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Trig Jan 14, 2009 at 03:01 PM
  #1
May I post without reserve? I am an old soldier from the 80's and I understand no is a direct order.I am confused and scared and scared and confused. trying not to get tears on my keyboard...please help GOD......thanksgod.......................I have DID..................this time last year i had a major flashback that put me right in the day...opening day duck and was on a farm.......a totally new environment with totally new sorroundings........the duck hunter was on the other side of a terrain feature at a lower level beside the pond............500yds away.........then the shot in my direction..........i dropped.......hit the dirt and there i was.........battledress......i covered and concieled.......started manuvering approach to attack target........came back.....then back out agin........found position........and aquired target.......but i didnt have my m16.........and then i realized..........ground........were am i.......and started coming back............breath........ground......and then i told a friend whos farm it was and i think i scared the **** outta him........but iwas shaking so freakin bad i had to tell someone........and realized i damn near broke my finger when i hit the dirt................the last one i haad lieke that was ten years ago......and got plugged in with the va.....and more things started surfacing..............shakin like a leaf on a tree right now......................4 1/2 years ago got diagnosed with DID from board certified expert in traumatic stress in the va......she helped greatly..........the va fired her 3 years sgo.........ifound her and see her twice aweek.....................to this day..........after the last flashback i went back to the va...........this time for a military sexual trauma that occured in basic training that i litterally fist fought back because of my DID..............while in the group i started having glimpse backs of a womans face getting blown with an ak round.........shakin like a mther fuker............her ffrind an d four kids wacked on the on the chzeck border in 84..........its pieces man........small pieces.........weapons check.....helicopter ride...............take cover.......wait...........here they come.........women and children........illegal border crossing to freedom............then ak fire........head shot........face blown off man........they all fell...........bulletss above me tweekin tree limbs.........supress fire..........unloade 90 rounds 16 on 2 muzzle flash........no more flash............................they just layed there........on the other side of the border........cant help..........cnat help......cant help............then i forgot totally for many many many years completely...........until this time last year in group when it came back a little bit and i started pukin right in group..........but ther is no combat record on my dd214........so i am NOT a combat vet.............i lost that whole year because i have DID......and this is a part of me that I have to get right with..........i was given the army achievement medal and a few letters of achievement for other incidents that occurred in peacetime

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Last edited by bebop; Jan 14, 2009 at 06:24 PM..
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Default Jan 14, 2009 at 06:23 PM
  #2
hi sparrow and welcome to combat ptsd and pc. your story sounds so familiar to me as I read it. I have seen many many vets over the years tell the same type of things you just did. please do feel free to post and feel safe here with us. I am going to put a trigger icon on your post just in case it might trigger others but it is ok really. please know you are safe here. the only thing we do ask is that you try to refrain from excessive cursing otherwise we are all good to go here. much love and peace to you my new friend!

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Default Jan 15, 2009 at 08:57 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by bebop View Post
hi sparrow and welcome to combat ptsd and pc. your story sounds so familiar to me as I read it. I have seen many many vets over the years tell the same type of things you just did. please do feel free to post and feel safe here with us. I am going to put a trigger icon on your post just in case it might trigger others but it is ok really. please know you are safe here. the only thing we do ask is that you try to refrain from excessive cursing otherwise we are all good to go here. much love and peace to you my new friend!


Got it,with reserve on the cursing,sorry about that.This was the first time it ever came up like this and my head and my fingers were'nt working to well together.Its a new day.I came back last night to delete this post,but I had read your post rebop and I felt a level of acceptance,finally.I have spent many years(internally working very hard)trying to put my square pegs in round holes.With your reply,rebop,I feel as if I sawed the corners off one of those square pegs and now it fits.Its a little tight,but it fits.Its finally time to break out that fine sandpaper and start sanding those edges,so they become smooth..........just trying to................

grasp the sparrowstail...................gently

Thanks Friend...........rebop
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Default Jan 15, 2009 at 09:09 AM
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Originally Posted by sparrowstail View Post
Got it,with reserve on the cursing,sorry about that.This was the first time it ever came up like this and my head and my fingers were'nt working to well together.Its a new day.I came back last night to delete this post,but I had read your post rebop and I felt a level of acceptance,finally.I have spent many years(internally working very hard)trying to put my square pegs in round holes.With your reply,rebop,I feel as if I sawed the corners off one of those square pegs and now it fits.Its a little tight,but it fits.Its finally time to break out that fine sandpaper and start sanding those edges,so they become smooth..........just trying to................

grasp the sparrowstail...................gently

Thanks Friend...........rebop



Sorry about mispelling your name, bebop. Rough night last night.Aot tired and still a little shakey...

Thanks bebop..................Friend
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Default Jan 15, 2009 at 09:55 AM
  #5
no problem sparrow. welcome again to pc and combat ptsd. this is a safe place to talk and get the issues out there for others to help if at all possible. btw nothing shocks me. I was married to a vietnam vet for many years and all our friends were vets. just wanted to let you know.

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Default Jan 15, 2009 at 10:49 AM
  #6
Sparrow, hi and welcome
I'm glad you found this forum, just sad for the reasons that brought you here.

You are safe here.
Share what you need to share whenever you are ready...
The support and caring here has been of great help to me in many ways.

I'm a Nam Vet. Army nurse, two tours. Very familiar with flashbacks and working on containing them.
Please feel free to PM

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing and what we can do to help
We Care

Cap

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Default Jan 15, 2009 at 10:52 AM
  #7
Understand perfectly. I stay out of the way during hunting seasons. Bullets flying past my ears sound the same today as they did in the old days. Glad you have have T. to bounce things off of.

Keep posting - ppl like Bebop understand and have good advice here.

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Default Jan 15, 2009 at 12:09 PM
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Understand perfectly. I stay out of the way during hunting seasons. Bullets flying past my ears sound the same today as they did in the old days. Glad you have have T. to bounce things off of.

Keep posting - ppl like Bebop understand and have good advice here.


I've held on to this for a lot of years. THANKS ALL OF YOUS.Gone to see the Doc right to keep this healing thing in forward motion.I dont recognize this feeling I'm feelin,but I think its some kinda.......love?????aint gettin mushy,but it feels good.......................me and my case hardened backside.........................................................
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Default Jan 15, 2009 at 02:00 PM
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I think feeling the love is a huge part of healing!

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Heart Jan 16, 2009 at 06:39 PM
  #10
you're in a safe place here ((SPARROWSTAIL))). i'm glad you found us. there's a lot of strength in numbers and we care about you. i read your very last post and i am glad to see that your coming here has given you hope. that's the beginning of healing...maybe baby steps at first but you deserve to feel better.
..thank you for serving our country tho it left you with challenges and wounds within the heart....an army mom

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The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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Default Nov 02, 2019 at 06:23 PM
  #11
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May I post without reserve? I am an old soldier from the 80's and I understand no is a direct order.I am confused and scared and scared and confused. trying not to get tears on my keyboard...please help GOD......thanksgod.......................I have DID..................this time last year i had a major flashback that put me right in the day...opening day duck and was on a farm.......a totally new environment with totally new sorroundings........the duck hunter was on the other side of a terrain feature at a lower level beside the pond............500yds away.........then the shot in my direction..........i dropped.......hit the dirt and there i was.........battledress......i covered and concieled.......started manuvering approach to attack target........came back.....then back out agin........found position........and aquired target.......but i didnt have my m16.........and then i realized..........ground........were am i.......and started coming back............breath........ground......and then i told a friend whos farm it was and i think i scared the **** outta him........but iwas shaking so freakin bad i had to tell someone........and realized i damn near broke my finger when i hit the dirt................the last one i haad lieke that was ten years ago......and got plugged in with the va.....and more things started surfacing..............shakin like a leaf on a tree right now......................4 1/2 years ago got diagnosed with DID from board certified expert in traumatic stress in the va......she helped greatly..........the va fired her 3 years sgo.........ifound her and see her twice aweek.....................to this day..........after the last flashback i went back to the va...........this time for a military sexual trauma that occured in basic training that i litterally fist fought back because of my DID..............while in the group i started having glimpse backs of a womans face getting blown with an ak round.........shakin like a mther fuker............her ffrind an d four kids wacked on the on the chzeck border in 84..........its pieces man........small pieces.........weapons check.....helicopter ride...............take cover.......wait...........here they come.........women and children........illegal border crossing to freedom............then ak fire........head shot........face blown off man........they all fell...........bulletss above me tweekin tree limbs.........supress fire..........unloade 90 rounds 16 on 2 muzzle flash........no more flash............................they just layed there........on the other side of the border........cant help..........cnat help......cant help............then i forgot totally for many many many years completely...........until this time last year in group when it came back a little bit and i started pukin right in group..........but ther is no combat record on my dd214........so i am NOT a combat vet.............i lost that whole year because i have DID......and this is a part of me that I have to get right with..........i was given the army achievement medal and a few letters of achievement for other incidents that occurred in peacetime

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I wish this person were still here. I feel like I was not the only one with MST PTSD and DID. I did a search and found this post.
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