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Old 05-17-2020, 03:15 PM   #11
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Default Re: i ****ed up so bad

it's not your fault.
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Old 05-22-2020, 01:57 AM   #12
the walls
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Default Re: i ****ed up so bad

you're exactly right, i don't know how to navigate the world. it terrifies me. i make mistake after mistake. i just wasn't made for human contact. i was born and raised to be alone. i have never been held. i am always alone. i wish i were dead.
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Old 05-30-2020, 08:13 PM   #13
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Default Re: i ****ed up so bad

Originally Posted by the walls View Post
i'm a piece of ****. i'm ****ed up to my core.

to this day i still seize up around men. being in the same room as a man puts me on high alert. i had realizations that things with my father/family were worse than i had thought. but then, writing them out made them seem trivial.

i'm deeply ashamed of everything i am. i can't win no matter which way i think about it. its best for me to be alone. i hurt people no matter what i do because i've been so damaged i can't do anything right.
What you describe are the perfectly normal responses that people who have experienced the trauma you have go through. I am the same. Unfortunately millions of other girls, women, and even boys and men, experience the same things.
You have been hurt. You have experienced a major emotional trauma and injury. Your responses to it are natural, typical and understandable. They are exactly how we know people who have been traumatised in that way react.
And, they can be healed. You can be healed.

I experienced similar things to you. I responded similarly to you. My teens, 20s and 30s were spent feeling how you do. And then I sought help, and it helped.
You can have that for you too.

You were never a flawed human being. You have done the best you could do with the circumstances you have been dealt. The effects of sexual abuse on children, especially within the family, are absolutely devastating. What you are feeling, living, are these effects of trauma.
They are not you. You is what is trying to hard to live, yearning for a normal, natural life, in spite of them.
It can be done.
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