Third Post ...

Been at this recovery thing for quite a while now but feel as if I've been doing it all wrong somehow. I've attempted to work on it in private counseling, in group settings, at several on-line support sites - including this one a time or two.

But, I'm definitely not doing something right and keep on screwing up somehow because I feel as if I keep missing some key element that's necessary to fix all this and that until I can figure out what that is that I'm doomed to a lifetime of never becoming a whole person and if that's the case, then what's the point?

I get derailed by life so easily and each time it feels more and more hopeless!

Hi JustMe03, welcome to PC and the PTSD forum.

It can really take time to slowly heal when it comes to PTSD. It takes time to slowly gain at managing the symptoms and LOTS OF PATIENCE WITH SELF.

I think we all go through challenges in our lives and at times feel empty (not whole). Just commit to growing gaining and learning instead of trying to go back to someone you were, life just changes all of us.

How does one go about reinventing (and/or forgiving) themselves after having had a meltdown here at PC a year or so ago and doing something as stupid as closing account and quitting?

Not too proud of these meltdowns, but then again, not too sure I can help them as they seem to come about every so often (Perhaps part of my condition - Complex PTSD?).

Not using that as an excuse, but neither can Cause & Effect be completely denied either, which is what makes it so difficult for me because, do I deserve another chance if I can't guarantee it won't happen again?

At any rate, this is where I'm at right now, and I guess these questions can apply to real life too, because it doesn't seem to be going so great right now even though I've got a lot of really good stuff going for me.

How does one learn to trust and embrace all the good stuff instead of waiting for the "other shoe" to drop; and, is that a form of self-sabotage or simply based on the previous realities of a survivor of long-term trauma?

Sorry you had a meltdown. I think one thing that we have to keep reminding ourselves is that recovery is a life time process. It’s not trivial and requires both time and effort. Even when we do our best effort to not having a meltdown and even when we are stable for a long time, there’s still always a possibility for relapse.

Now learning to trust and embrace all the good stuff isn’t an easy thing that challenges me as well. I think the combination of at least two of the C-PTSD symptoms called Learned Helplessness and Self-loathing has to do with this. Learned Helplessness is when a person begins to believe that they have no control over a situation, even when they do, so we give up thinking “things won’t change anyway”. Add Self-loathing in it then there we go.

Loving themselves is like an impossible task for many people with C-PTSD. One thing that I’m trying to do is reminding my self that my traumatic experiences weren’t my fault. I try to see myself like I see another people with trauma, “Would you blame them for having trauma?”, and the answer is “No”. So I shouldn’t blame myself either. “Would you forgive them if they make mistakes due to their symptoms?, the answer is “Yes”, so I should forgive myself too. And so on

Thank you, 12AM ...

Sometimes I think that "learned helplessness" has morphed into "learned hopelessness".

But, that can't be true, because if it is, then it (the healing & recovery) was all over before it even began!

I do need to remember how I would treat another human being if it were them instead of me (a lot better than I do myself, for sure).

Yes, I understand what you’re saying. I’m struggling with hopelessness as well. I wish you the best for your recovery. Sending hugs

I’m sending hugs (((( JustMe03 ))))

Thanks for the hugs, y'all ... They gave my a much needed warm fuzzy!

I relate to so much of what you are saying. The way I look at it, PTSD is a fairly new diagnosis. So we are pioneers in figuring out how to best deal with it. I have felt that feeling too - feeling like there is a missing piece to my healing. I have tried quite a few different treatments and specialists as a result. I strongly believe that healing is possible. I feel like each of us has a different path for healing and the resources are out there for us. But it is not easy! I do think that one of our biggest resources is our intuition. So if your intuition is telling you to try a different approach, go for it.

I also can relate so much to your statement about getting derailed easily. I totally hear that. Its hard for me to not judge myself too harshly sometimes. The funny thing is that some of the skills I have developed to compensate for or cope with the PTSD surpass the skills of my peers in the workplace. So even though I crumble in certain situations, I have to give myself credit for the things I do well. I also try to celebrate the little victories, so if a common trigger for me does devastate me and I am able to recover a more easily than usually, I take that as a sign that I'm healing and improving.

I think another thing that happens is that I'm almost a different person when I'm feeling grounded and have lower levels of anxiety. I'm more myself. When I'm feeling triggered though, that's when feelings of hopelessness and self-criticism creep in. When I am in a dark place, I remind myself, "I'm having a flashback." It's normal to feel hopeless during a flashback and I try to acknowledge it for what it is. When we are having a flashback, we are re-experiencing a traumatic event where our physical and/or psychological safety are compromised. Any normal person would act differently in a situation where they were in this type of danger. I would not judge someone as a whole if I met them right after they experienced some terrible event. I would take their behavior with a grain of salt and recognize that they probably weren't being themselves because of the crisis they just experienced. We can give ourselves that same leeway by recognizing that some of our shortfalls are due to the fact that we are re-experiencing something really terrible that happened to us. The "me" that I notice during a flashback or when I'm triggered is not the real me.

Thank you, BoBoPeeps!

That part about the "me" I am during a flashback not being the "me" I am when not triggered and in a flashback is especially insightful.