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Outsider16
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Member Since: Dec 2019
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Trig Dec 21, 2019 at 10:17 PM
  #1
So, this is a bit hard to talk about. I fear of being judged or misunderstood, but here I go... (sorry for writing a lot)

When I was 4 years old, I stopped talking. I only ever talked to my mom but never in public places. I don’t know what triggered it, it was just sort of sudden. I was just too afraid to talk to others, I just didn’t feel safe.

Everyone judged me for it, which made the social anxiety so much worse. I remember always trying to speak but nothing seemed to come out. Instead of being cheered on and having support, I was either yelled at or having people telling me I don’t have to be shy because they don’t bite and it’s simply easy to just “speak”.

This made me feel so misunderstood and alone. All the time. I knew there was something wrong with me, well, because people told me so, but also I just never felt right and I was convinced that this feeling wasn’t normal. The worse part is that even though my mom knew it wasn’t technically “normal”, she has never taken me to a hospital or have a genuine conversation with me on why I feared talking so bad. Instead, I was criticized.

It was difficult, especially with being a kid and everything, I had no idea what was wrong with me and I was alone in this, because no one else understood.
My mom was very upset with me. It made me feel so guilty, especially when she got mad at me. I had so much frustration inside of me, so sadly, I’ve always put that anger on her since she was the only one I talked to (besides friends). I would yell at her and there were a few occasions where I slapped her. I was this horrible person. My mom used to tell me that I treat her badly yet I never talked to anyone also if someone seen me like this, I’d probably be sent away. She made me feel like the bad person in this situation. Well, I mean, I guess I was, but I didn’t know what else to do with my emotions. I felt so bad, even though it might not seem like it.

I’ve always heard people talk behind my back, negative things. Saying I wasn’t normal or I was being stubborn to choose not to speak. It was constant. These reactions made it even more difficult to cope with and try to overcome my fear. People would say to my face, whether or not if I’ve lost my tongue or they won’t bite me or all that I have to do is speak. It was discouraging, having to deal with this almost daily.

When I was 6 years old, I moved to a different city so the judgement wasn’t as severe but it was still there. Home wasn’t as difficult during these years since I wasn’t around much family members, however, I still felt alone. School was difficult. My classmates always judged my shyness and say I don’t speak. It made me feel extremely embarrassed and I made sure that no one found out that there are actually people that I don’t talk to at all. It’s kind of hard living in a lie, even my best friend at that time didn’t know. I didn’t want people to know, I was scared that they will talk to me like how my family members and my mom did to me. I just couldn’t take anymore criticism. Even though no one at school knew about my selective mutism, I was still very shy and only talked when people would talk to me first.

The older kids (grade 6) were mean to me. Once they forced me to put my tongue on a pole in the winter and frequently called me names. However, I had my best friend so it made things much easier, having her support.

I failed my first year of grade 5 so the next year I was with completely new people. I didn’t know anyone. That’s when my friendship with my best friend since kindergarten started to grow apart a bit. There were these two girls in my new class that were interested in becoming my friend, so I felt good about it, but after a week they told me that I was too shy. So, they told me I need to start being comfortable around them and talk louder or they won’t be my friend anymore. I was afraid and I didn’t want to be rejected by them so I said I could do it, but it turned out I couldn’t. This was exactly what I was afraid of. It felt like when I was being judged by my family members when I was 4 years old again. That’s probably the reason why I couldn’t get myself to feel comfortable around them, I just didn’t feel safe.

However, around November sometime, I became friends with a girl in my class, she was nice to me despite my shyness. She didn’t exactly understood it but wasn’t against it. During the same time though, I was frequently being name called by a guy in my class, everything regarding to my shyness. It became difficult and I would cry a lot when I went back home.

In the summer after graduating grade 6, I went to Toronto for a vacation in which I have some family there. It was hard but I finally talked to them. Their reactions made me feel very anxious because I was on the spotlight and they definitely didn’t expect that. That was the first time that I talked to a family member, besides my mom, in a total of 8 years. I felt free but social anxiety was still bad for me.

When starting high school, the guy that bullied me, still continued to do so. Even when I had to present an oral presentation, he would tell me don’t be too shy and he stared at me right through with it. It was humiliating. Completely. That’s when I started to feel severely depressed. I just couldn’t deal with this pressure. Even though I was no longer selective mute, I still felt alone. No one understood. It just makes me angry how my mom was proud that I started talking to others. She was no help, at all. She never supported me or took time to understand. She was just a bystander while I was struggling and left with exhaustion and guilt.

Depression became the norm for me.
Possible trigger:
and missed quite a bit of school because I was too anxious or too tired from not getting any sleep the night prior. When my mom first found out about self harm, she got mad at me, but something that she has never done in her life, she brought me to the hospital. Even though she tried to understand, she didn’t. I never talked to her about my feelings because I couldn’t trust her. After her misunderstanding me for those 8 years living with selective mutism on my own, I didn’t feel safe to tell her anything. Even though she never disowned me, we’ve never have been close even if she might think otherwise.

Depression was horrible all through out high school
Possible trigger:
I think that’s when my mom started to open her eyes a little however she would still never understand. I’ve been hospitalized in two hospitals but it didn’t help me, after being in the second hospital for 2 1/2 months, I got discouraged and told them I feel better and I could go home now even though it wasn’t the case. I was discharged but still felt bad.

Not too long later my mood started to become really intense. Common symptoms of the mental illness of borderline personality. I started having constant mood swings of anger, depression, anxiety and temporarily sense of well being which usually lasts either a few minutes, few hours or up to a few days at most. I began to have an identity crisis: not knowing who I am as a person, my values, interests, goals, ambitions constantly changed. I was afraid of being abandoned by people who are in my life and be all alone physically. I started having quite intense fights with my friends, which typically is my fault since I tend to think of them differently depending on my mood so I wasn’t always there for them. I’ve became impulsive.
Possible trigger:
I began to drink a little. Also, I stole a friend’s concerta prescription medication. However, in grade 11, I took the drug molly a few times, once at school. I drank more than I did when I first started as well. Now, graduated and 18 years old, the impulsivity gotten much worst. I drink quite a lot, take cannabis occasionally depending on the circumstances, spend a lot of money on stuff I end up throwing out after or on my brother/mom/other people. I take Concerta/Ritalin to cope with my feelings as well. I’ve also done less damaging but stupid impulsive things like cutting/dying hair, throwing away my belongings, breaking things and once I just painted a bunch of words all over my bedrooms walls. Besides impulsivity, in grade 10 I also began to feel so empty. There’s like a void inside of me and I feel absolutely nothing and everything at the same time. Although I’ve always felt angry, even as a kid, I started to feel this way over the littlest things. I became so overly sensitive and everything irritated me. In grade 11, I began to realize that this isn’t just depression and it had to be more, so that’s when I searched my symptoms and found out about borderline personality disorder.

So, is there any chance, that my past could have any effect on me developing bpd? (I’m not diagnosed with bpd since I haven’t talked to anyone about it but pretty sure I have it, however I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder in the past)

Is these life situations considered emotional/psychological abuse? Do you think the criticism I’ve received as a child affected my mental health? Also, how am I supposed to help myself?

I feel exhausted, hopeless and feel like my whole life has been ruined. Social Anxiety ruined my childhood, depression ruined my teenage hood and now I’m having difficulties coping with the symptoms of bpd/depression as an adult. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Last edited by bluekoi; Dec 21, 2019 at 11:50 PM.. Reason: Add triggger icon. Apply trigger codes.
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nicoleflynn
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Default Dec 22, 2019 at 06:45 AM
  #2
Have you considered therapy?
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Smile Dec 22, 2019 at 02:15 PM
  #3
Hello Outsider: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. I'm sorry you have had to endure all of this difficulty. I myself am an older person. But in my own way I can relate a lot to what you wrote. Reading your post brought back quite a few difficult memories.

You asked several questions at the end of your post. We here on PC cannot offer mental health diagnoses. Plus I'm not a mental health professional. So all I can offer you is my personal opinion... for what it's worth. You asked if it's possible your past could have any effect on you possibly developing BPD (realizing you haven't actually been diagnosed as having it... at least not yet.) I don't think anyone really knows for certain what causes a person to develop BPD. But certainly I think it's likely your childhood experiences would have had some impact on your mental health, whatever the diagnosis might be. (I've never been diagnosed as having BPD either. But I have thought, sometimes, that it was possible I might have been diagnosed as having had it when I was younger.)

You asked if what you experienced would be considered emotional / psychological abuse & if the criticism you received as a child affected your mental health. I can't speak to that authoritatively. But I noticed your post was moved, by Admin, from the New Members Introductions forum here to the Childhood Emotional Neglect forum. So I think that perhaps speaks, to some extent, to how your childhood experiences might be viewed. Plus, of course, it sounds as if you endured some bullying in school as well.

How are you supposed to help yourself? I see that mental health therapy has already been suggested. And I would certainly support that idea. I think the way to help yourself is to find a mental health therapist you feel comfortable with & work with that person to delve into what you experienced growing up, what it has done to you, & how you can recover from it. You wrote you feel exhausted & as though your whole life is ruined. But I would like to assure you healing is possible. The thing is, though, you have to go out & do what needs to be done to make it happen. It's not going to come to you. Signing in here on PC is a good first step. The next step is to go out & find the in-real-life mental health treatment you need.

My best wishes to you. And I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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Outsider16
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Default Dec 22, 2019 at 06:21 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by nicoleflynn View Post
Have you considered therapy?
I’ve had 5 therapists in the past with one that I’m currently seeing right now. It never really helped me, however, I think it could be due to the fact that I’ve never opened up with this situation.
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Outsider16
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Default Dec 22, 2019 at 06:25 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Hello Outsider: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. I'm sorry you have had to endure all of this difficulty. I myself am an older person. But in my own way I can relate a lot to what you wrote. Reading your post brought back quite a few difficult memories.

You asked several questions at the end of your post. We here on PC cannot offer mental health diagnoses. Plus I'm not a mental health professional. So all I can offer you is my personal opinion... for what it's worth. You asked if it's possible your past could have any effect on you possibly developing BPD (realizing you haven't actually been diagnosed as having it... at least not yet.) I don't think anyone really knows for certain what causes a person to develop BPD. But certainly I think it's likely your childhood experiences would have had some impact on your mental health, whatever the diagnosis might be. (I've never been diagnosed as having BPD either. But I have thought, sometimes, that it was possible I might have been diagnosed as having had it when I was younger.)

You asked if what you experienced would be considered emotional / psychological abuse & if the criticism you received as a child affected your mental health. I can't speak to that authoritatively. But I noticed your post was moved, by Admin, from the New Members Introductions forum here to the Childhood Emotional Neglect forum. So I think that perhaps speaks, to some extent, to how your childhood experiences might be viewed. Plus, of course, it sounds as if you endured some bullying in school as well.

How are you supposed to help yourself? I see that mental health therapy has already been suggested. And I would certainly support that idea. I think the way to help yourself is to find a mental health therapist you feel comfortable with & work with that person to delve into what you experienced growing up, what it has done to you, & how you can recover from it. You wrote you feel exhausted & as though your whole life is ruined. But I would like to assure you healing is possible. The thing is, though, you have to go out & do what needs to be done to make it happen. It's not going to come to you. Signing in here on PC is a good first step. The next step is to go out & find the in-real-life mental health treatment you need.

My best wishes to you. And I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
Thank you for your reply. Now I feel encouraged and a bit less nervous to share this with my current therapist.
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