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Old 12-28-2019, 02:06 PM   #1
NapTime
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Default I keep trying to date men who ignore me

My father is an alcoholic who was into harder drugs when I was young (I don't know about now). He was a partier and was rarely home. One of my first memories was of me asking my mom if dad was going to be home that night.

He was at times violent, though I was mainly too young to remember. My mom left him when I was around 3 or 4. After the divorce he would show up to take my brother and I out for dinner once in awhile or to take us to our grandmother's for holidays. Sometimes he would show up on birthdays. He was not really a presence in my life and he never put any work toward developing a bond with me. My older brother was closer to him - he had been born before the substance issues, and they bonded over sports later. My mom would tell me my father didn't know what to "do" with a girl :/ .

When I was 13 my father had an "oops" baby with a girlfriend. Their relationship didn't work out and my father didn't pursue visitation with the child. I still don't have a relationship with my little half-brother, even though I've tried to reach out.

Soon after that his now-wife moved in with him and suddenly we were expected to play happy family on birthdays and holidays. It was nice, I suppose, but it was a lot of pretending that everything was normal and we had a regular father/daughter relationship. We didn't. And there was always the underlying anxiety that he would drink too much and go into a rage.

I moved away and got married. I'm currently divorcing because I came to realize my husband wasn't emotionally capable of being in a marriage. I was ignoring my emotional needs because he couldn't provide anything in that capacity and I just wanted to pretend everything was fine.

I crave love and connection with a partner. I didn't get it from my father and I didn't get it from my ex. I've put myself out there and met some people. I clicked really well with someone and we text all the time. Which is great. But he's resistant to actually meeting. We were supposed to make plans to meet last night, but instead I just didn't hear from him all day.

He's not the only one. I have/had a "FWB" situation going on with someone who tells me they're going through some depressive issues (which I totally understand -BTDT). I've tried to be supportive and understanding, but he will go months without texting me, even if I text something simple like "You left x at my place - do you want to pick it up?"

Also, someone I was seeing over the summer ( I stopped seeing him because he'd disappear for weeks and ignore my texts) popped back up a couple weeks ago wanting to see me again. But since then he's disappeared (again) and is ignoring my texts (again).

I'm totally cognizant of the dysfunction and damage of my father's emotional neglect. How do I keep meeting this same dynamic in my romantic relationships???? I guess I rationalize it by feeling that SOME contact and affection from these idiots is better than nothing. Would it be healthier for me to tell them all to get lost? Or is that not dealing with the "relationship" issues and just shutting them out more harmful???
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Old 12-29-2019, 02:09 PM   #2
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Hello NapTime: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... Welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the Relationships & Communication forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

I'm sorry I don't think I have any advice to offer you with regard to your concern. Hopefully there will be other PC members who will have some thoughts they can share. In the meantime, though, here are links to 7 articles, from Psych Central's archives, I thought might be of interest:

How Childhood Emotional Neglect Affects Relationships

Why Do We Repeat the Same Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns Over and Over? | Happily Imperfect

Repetition Compulsion: Why Do We Repeat the Past?

Shouldn't I Be Over My Painful Childhood by Now? | Happily Imperfect

https://psychcentral.com/lib/women-and-self-esteem/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-sel...ula-for-women/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/womens...s-from-within/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Old 01-30-2020, 08:38 PM   #3
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Welcome to pc, NapTime
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Old 03-01-2020, 09:58 PM   #4
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Welcome to the club, Iíve been where you have been and seem to be attracted to men who are abusive or donít care about me. The best thing to do is take some time to take care of yourself. I would try to build your self-esteem and confidence by trying to taking care of yourself and doing things to ensure you feel good about yourself.

I am aware of my situation like you are. I have had a hard time with my parents who are abusive still. I married someone who abused me, and the marriage ended in divorce after three years. I highly suggest to look in the mirror and try to love yourself first and as a priority. I think the best thing I did was recognizing repeating patterns of abuse. Now, I am leaving my current situation away from my abusive parents. I love myself enough not to return to them anymore. They scarred me for life. I will do my best fo go forward with my scars and try to find a way to recover from them. I donít blame them for my actions since I am an adult now. I am responsible for my behavior. Thus, please try to love yourself and realize these men are not worth it.

Please try to spend time with yourself and with people who care. Being alone and free from abuse is better than spending time with abusive people. I would not look back but forward to the future. Why donít you make plans for yourself to enjoy your life by yourself for awhile. Once you feel comfortable about loving yourself and knowing yourself, may be you can care for others who will care for you as a person. Best wishes! And, please donít feel as if you are alone. There are many people out there like us and some of us never break the cycle of abuse. Let us go forward and break this cycle of abuse by loving ourselves enough not to repeat this pattern any more. It is easier said than done but we must love ourselves enough not to give into abuse anymore.
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Old 03-11-2020, 09:07 PM   #5
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I have an opinion....based on my own personal experiences. I had no idea that my growing up wasn't normal....then I got married to someone I was sure wouldn't be like my dad because I thought my dad's issues were a lack of education problem. Turned out my NOW Ex was just like my dad. I stayed in my marriage way too long (33 years). I put myself into my career & then major depression hit.....anyway I finally got out & moved 2100 miles away to where I didn't know anyone to start life over.

Things are wonderful now.....BUT I realized that I had a lot to learn & there was no way I was going to get into any romantic relationship until I got my own self figured out & fixed. I also wanted to figure out what I had been dealing with all my life between parents & husband. I had to figure out why I only connected at surface level & was it me or them. A few years after moving here, I found the most awesome psychologist & she helped me learn skills that had been missing all my life. My dogs (especially Leo) taught me what love feels like & what a heart connect feels like. From there, I felt like I could allow myself to feel it with friends. It was a total growing process for me. At this point in my life, I have no desire to waste my time wondering if I can find a right guy or not. If one pops into my life & the connection is there, great. If not, my life is more than full with activities & taking care of my farm, my horse, & my critters. I don't need someone popping in & out of my life & wasting my time & energy trying to figure out if what I am experiencing is some kind of relationship or not.

Those kinds of situations are NOT relationships. You are being used at THEIR convenience. Have enough self-respect to totally ignore them or block their numbers. You wondered if you are better off without them ....the answer is YES. Why do you want to waste your time on dysfunctional relationships? It only makes you dysfunctional too. If the right guy does come along, you will know it & it won't be playing the stupid texting/not texting games. Those are not "relationship" issues. Those are dysfunctional people who live in their own world & only bother with you when they want to. That is NOT a relationship. I wouldn't even bother to tell them to get lost, I would just NEVER respond to them again & I would block their number. Who needs or wants that kind on drama in ones life?
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