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Old 03-02-2019, 12:53 PM #31
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Default Re: When 'functioning well' gets in the way of healing

Quote:
it feels safer to look after others and not oneself
YES, unfortunately this can become something learned from having too much exposure to dysfunctional and even toxic individuals.

It's always safer when something you do or say makes someone else happy though isn't it? We actually do have a lot of societal messages that tell us this as well.
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Old 03-08-2019, 01:40 AM #32
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Default Re: When 'functioning well' gets in the way of healing

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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
I am sorry you are struggling this way, I can relate to what you have described "feeling". You probably "give" in the way you wish you could get yourself too.

Does anyone EVER tell you what a wonderful teacher you are? Has anyone ever given you respect? It could be that because you DO help others in your teaching that people around you think you are stronger than you actually are too.

Often these "negative feelings" develop in one's childhood and the person isn't even aware of it. This is probably part of how you teach your students making sure they don't beat themselves up if they don't "just" get things right. It may trigger you when a student struggles because somehow in your past you were blamed when someone else was struggling. I am not good enough because YOU are not good enough messages. Or, I am not happy and it's YOUR fault messages too. And even if you don't do what I want and need you are being bad. Even, if I don't think what you care about is important that what you care about isn't important. That's one children often hear a lot. This can create this ongoing challenge in someone where they begin to subconsciously believe that their feelings are not important and don't have any value. And even "it's more important that others feel good about themselves".

Does this describe how you feel at all?
Thanks yes this is close, except it wasn't so much being told I was bad, it was me thinking it for myself because my mum kept threatening to kill herself and leaving the house, or getting really angry, and a lot of the time it was after something I'd done or said 'wrong' so I always had to try and understand what I had done wrong and in the end it just seemed to be me. Sorry I didn't reply straight away but she died just before Xmas and I didn't want to talk about that anymore.
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Old 03-08-2019, 01:46 AM #33
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Default Re: When 'functioning well' gets in the way of healing

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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Does anyone EVER tell you what a wonderful teacher you are? Has anyone ever given you respect? It could be that because you DO help others in your teaching that people around you think you are stronger than you actually are too.
I get told it all the time but I find it hard to hear
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Old 03-09-2019, 10:25 PM #34
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Default Re: When 'functioning well' gets in the way of healing

Do you think that maybe if you embrace and accept that you are doing well, are a good teacher that something bad will happen?

It was your mother who failed YOU, not the other way around ((Carmina)).

See this:
Quote:
it was me thinking it for myself because my mum kept threatening to kill herself and leaving the house, or getting really angry, and a lot of the time it was after something I'd done or said 'wrong' so I always had to try and understand what I had done wrong and in the end it just seemed to be me.
When a mother is struggling with some kind of mental illness or even a physical illness, the child's often normal response is to think it's their fault and that they are not "good enough". That's not THE TRUTH though Carmina. You get told you are a good teacher all the time and the only reason you find it hard to hear is that it doesn't match that old tape in your mind that your mother put there because SHE had the problem, not you.

I believe you ARE a good teacher and I do hope you will learn to embrace that because you want to give your students something you missed having yourself. I am sure you make sure you help them feel good about their achievements and you nurture their self esteem.
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Old 03-10-2019, 11:40 AM #35
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Default Re: When 'functioning well' gets in the way of healing

I have been giving what you shared here a lot of thought. There are times that I can feel this way myself.

When a child grows up in a dysfunctional home where they don't feel safe and they get messages from a parent or even a sibling that constantly faults them, they have no choice but to try to function despite the negative messages they are getting and whatever is taking place in their home that contributes to their not feeling safe.

When you say "I am functioning but I am not healing", well, that is saying a lot. That's because that is what you did as a child too, I can SO RELATE to this myself. A child if told they are a disappointment or a burden will begin to believe it, the child believes it because a child has no life experiences to know otherwise. A parent that constantly attacks a child's self esteem is very hard on that child and can actually create some very deep seeded negative self beliefs in that child that can affect how that child feels about themselves for the rest of their lives. This can genuinely lead to this challenge you are describing where functioning well doesn't heal this deep seeded hurt and sense of poor self image. A part of you knows what's missing and you try to provide it to others, and I bet you do a really good job when it comes to that. Yet, often that alone doesn't heal the hurt in "self".

I have a hurt like that and I really have a hard time when it comes to sharing my own needs and hurts. I genuinely FEEL like if I do that someone will criticize me for it and I can get hurt. This has led to others saying "how can you be so good about helping others and yet struggle so much yourself". Well, this develops from getting messages over and over again that you should not FEEL and "don't feel because I don't want to hear it" and your problems are not important, don't bother me with your problems. And somehow often without realizing it a person begins to feel bad if they need help and have problems or are hurt or scared or NEED something. Without realizing it, you know what's missing and you can help others and see their needs, but you unknowingly can feel that your own needs are a burden.

Another thing that can happen that a person challenged like this can end up experiencing is how they are surrounded by people that NEED from them yet cannot provide the same back. This can most definitely reinforce this same vein without someone realizing it. The responses to a need are usually COLD and matter of fact like telling you how to fix a mathematical problem or something, instead of providing caring and emotional support. So, this message of "don't bother me with your feelings" tends to keep that deep seeded challenge constant in the subconscious mind. That is what you want to "heal" and often there has been so many negative messages that this hurt can take a long time to heal, for some, the rest of their lives.

The important thing about where you are right now is that you are becoming more aware and are identifying the source of the hurt you have that needs healing.

"We may forget exactly what someone says, but we never forget how that person made us feel", that is the truth and can take time to slowly define what that hurt was so one can talk it out and slowly and gradually identify each kind of hurt that created in them.
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