criticized or punished in some way, naturally you would learn to hide them. But if you're feeling them inside at least you have them, and that's a good start. If you want to put them out more you might start by observing what other people do who are more expressive. What works for them? What words? Facial expressions?

And then cautiously try some of your own. You might have to fake it for awhile but maybe after awhile it would feel more natural.
Thank you for your kind reply, it really means a lot. Yes it does make a lot of sense why I can't express anything. I said to someone recently that even if I receive terrible news while with others, no one would know. I suppose one good thing about it is that I'm great in a crisis, but I feel so frustrated and also jealous of people who can cry etc.

I like the idea of observing what words for others. Thanks for the suggestion.
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Default Aug 08, 2019 at 09:09 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
A Psychologist Explains How to Get Better at Expressing Your Feelings - The Atlantic
I do not know if this will help but it was interesting.

Thank you for posting it, will take a look.
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Default Aug 14, 2019 at 04:02 AM
  #8
I'm sorry, I can't help you but I can relate. I think this is common in people with trauma or neglect. I'm very similar and describing my emotions is difficult. On the other hand, when I do allow myself to feel, I can't stop or control the intense emotional state and it overwhelms me completely, I can't control it.

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Default Aug 14, 2019 at 05:04 AM
  #9
I can relate too. I think for me, when I was a child, not showing expressions was a way to stay safe. As an extreme introvert and living in an environment of circumstances that caused me fear, I didn't want people to pay attention to me. As an adult, people say they can't 'read' me. Trying to force expressions feels fake, but I have tried.
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Default Aug 23, 2019 at 04:11 PM
  #10
Yes,I know the feeling.I got hit and mocked at for smiling,laughing, being energetic, being curious,being inquisitive,for singing,for dancing,for trying to learn a new skill,for wearing a good dress,for being beautiful,for crying,for playing,for getting hurt while playing,for being hungry, for eating,for visiting a friend............so on so forth.Not knowing what to do ,what to say,what is the right thing to do in a given scenario really meddles your brain.It makes the brain confused.I have witnessed some people who go to a funeral and laugh loud.Pretty messed up yeh.So if you got always invalidated growing up.You become numb.I am so sorry dear.
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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 05:50 PM
  #11
I can relate, I was raised where negative emotions were not okay, I had to pretend to be happy and compliant no matter how I felt. My mother would shame me if I expressed emotions in convenient for her. So I grew up to doormat in personal relationships and at work. What helped me significantly at least expressing myself was taking assertiveness training from a company that does business management class learning tools on how to deal with common work situations that use to completely overwhelm me. I learned how to stand up for myself without being an emotional wreck. It's so much better than being a human doormat and then exploding in anger when the unspoken resentment and hostility got too much.

I know this might sound like a strange suggestion but what about taking acting classes so you can learn to connect your feelings to physical expressions?? This might sound weird but sometimes I think when we were really shut down as kids we didn't learn things the way kids learn them- physically. I know at least I internalized and intellectualized a lot of what was going on when I was young and that's not how kids learn. Kids learn by doing. Maybe some lessons in how to emote properly could help???
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Default Sep 13, 2019 at 07:53 AM
  #12
I wanted to comment about the feeling of being ugly.

I feel just that way, too, to the point where I will not look in a mirror or glance at myself in a window reflection. Have you ever drawn a picture of how you see yourself? It may help you and your therapist, although it can be shocking.

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Default Sep 15, 2019 at 01:25 PM
  #13
Thank you so much everyone for commenting. Apologies I haven't been back to the thread very much. It's just such a painful issue for me but it does help that others can relate.

Parva - yes I can't look at myself much either and if I do I'm absolutely horrified at how bad I look. I think if I was to draw a picture it would be shocking, but yes perhaps it might be helpful in therapy?

Silverblue - thank you for the suggestion. I don't have much confidence anymore so I'm not sure if I could do acting classes. But I like the idea.
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Default Nov 25, 2019 at 08:57 PM
  #14
The atmosphere I grew up in made it important to hide how I was feeling. Laughing, anxiety, sadness, anger, all ''normal'' emotions... mocked/not allowed.

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Default Dec 29, 2019 at 01:54 AM
  #15
I can somewhat relate to you, Lonelyinmyheart. I am an introvert person and emotions was not something that I learnt/saw when growing up. At the time of growing up I did not realize it and thought it was a normal childhood (despite the fact that as far as I can remember my parents rarely talked to each other or when they did, there was something negative about it. but mainly there was just silence). I did not feel too bothered about it back then, as it was my reality and I did not really know to want better. But I do realize now as an adult that not being able to show my emotions or express what I want/wish has caused very serious relationship problems for me. I am able to cry no problem - even too much. It is often kind of self-pity crying, which I would like to get rid off, but have not been able to. I have problem showing out anger, I have always gathered it inside me and been holding a grudge. When other people show anger, especially against me, then it scares me. And I totally block/close myself. I am also bad at showing out positive emotions like joy. I think I don't even feel them as strongly as other people do, but when I do then it is rather something internal that I am uncomfortable expressing - don't know how to do it. And I've been told that I am "fake" when I show them. Which in a way hurts but also makes me think that may be it is true and may be I am fake. I have read a lot about covert narcissism and wonder if it is me.
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Default Jan 01, 2020 at 01:59 PM
  #16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart View Post
I don't normally post on this part of the forum so please forgive me if this has been asked before.

I grew up in an atmosphere of significant emotional neglect. It wasn't intentional but a by-product of my mother's mental illness and other extremely difficult circumstances when I was young. There was considerable fear in the house I grew up in as a young child. I also had a difficult time at school due to bullying and having no friends.

I've come a long way in dealing with my past, mostly through therapy but also journaling. One thing I find really hard to deal with is my difficulty in expressing feelings. No matter how I feel inside, nothing shows on the outside. I'm nearly always expressionless. The exceptions are when I have managed to cry a little bit in company (usually in therapy) but these instances are pretty rare. It's not just negative emotions but I find it hard to show happiness or show that I'm pleased for someone's good news, or my own. I feel those things to a greater or lesser extent, but the feelings don't translate across.

It seems logical to me that the atmosphere I grew up in made it important for me to hide how I'm feeling no matter what. I'm also naturally an introvert, so I'm not someone who carries a lot of energy in interactions.

Does anyone else experience this? Have you found a way to deal with it? I probably should say that I'm also really paranoid about my looks to the extent that I believe people are always thinking about how ugly I am when I talk to them. This puts me off showing too much in case they think I look even worse. So I guess there are a lot of factors that contribute to it.

I feel I can't connect properly to others because I look as though I couldn't care less.

Hi, me. Nice to meet me.

Every single thing I relate to completely, even about not wanting to show emotions because I think ill look uglier. Everything. This is a common thing for people with that kind of childhood.

I am working hard on allowing my emotions to show. To take them more into account in my decision making. To accept them as valid parts of me. To not think it is weak or selfish to feel sad or angry. To show even positive emotions outwardly so that other people can see that I am not a robot, or a psychopath.

There is nothing wrong with us. We are products of an unsupportive environment. We developed in the way people must develop to survive that kind of environment. Now that you are older and can identify the area that you didn't develop properly, you can work towards correcting it, and that IS possible.
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 03:55 PM
  #17
I can also relate. While growing up, expressing any negative emotion, especially anger, was not at all acceptable and my life would be hell if I let it out. I still struggle to stand up for myself now and have had some really awful, exploitative experiences. I was my mother's scapegoat as a child for anything that was going wrong, and no matter what I did, I was always wrong and could do no right. To her, my brother was the precious golden child who could do no wrong. There was so much inequality in the way the two of us were treated and I grew up thinking I deserved nothing but that cold, casual disregard. It's very hard to show your emotions as an adult when all your life as a child, they were ignored or used as weapons against you. I don't know if anybody can really heal from this or develop enough trust in someone else or have a healthy relationship. But at least here, we know that we aren't the only ones feeling this pain.
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Default Jan 28, 2020 at 09:25 AM
  #18
How are you doing on emotional expression now, Lonelyinmyheart?
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Default May 18, 2020 at 08:39 PM
  #19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart View Post
I don't normally post on this part of the forum so please forgive me if this has been asked before.

I grew up in an atmosphere of significant emotional neglect. It wasn't intentional but a by-product of my mother's mental illness and other extremely difficult circumstances when I was young. There was considerable fear in the house I grew up in as a young child. I also had a difficult time at school due to bullying and having no friends.

I've come a long way in dealing with my past, mostly through therapy but also journaling. One thing I find really hard to deal with is my difficulty in expressing feelings. No matter how I feel inside, nothing shows on the outside. I'm nearly always expressionless. The exceptions are when I have managed to cry a little bit in company (usually in therapy) but these instances are pretty rare. It's not just negative emotions but I find it hard to show happiness or show that I'm pleased for someone's good news, or my own. I feel those things to a greater or lesser extent, but the feelings don't translate across.

It seems logical to me that the atmosphere I grew up in made it important for me to hide how I'm feeling no matter what. I'm also naturally an introvert, so I'm not someone who carries a lot of energy in interactions.

Does anyone else experience this? Have you found a way to deal with it? I probably should say that I'm also really paranoid about my looks to the extent that I believe people are always thinking about how ugly I am when I talk to them. This puts me off showing too much in case they think I look even worse. So I guess there are a lot of factors that contribute to it.

I feel I can't connect properly to others because I look as though I couldn't care less.
I feel like this all the time
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