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Default May 04, 2020 at 03:28 AM
  #1
i'm a piece of ****. i'm ****ed up to my core.

to this day i still seize up around men. being in the same room as a man puts me on high alert. i had realizations that things with my father/family were worse than i had thought. but then, writing them out made them seem trivial.

i'm deeply ashamed of everything i am. i can't win no matter which way i think about it. its best for me to be alone. i hurt people no matter what i do because i've been so damaged i can't do anything right.
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Default May 04, 2020 at 04:18 AM
  #2
I feel this way sometimes about some people or even all people. Maybe, if you need to be alone to be safe and happy, that's ok. You aren't alone feeling like you messed up. I live in regret some days. I don't know how to fix it. Sorry you're feeling this way
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Default May 04, 2020 at 07:52 AM
  #3
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Default May 04, 2020 at 03:11 PM
  #4
We feel the same way. Exactly, all the time.

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Default May 08, 2020 at 12:26 AM
  #5
you dont have to be ashamed of things you dont have control over nothing is your fault
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Default May 11, 2020 at 03:06 AM
  #6
it wasn't a great day for me. i numbed out with tv. i couldn't work on any of my projects or exercise. i don't know why i couldn't shake off my mood.

regarding not being ashamed: it may not have been my fault but i can be better.

i don't know why i feel so much pain. i also don't know why i am so numb and detached.

my roommate brings over his girlfriend constantly. if i got coronavirus from her, i would not mind dying. that said, i am too afraid of social interaction to leave my room.
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Default May 11, 2020 at 09:29 AM
  #7
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Default May 11, 2020 at 08:50 PM
  #8
You are not a piece of ****. You are a hurting human being.

When a tree grows without enough water, when it is battered by the winds, when it doesn't receive the nutrients it needs to grow robust and efficient roots, shoots, leaves and nuts, seeds or fruit, nobody blames the tree for not being perfect. They don't look at the tree and say "What a piece of **** it is! How useless it is! What a pathetic tree! It couldn't even grow itself properly!"

They see it's leaves are withered from lack of water, and know what it needs to flourish. They see it's trunk is twisted and deformed, and realise it had to grow itself according to the ceaseless winds that battered it. They see it's fruit are diseased or insufficient through lack of nutrients, and know what nutrients to add to the soil to help it flourish.

Humans are not so different to trees. When little humans are watered with love, kindness, are kept safe from harm and are given all the things that are best for humans to grow, they grow well. They are sure of themselves, have the tools to successfully navigate the complex world of human relationships and are comfortable in their own skin.
When little humans are hurt, forgotten, neglected, ignored, beaten, and harmed in all manner of ways, their growth and development reflects their experiences. You can't grow without nutrients. You can't flourish with no or insufficient water. You can't grow straight and tall and sure when you are battered and assaulted by the environment in which you are expected to grow.

You are a hurting human being. You grew the best you could in the environment in which you found yourself. It sounds like you are a battered tree, one that has been pushed down by the wind, and starved of nutrients. You are not perfect tree, but you are here. You are a not a piece of **** tree, but you are in need of nurturing and care.

What do you need? Water? Nutrients? A place to rest, with no more wind?
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Default May 15, 2020 at 03:25 PM
  #9
nightmare about my father.

life in lockdown isn't much different from my regular life. i've always been alone with no means of expression.
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Default May 17, 2020 at 02:41 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by the walls View Post
i'm a piece of ****. i'm ****ed up to my core.

to this day i still seize up around men. being in the same room as a man puts me on high alert. i had realizations that things with my father/family were worse than i had thought. but then, writing them out made them seem trivial.

i'm deeply ashamed of everything i am. i can't win no matter which way i think about it. its best for me to be alone. i hurt people no matter what i do because i've been so damaged i can't do anything right.
take it easy on yourself. Everyone make mistakes.
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Default May 17, 2020 at 03:15 PM
  #11
it's not your fault.
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Default May 22, 2020 at 01:57 AM
  #12
you're exactly right, i don't know how to navigate the world. it terrifies me. i make mistake after mistake. i just wasn't made for human contact. i was born and raised to be alone. i have never been held. i am always alone. i wish i were dead.
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Default May 30, 2020 at 08:13 PM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by the walls View Post
i'm a piece of ****. i'm ****ed up to my core.

to this day i still seize up around men. being in the same room as a man puts me on high alert. i had realizations that things with my father/family were worse than i had thought. but then, writing them out made them seem trivial.

i'm deeply ashamed of everything i am. i can't win no matter which way i think about it. its best for me to be alone. i hurt people no matter what i do because i've been so damaged i can't do anything right.
What you describe are the perfectly normal responses that people who have experienced the trauma you have go through. I am the same. Unfortunately millions of other girls, women, and even boys and men, experience the same things.
You have been hurt. You have experienced a major emotional trauma and injury. Your responses to it are natural, typical and understandable. They are exactly how we know people who have been traumatised in that way react.
And, they can be healed. You can be healed.

I experienced similar things to you. I responded similarly to you. My teens, 20s and 30s were spent feeling how you do. And then I sought help, and it helped.
You can have that for you too.

You were never a flawed human being. You have done the best you could do with the circumstances you have been dealt. The effects of sexual abuse on children, especially within the family, are absolutely devastating. What you are feeling, living, are these effects of trauma.
They are not you. You is what is trying to hard to live, yearning for a normal, natural life, in spite of them.
It can be done.
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Default Oct 26, 2020 at 02:54 AM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amyjay View Post
You are not a piece of ****. You are a hurting human being.

When a tree grows without enough water, when it is battered by the winds, when it doesn't receive the nutrients it needs to grow robust and efficient roots, shoots, leaves and nuts, seeds or fruit, nobody blames the tree for not being perfect. They don't look at the tree and say "What a piece of **** it is! How useless it is! What a pathetic tree! It couldn't even grow itself properly!"

They see it's leaves are withered from lack of water, and know what it needs to flourish. They see it's trunk is twisted and deformed, and realise it had to grow itself according to the ceaseless winds that battered it. They see it's fruit are diseased or insufficient through lack of nutrients, and know what nutrients to add to the soil to help it flourish.

Humans are not so different to trees. When little humans are watered with love, kindness, are kept safe from harm and are given all the things that are best for humans to grow, they grow well. They are sure of themselves, have the tools to successfully navigate the complex world of human relationships and are comfortable in their own skin.
When little humans are hurt, forgotten, neglected, ignored, beaten, and harmed in all manner of ways, their growth and development reflects their experiences. You can't grow without nutrients. You can't flourish with no or insufficient water. You can't grow straight and tall and sure when you are battered and assaulted by the environment in which you are expected to grow.

You are a hurting human being. You grew the best you could in the environment in which you found yourself. It sounds like you are a battered tree, one that has been pushed down by the wind, and starved of nutrients. You are not perfect tree, but you are here. You are a not a piece of **** tree, but you are in need of nurturing and care.

What do you need? Water? Nutrients? A place to rest, with no more wind?
Good post. Thanks for sharing this.

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Default Oct 26, 2020 at 02:57 AM
  #15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amyjay View Post
What you describe are the perfectly normal responses that people who have experienced the trauma you have go through. I am the same. Unfortunately millions of other girls, women, and even boys and men, experience the same things.
You have been hurt. You have experienced a major emotional trauma and injury. Your responses to it are natural, typical and understandable. They are exactly how we know people who have been traumatised in that way react.
And, they can be healed. You can be healed.

I experienced similar things to you. I responded similarly to you. My teens, 20s and 30s were spent feeling how you do. And then I sought help, and it helped.
You can have that for you too.

You were never a flawed human being. You have done the best you could do with the circumstances you have been dealt. The effects of sexual abuse on children, especially within the family, are absolutely devastating. What you are feeling, living, are these effects of trauma.
They are not you. You is what is trying to hard to live, yearning for a normal, natural life, in spite of them.
It can be done.
Good post
(where have I been? Not in this forum)

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