TW suicidal thoughts. Shame stops you from even being openly depressed

By which I mean I have had chronic depression for as long as I can remember and have in the last couple of years put it down to CPTSD.

I have such entrenched shame about my feelings and self-expression to the point where I think my depression only goes so far. What I mean is that I have never committed suicide because I couldn't bare the shame of no one coming to my funeral, or rather my family seeing I have no life, I don't act on impulses because I don't want people to think I am seeking attention. My inhibition is so entrenched that I can't fully express myself and part of that is being depressed.

I know these sound like good things, I am not trying to say acting on these impulses are a good thing. I just feel like I am stuck in being chronic and it never gets serve because of my inhibition. This is how I feel anyway. I am so scared of being called an attention seeker people finding out what a **** life I have all I can do is isolate myself and remain chronically depressed, which in the UK gets ignored.

I feel like I should have given up years ago, but I was too scared, too ashamed. I have a strong ability to endure **** and pain, but not to overcome it.

Well... unlike you... I have in fact tried to kill myself. A couple of times I almost succeeded. However each time, after I got out of the hospital, I just went back to doing what I did before I made the attempt. It seemed to be what the people in my life wanted. And the fact was (& still is) I've been hiding for so many years... decades really... that it just seemed like the natural thing to do. It still does. So, anyway, I know something about the toll hiding can take on a person. It is exhausting. Hopefully being here on PC is of some comfort & support for you. I wish you well...

Exactly. When I attempted they thought I was dead and called homicide yet I was released from the hospital within 24 hrs and went right back to work and acted like nothing happened because because well because it made everyone else feel better and well life had to go on and I had to still make money. I even hide what is going on with me now from my H. I am in a recurring major depressive episode with ruminating suicidal thoughts, I have two therapist now and I have not even told him. He is so busy and it is easy to be an actress in front of him. I go through the daily motions of the day fighting the internal battle that goes on in my head and I am exhausted.

(((((( hugs ))))))

I do understand. I have similar feelings. I have never attempted; I truly think I'd succeed. I'm also often concerned about what others may think (erroneously). I try to hide my depression: I am out and about with a "masked depression," when I can get up enough energy to get out. I isolate a lot, too.

Welcome to PC.
I hope you find the info. and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home here. Visit the many forums and join in wherever you wish to do so.

I hope to see you around.
Please take good care of you.

WC