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Rose76
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Rose76 Treading water.
 
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Default Jun 02, 2019 at 03:11 PM
  #1
Over the course of my membership here, I've learned a lot about interacting with others in this kind of venue, which was a brand new type of arena for me to enter. I think the policies/guidelines are generally wise and necessary. The moderators, from what I've seen, are fair and tactful, even when they've seen fit to take issue with posts of my own. Not everything that pops into one's head needs to be posted. Also, there are often alternative ways of making a point that should be considered. I had room for improvement, and I still do.

There is one area of interaction that I think gets taken advantage of when members want to be less than civil --- the "private message." Of course, a hostile PM can be reported. A member can also adjust settings so as to limit who has access to message on the member's space. But I think there is something in the guidelines that gets misinterpreted.

The guideline says that members should work out their differences in private messages. That sounded quite reasonable to me when I read it. I took it to mean, among other things, an honest attempt to re-establish goodwill, when that's become frayed. I did not take the phrase "working out differences" to mean "venting one's spleen."

I'm happy to say that, in 8 years, I've only twice gotten PMs that I would characterize in that way. The second time was less unsettling because the first experience made me less vulnerable to what can show up under the "in box." I'm even glad of that.

I don't know that some additional guideline should be devised. But that guideline, as stated by administration, gets some pretty broad interpretation. If I post threads saying that my grandmother was the most miserable person on earth, and then I send you a PM saying, "You sure are just like my grandmother." that's not a sincere attempt to re-establish goodwill.

I don't think we should manipulate the options for communication to dig at somebody in a way that we don't want the community to see because we know we're not being nice, or even the least bit civil.

I saw an interesting policy on another support site. (I wasn't there long because I like PC better.) That site said that they encouraged members to be reserved in their use of the PM option. The site said something to the effect that interacting in open forums helped keep people mindful of staying on topic and being supportive. (It was better worded than that, but I can't look it up, as I forget the site.) In open forum, the membership better tends to police itself, which I think is very healthy.

I've gotten lots of PMs that enriched my experience here, not least of all from the moderators.

If I had to write a policy, it might be this: If your PM is sent mainly for the purpose of saying, "Hey, you stink!" then maybe it shouldn't be sent.
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Default Jun 02, 2019 at 09:17 PM
  #2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
Over the course of my membership here, I've learned a lot about interacting with others in this kind of venue, which was a brand new type of arena for me to enter. I think the policies/guidelines are generally wise and necessary. The moderators, from what I've seen, are fair and tactful, even when they've seen fit to take issue with posts of my own. Not everything that pops into one's head needs to be posted. Also, there are often alternative ways of making a point that should be considered. I had room for improvement, and I still do.

There is one area of interaction that I think gets taken advantage of when members want to be less than civil --- the "private message." Of course, a hostile PM can be reported. A member can also adjust settings so as to limit who has access to message on the member's space. But I think there is something in the guidelines that gets misinterpreted.

The guideline says that members should work out their differences in private messages. That sounded quite reasonable to me when I read it. I took it to mean, among other things, an honest attempt to re-establish goodwill, when that's become frayed. I did not take the phrase "working out differences" to mean "venting one's spleen."

I'm happy to say that, in 8 years, I've only twice gotten PMs that I would characterize in that way. The second time was less unsettling because the first experience made me less vulnerable to what can show up under the "in box." I'm even glad of that.

I don't know that some additional guideline should be devised. But that guideline, as stated by administration, gets some pretty broad interpretation. If I post threads saying that my grandmother was the most miserable person on earth, and then I send you a PM saying, "You sure are just like my grandmother." that's not a sincere attempt to re-establish goodwill.

I don't think we should manipulate the options for communication to dig at somebody in a way that we don't want the community to see because we know we're not being nice, or even the least bit civil.

I saw an interesting policy on another support site. (I wasn't there long because I like PC better.) That site said that they encouraged members to be reserved in their use of the PM option. The site said something to the effect that interacting in open forums helped keep people mindful of staying on topic and being supportive. (It was better worded than that, but I can't look it up, as I forget the site.) In open forum, the membership better tends to police itself, which I think is very healthy.

I've gotten lots of PMs that enriched my experience here, not least of all from the moderators.

If I had to write a policy, it might be this: If your PM is sent mainly for the purpose of saying, "Hey, you stink!" then maybe it shouldn't be sent.
I agree, Rose. I've had to change my PM settings so only friends/contacts can PM because I've had just a couple of instances where a person thought they were a self-appointed moderator and decided that something I said was out of line, and rather than ask me what I meant or why I said and have a conversation with me, they reprimanded me for some imagined wrongdoing. And looking back at the post when they messaged me, there really was nothing wrong with it, and it was very supportive, so this was entirely their interpretation. I did not appreciate another member basically privately attacking me for their interpretation of the guidelines.

I think if there is an interpersonal difference that you can civilly discuss in a PM, then go for it. But if a member believes someone is breaking rules, that should be left to the admin/mods to handle. I've heard other reports of members using PMs to reprimand other members. Reprimanding another person is not "resolving a conflict."

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Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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Rose76
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Default Jun 03, 2019 at 12:26 AM
  #3
Thanks, seesaw, for that input.

When I post a PM to someone, I see it as kind of like knocking on someone's door and asking, "Mind if I step in for a chat??" If I've decided that I basically don't like you, then why am I coming over to your place? In the context of a thread, which is a group discussion, there's opportunity to post a note saying, "I see things differently from post # 32 above." If I take the discussion to a private message, why don't I want other thread participants to know what I'm saying? Am I sharing a very personal revelation, or do I just not want witnesses to my hostility? I agree that issuing reprimands is not the role of non-moderators.

I think it's valid for contributers to a thread to offer the OP an invitation to "PM me, if you'd like." If, on the other hand, I think the OP is not making sense, then I should just get off the thread.
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