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Old 01-29-2020, 10:17 AM   #1
MtnTime2896
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Dear Dad,

You hurt me. You hurt me so bad I preferred neglect over your attention. And your affection only made me feel that much more empty because I knew it wasn't real.

For the first time in my life I'm acknowledging just how much you weren't there. I could never understand what I'd done to push you away from me like that. After all, you and everyone else (with few exception) claimed it was me. Emotionally, you were a bully when you were there, but that's the thing, isn't it? You took the glory for all of the things I did. Every ****ing thing I gave you, you threw in my face and boasted to others. I'm the only ****ing reason my baby sister was never taken by CPS. And maybe I shouldn't have covered your *** because life with you was ****ing hell.

Sure, mom had left, but you know what? She still cared more, I heard it in every phone call. You're a narcissist and I was your punching bag at best. You haven't changed and you never will. I'm done putting myself up for you to target every time something goes wrong in this family. You're the core reason it isn't one anymore. You divided everyone to be as miserable as you. Are you happy?

I was so scared, every night alone at 12 just trying to take care of this poor little girl. My sister was so ****ing sad, and you weren't there. She acted out to get you home and you never even showed. I did. Every single time. It was me at her teacher's desk talking about strategies to help her get through our mom leaving. I was the one learning how to cook, and often failing, to be able to feed the kid more than pb&j's or cereal. I panicked every time that monster banged on the front door to get me to open it. The man was able to torment me (sometimes even my little sister) because you weren't there. Sometimes, not being there meant drunk and passed out in your shed.

The weight you put on me wasn't fair. I was bound to break, and when I did.. you left. Barely speak to me since my first hospitalization in 2016. Four years of being your residential disappointment and sympathy grabber for when you're with your friends. If only the world could see both faces like I have. I feel weak for going back to you every time you just want me to come over. I hate myself for still wanting you to just be my dad. I feel like a child when I cry over the fact that you don't want to even be around me as an adult. 24 year old man who still tears up over dad not calling.

You aren't worth the time I've given you. Sorry I couldn't be worth yours.

-your son
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Old 01-29-2020, 11:59 AM   #2
Yaowen
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I can identify so much with what you wrote from my own experiences with my father. Thank you so very much for sharing this. It really helps me.
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Old 01-30-2020, 08:34 PM   #3
Fuzzybear
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Thank you so much for sharing this, my friend.
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Old 02-09-2020, 01:56 PM   #4
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@MtnTime2896 I had not realized you are actually still young yet. I wanted to help you understand that the way your father failed you and still fails you is not your fault, never meant you or your sister did not deserve to be loved and respected AND from what you have shared of yourself YOU tend to be a caring person which can make it even harder to understand how another person doesn't care.

It's very unfortunate but that's how some parents are and they genuinely don't know HOW to be a healthy parent AT ALL. It could even be that they themselves were abused or neglected so they never saw or experienced what it's like to have healthy caring parenting. I am very sorry, you deserved better and still do and I hope you have found a way to distance from this toxic parent/father.
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Old 06-22-2020, 07:36 AM   #5
Stic
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I feel this hurt in this post
There are tears in my eyes cause I can relate
Fatherís Day was yesterday and all I saw on social media was what I never had,donít have and probably will never have
Iíve had 21 years of this and just like you I cry just wanting to have a father figure,it might seem lame to some but the dyfunctionality hurts
I canít make it better or fix it but I can give an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on
Stay strong ❤️
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Old 06-23-2020, 05:14 PM   #6
MtnTime2896
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I'm sorry you all understand any of this. Post-father's day, rereading my own post- let's just say these feelings have never left. The entire time I was there, I was upset just thinking about the fact that I don't care to celebrate a damn thing regarding his "care" for me; it's too much of lie. Yet, I went to his house and I did just that. The entire time he talked only of one of my older siblings. His favorite. My dad only talks about her now, talks over anything I have to say.. even if I'm right in the conversation and not trying to change it. I don't add up. I'm not enough, in fact I'm just someone who should only admire him.

I don't want this man in my life, or the family I'm forming for myself. For my health, I love him but I need to remember he isn't healthy for me. Never will be as long as he doesn't care. I don't see him ever giving a ****. The favorite sibling of mine got a world of credit and she didn't even show up Sunday; my dad couldn't wait until I was gone. I hope he's still be happy when everyone leaves-- he probably will be. He's a man who hates his family, the family that drags him down, save his prize daughter. I'm ranting now and I apologize.

I hope everyone else here is okay after that bs of a holiday. Being a dad isn't automatic, the title something to be earned.
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