Hi everyone, I am quite confused about a trend I have noted on PC. There are particular threads or forums which seem to perpetually trigger some very nasty responses. In particular, posts related to sex and infidelity. I am honestly baffled by this. Here's what I do not understand....if we are a supportive community, shouldn't the support be for everyone? Whether they are struggling with a sexual problem or struggling with an affair? If some members are triggered by those problems, then why don't they avoid the threads? Why go on and post rude and judgmental things to someone in pain? I really do not understand it.

Am I missing something? I don't think there is anything in the community guidelines saying that a man or woman having an affair cannot come to PC for support. Or that sexual issues should not be addressed....given that there is in fact a sex forum.

People with sexual problems or struggling with an affair could also be dealing with intense anxiety and depression.

Yes, I agree. Most people caught up in these things may already be experiencing shame but have trouble stopping. Just like I keep peeking at PC when I should be working. For many of us, sex is a powerful escape since it triggers so many feel good chemicals. Sex is a drug for many, even when it is only a fantasy in our mind. I sometimes use it to distract myself from pain.

I reported a very judgmental post on a thread and apparently it was considered fair game. So I am perplexed. I don't think it's possible to judge and support a person at the same time. They are opposite approaches.

[DocJohn]

Members should avoid any thread that has potentially-trigger material in it, if they are indeed triggered.

Members should post in a supportive manner, even if they disagree with another member's behaviors, thoughts, or feelings. Nobody should be here to judge another person. If you feel like you can't post in a supportive manner -- remember, criticism can be done supportively and constructively! -- then you probably should refrain from posting to that particular thread altogether.

Members should report any replies to such threads they feel are unsupportive for the community team to take a look at the reply and see if it needs to be removed.

Thanks!

Originally Posted by Nowinners

Yes, I agree. Most people caught up in these things may already be experiencing shame but have trouble stopping. Just like I keep peeking at PC when I should be working. For many of us, sex is a powerful escape since it triggers so many feel good chemicals. Sex is a drug for many, even when it is only a fantasy in our mind. I sometimes use it to distract myself from pain.

Exactly! If it were as simple as "just stop" then presumably they already would have done so. That's why we don't tell people struggling with chem dep to "just stop."

Originally Posted by DocJohn

Members should avoid any thread that has potentially-trigger material in it, if they are indeed triggered.

Members should post in a supportive manner, even if they disagree with another member's behaviors, thoughts, or feelings. Nobody should be here to judge another person. If you feel like you can't post in a supportive manner -- remember, criticism can be done supportively and constructively! -- then you probably should refrain from posting to that particular thread altogether.

Members should report any replies to such threads they feel are unsupportive for the community team to take a look at the reply and see if it needs to be removed.

Thanks!

Thank you DocJohn. I recently reported a judgmental post which still stands. I found this troubling but I am not a moderator so best I can do is ensure that my posts are not designed to shame people.

A suggestion I'd like to make, if I may, is that perhaps the community team could spend some extra time looking over the Relationships and Sex forums. Those seem to be the ones where the nasty responses often happen.

[seesaw]

I agree that if we find ourselves too emotional about someone else's post, as in it triggers our feelings about cheating or affairs, then we should refrain from posting. But sometimes we don't realize we're triggered and we respond anyways. So then ideally the moderators would step in.

Originally Posted by seesaw

I agree that if we find ourselves too emotional about someone else's post, as in it triggers our feelings about cheating or affairs, then we should refrain from posting. But sometimes we don't realize we're triggered and we respond anyways. So then ideally the moderators would step in.

Yes and I want to apologize for the time I responded judgementally to you (was triggered). It happens though I still feel so embarrassed by it I don't read your threads anymore.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

I reported a very judgmental post on a thread and apparently it was considered fair game. So I am perplexed. I don't think it's possible to judge and support a person at the same time. They are opposite approaches.

Just commenting - in general, abusers or perpetrators are not welcome to be members on the site, so this is not usually an issue. So i would guess this situation is more of a victimless crime situation, or one of adult autonomy.

Originally Posted by unaluna

Just commenting - in general, abusers or perpetrators are not welcome to be members on the site, so this is not usually an issue. So i would guess this situation is more of a victimless crime situation, or one of adult autonomy.

So abusers and perpetrators are not allowed to seek help? They should be ostrasized here the same as in society. Even if they want to change, they arent welcome here because of who they are? Good to know.

I have bpd/aspd. Two of the most stigmatized disorders in the mental health community. You should hear the things people say about me based on my diagnoses alone.

Once again I am feeling unwelcome. I am a victim of childhood abuse and trauma. I have a severely fractured personality because of it. I constantly read online that I am a ****** person, even though I have tried meds and therapy and do everything in my power to cope with the hand I was dealt. A hand that I never asked for.

What I have heard here is that this is a "victims only" site and once you display negative behaviors, it doesnt matter that you are a victim too.

I am beyond disappointed in this site, community and response. No one wants a pedophile in their backyard (for example), no one wants to help them, no one wants to hear their story. Nobody is trying to help the "abusers" because apparently abusers cant be victims.

So on behalf of every person here who has ever been the abuser, thank you for denying us any support or an opportunity to change/learn/grow. Thank you for labelling us and reminding us that no matter how badly we may be hurting, we dont matter and we dont belong.

[unaluna]

Sorry my post upset you. I think we have more in common than not, and i was not speaking against you, because then i would be speaking against myself.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Nowinners

Yes and I want to apologize for the time I responded judgementally to you (was triggered). It happens though I still feel so embarrassed by it I don't read your threads anymore.

Aw, thank you, but don't worry about it. I don't even remember it! And I was talking about myself in my post. I have been triggered and not realized and responded. And I'm sorry to anyone I may have done this to as well!

Seesaw

Originally Posted by unaluna

Just commenting - in general, abusers or perpetrators are not welcome to be members on the site, so this is not usually an issue. So i would guess this situation is more of a victimless crime situation, or one of adult autonomy.

I don't understand this post Unaluna. Having an affair does not make a poster an abuser. Nor does struggling with impotence or desiring more sex from a partner who has decided the marriage will be sexless and refuses to discuss it. these are some examples of posts I have read where some people respond in cruel ways. I read the community guidelines regarding rapists and pedophiles. I was not referring to those people. i am aware that they are not supposed to post on PC because many people on PC have been victims of rape and child abuse.

Surely you are not likening rape or pedophilia to a spouse having an affair or a sexual problem between a husband and wife. I assume you are not and perhaps my post just wasn't specific enough though i thought I was quite clear.

Originally Posted by ChaoticEnigma

So abusers and perpetrators are not allowed to seek help? They should be ostrasized here the same as in society. Even if they want to change, they arent welcome here because of who they are? Good to know.

I have bpd/aspd. Two of the most stigmatized disorders in the mental health community. You should hear the things people say about me based on my diagnoses alone.

Once again I am feeling unwelcome. I am a victim of childhood abuse and trauma. I have a severely fractured personality because of it. I constantly read online that I am a ****** person, even though I have tried meds and therapy and do everything in my power to cope with the hand I was dealt. A hand that I never asked for.

What I have heard here is that this is a "victims only" site and once you display negative behaviors, it doesnt matter that you are a victim too.

I am beyond disappointed in this site, community and response. No one wants a pedophile in their backyard (for example), no one wants to help them, no one wants to hear their story. Nobody is trying to help the "abusers" because apparently abusers cant be victims.

So on behalf of every person here who has ever been the abuser, thank you for denying us any support or an opportunity to change/learn/grow. Thank you for labelling us and reminding us that no matter how badly we may be hurting, we dont matter and we dont belong.

I understand you ChaoticEnigma. I support any professional efforts to help people who have abused or struggle with attraction to children. Shunning folks or encouraging them to be silent only adds to the problem. That said, I agree with community guidelines that convicted rapists or pedophiles cannot post on PC because I don't think PC is set up to really support them and it would be much too triggering for survivors of those crimes. I read your post after I had already responded to Unaluna's. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss more. If you take a look at quite a few of my recent posts, you'll see that I value treating all humans as humans regardless of what they have done....I don't believe in the monster myth. And I also think that PC cannot necessarily offer the right sort of support for rape survivors and rape perpetrators in the same place. Does that make sense?

You sound really hurt right now. I am sorry for it and particularly if my posts were offensive to you. Unintended. I think my brother is living with either undiagnosed BPD or NPD. He has hurt me a great deal but the person he hurts most is himself. I still offer my love and support if/when he wishes to reach out. And I would defend him from anyone who started suggesting he was less than human or undeserving of respect. He said he's worried that when he dies, nobody will say anything good about him at his funeral because they will only remember the bad things he has done. I remember all of it, good and not so good, and if he dies before me I will have plenty of good things to say about him at his funeral. Including three important times when he helped me. Not one of us is all good or all awful. Humans are a mucky combination of positive and negative traits. I agree with a comment from Sam Harris (a neuroscientist): "If you had the brain of a serial killer, you'd be killing people too." That is a very troubling idea for many but I think it's true.

Here's a genuine and safe for you Chaotic Enigma.

[DocJohn]

This should come as no surprise, as it's in the community guidelines that every member must agree to before becoming a member of the site. (If you don't read them, that's on you, not us.) Specifically:

Pedophiles, rapists, and others that have abused another individual physically, psychologically, emotionally or sexually (generally real or acted-upon) are not welcome here because our focus is on support for victims of such abuse; the two are not compatible with one another. Exceptions can be made on a case-by-case basis.

Obviously, it's up to an individual member to understand whether this may apply to their situation or not. Not everyone who is cheated on feels like they were abused, so that's a gray area (and we have many, many threads over the years from people who've cheated on someone).

Originally Posted by DocJohn

This should come as no surprise, as it's in the community guidelines that every member must agree to before becoming a member of the site. (If you don't read them, that's on you, not us.) Specifically:


Obviously, it's up to an individual member to understand whether this may apply to their situation or not. Not everyone who is cheated on feels like they were abused, so that's a gray area (and we have many, many threads over the years from people who've cheated on someone).

Thanks for elaborating DocJohn. Interesting point about the gray area of how a person feels about infidelity. Someone was unfaithful to me at one point in my life; I would never call that abuse but that's me. When I did therapy, my psychologist took time to explain the difference between being hurt by someone and being abused by them. I think that's an important distinction which often gets lost. Though that is in no way a reference to the many abuse survivors on PC. In my own life, I have experienced both: abuse and hurts.

I was thinking that if someone contemplating an affair, or struggling in the midst of one, could post on PC and receive support they may be more likely to find the help they need in order to make different choices. However, if they are shamed, perhaps they will simply return to a silent and troubled double-life?

Check. I have abused people emotionally as a byproduct of my disorders. I have also been abused myself. I didnt come here to hurt anyone, but I also can not stay where I dont feel welcome.

No wonder the cycle of abuse continues. I suggest you remove the Cluster B personality disorder section of this site all together. Im not familiar with a narcissist, borderline or antisocial who has never intentionally or inadvertently abused someone. We are the traumatized whom nobody wants to help.

For shame that support and help is only available to people who meet certain criteria. The next time you go to vilanize and demonize us, remember that you are the same people who refuse to help.

Psychcentral: Home for the friendly mentally ill.

Please remove me from this site. My new mission is to create a space where those of us who are stigmatized and shoved away can exist. Where we can get help, without you. We are not hopeless, inspite of the fact that society has written us off.

So very disappointed in PC and everyone who believes that we dont deserve help too. That we are not worthy. Everyone feels bad for my significant childhood trauma. Everyone expects me to suck it up.

"Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future". Shame on PC. Next time someone is abused, remember that maybe you treating them like human beings, damaged human beings, might have changed the outcome.

I would like to sincerely thank everyone who posted on my thread here. Whether we agree or not. I don't mind sharing that my depression is particularly troubling today. I believe that is why I was increasingly bothered by some judgmental responses I read on other threads. It's helpful for all of us to remember that any faceless poster could be in a whole world of misery and we may not even know it. For example, my partner thinks I am okay today and he lives with me

Peace and hope to all.

Originally Posted by ChaoticEnigma

Check. I have abused people emotionally as a byproduct of my disorders. I have also been abused myself. I didnt come here to hurt anyone, but I also can not stay where I dont feel welcome.

No wonder the cycle of abuse continues. I suggest you remove the Cluster B personality disorder section of this site all together. Im not familiar with a narcissist, borderline or antisocial who has never intentionally or inadvertently abused someone. We are the traumatized whom nobody wants to help.

For shame that support and help is only available to people who meet certain criteria. The next time you go to vilanize and demonize us, remember that you are the same people who refuse to help.

Psychcentral: Home for the friendly mentally ill.

Please remove me from this site. My new mission is to create a space where those of us who are stigmatized and shoved away can exist. Where we can get help, without you. We are not hopeless, inspite of the fact that society has written us off.

So very disappointed in PC and everyone who believes that we dont deserve help too. That we are not worthy. Everyone feels bad for my significant childhood trauma. Everyone expects me to suck it up.

"Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future". Shame on PC. Next time someone is abused, remember that maybe you treating them like human beings, damaged human beings, might have changed the outcome.

You do indeed deserve peace and support Chaotic Enigma. I hope you find the support that works for you.

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

You do indeed deserve peace and support Chaotic Enigma. I hope you find the support that works for you.

This is my motivation and inspiration. PC can help the victims it deems worthy. I am going to help the victims no one else wants to.