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Default Dec 24, 2019 at 12:48 AM
  #1
i had forgotten about this. i am glad i remembered it today. i saw this interview that jane fonda did for oprah's masterclass many years ago. i could only find this short excerpt but it contains the most important part for me.
YouTube

jane fonda famously had a very difficult relationship with her parents. she did not feel loved. then one day, jane came upon her mother's health records. it detailed her mom's sexual abuse when her mom was young and for jane, it explained everything. she was able to realize that her mom's unhappiness and suicide had nothing to do with jane. that it wasn't jane's fault at all. understanding that her mom had childhood traumas that made her how she was, was life-changing for jane. i am sure her dad, who was famously cold and aloof, had his own childhood traumas too. this knowledge freed jane from her lifelong struggle with self-doubt and insecurities and led to compassion for what her parents must have endured.

jane's story also changed my life forever. my mom and my nanny were not nurturing. but i now understand that that was because they themselves had never been nurtured. it had nothing to do with me. i can now see them through the lens of understanding and compassion. peace has come into my heart.
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Default Dec 24, 2019 at 01:49 AM
  #2
thanks for the reminder TerryL, it's a great epiphany to obtain

I recently was reminded in therapy, that my mother wasn't really my mom because she couldn't be due to her own struggles severe issue-- , the same with my dad. They both for some strange reasons let me know in "one on one" talks of some of their traumas as children when I was a teenager ((different times and I never mentioned the one to the other)).

I would like to add what my current t reminded me of if it's ok? - even though we may have understanding of other's suffering and reasons- it doesn't excuse the abuse we endured nor did we deserve it. And it's ok to feel hurt, abandoned, etc. But not to suffer with it.


It's a great feeling at times to have perceptive in this sense, and is very true-- and in a sense the concept can be applied to other humans in the world.

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Default Dec 24, 2019 at 02:29 AM
  #3
i agree with you beauflow. i posted about this a long time ago and i remember one member got very upset because understanding how the behavior came about does not always excuse it, especially if abuse was involved. everyone has a right to feel how they feel. i am just hoping this post will help someone. oh if only we could talk with our parents, and examine their past, and back and back and back....

it's good to hear both your parents tried to explain themselves to you. i hope that has helped you find some peace.
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Default Dec 25, 2019 at 09:09 AM
  #4
You are right that whatever we suffered in childhood had nothing to do with us. It left pain and scars that we will always carry but I agree it’s important to understand it had absolutely nothing to do with us. It has taken me many years to understand this.

It took me years to get over my anger. I think I was afraid to let go of the anger because I didn’t know what I would do without it. It had been there so long. Now what’s left is the hurt and the pain and that’s even harder to deal with than the anger. As I sift through all my feelings, I also have had to find my own responsibility. I made mistakes too as a result of my hurt, pain and truly not knowing any better.

I hope to find peace in all of this. I agree that it starts with understanding it was never about us in the beginning. It wasn’t our fault.
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Default Dec 25, 2019 at 04:59 PM
  #5


Thanks for posting this

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Default Dec 27, 2019 at 12:36 AM
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Originally Posted by LilyMop View Post
You are right that whatever we suffered in childhood had nothing to do with us. It left pain and scars that we will always carry but I agree it’s important to understand it had absolutely nothing to do with us. It has taken me many years to understand this.

It took me years to get over my anger. I think I was afraid to let go of the anger because I didn’t know what I would do without it. It had been there so long. Now what’s left is the hurt and the pain and that’s even harder to deal with than the anger. As I sift through all my feelings, I also have had to find my own responsibility. I made mistakes too as a result of my hurt, pain and truly not knowing any better.

I hope to find peace in all of this. I agree that it starts with understanding it was never about us in the beginning. It wasn’t our fault.
hi lilimop, i hope one day you will have that aha moment that will lift you away from the pain and hurt. sometimes it just takes looking at something in a different way. and we all make mistakes, especially those of us who are in such deep pain. the pain affects everything. so please be gentle with yourself.
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Default Jan 01, 2020 at 06:17 PM
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we all make mistakes, especially those of us who are in such deep pain. the pain affects everything. so please be gentle with yourself.

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Default Apr 10, 2020 at 11:36 AM
  #8
I agree to a point. It's all about understanding a situation to take away the hurt of why we "weren't loved". Once I realized (in my head) my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it really took away a lot of my anger and resentment. I realized it had nothing to do with me at all. The emotional detachment wasn't because there was "something wrong with me". It was because she was incapable of giving love on an emotional level. I believe her mother was the same.. and now my sister, too.

The hard part is, it's had a life-long impact on all of us. No one else has been able to connect the dots. It's very isolating. We all chose abusive partners without realizing. Physical abuse is pretty cut and dry. Emotional, psychological, and mental abuse is harder to detect.. especially if it's already been normalized in childhood.
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Default Jun 05, 2020 at 08:26 PM
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Originally Posted by TerryL View Post
i had forgotten about this. i am glad i remembered it today. i saw this interview that jane fonda did for oprah's masterclass many years ago. i could only find this short excerpt but it contains the most important part for me.
YouTube

jane fonda famously had a very difficult relationship with her parents. she did not feel loved. then one day, jane came upon her mother's health records. it detailed her mom's sexual abuse when her mom was young and for jane, it explained everything. she was able to realize that her mom's unhappiness and suicide had nothing to do with jane. that it wasn't jane's fault at all. understanding that her mom had childhood traumas that made her how she was, was life-changing for jane. i am sure her dad, who was famously cold and aloof, had his own childhood traumas too. this knowledge freed jane from her lifelong struggle with self-doubt and insecurities and led to compassion for what her parents must have endured.

jane's story also changed my life forever. my mom and my nanny were not nurturing. but i now understand that that was because they themselves had never been nurtured. it had nothing to do with me. i can now see them through the lens of understanding and compassion. peace has come into my heart.
Thank you for the link.
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Default Jun 09, 2020 at 06:10 AM
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Hugs to all

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Default Aug 07, 2020 at 11:40 PM
  #11
I love this post. My mom suffered extensive abuse as a child and young adult from her mother and father. I remember we all had the same therapist once, and she probably shouldn't have said this to me. But I imagine she did, because she wanted me to know it wasn't my fault. But she told me both my parents were so broken and damaged. She wasn't able to help them. I look back on that and realize, you know, my parents are human too. And they've been damaged by life like I have and so many others. I used to hate my parents. I love them, but have boundaries. Because I was emotionally neglected and verbally/,mentally abused (by my mom) so I need to have those boundaries to protect myself. Once you understand they're just struggling, suffering people, it's easier to feel compassion.
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