Torn between caring for self and cutting off family

I’m currently struggling with the worst depression/anxiety episode I’ve ever dealt with. I sometimes feel as if I’m losing my grip on reality. I don’t have a support network of friends or family to confide in. At this low point in my life, I’m really craving sympathy.

I’ve recently tried to relate to my family members that I’m really struggling. I’m used to being invalidated by them, and I’m used to their ridicule. I think in dysfunctional family dynamics, I’m what’s known as the “scapegoat”. So my only use in my family is as the last rung in the pecking order, or as the emotional punching bag. And because of this, they aren’t able to acknowledge me as a real person.

Yet at such a desperate point, I’ve started defending myself. I’m really sick of allowing them to belittle me. But as usual, they’re refusing to offer me a shred of sympathy. Me saying “I’m depressed” or “I’m really struggling right now” is only ever met with “You’re just being ridiculous. You’re so selfish.Your life is perfect. Etc. etc..”

But I’m only 22. I’ve been in therapy for 6 years. I’ve been on close to 15 different depression/anxiety/insomnia/nightmare medications in that time. I’ve been hospitalized with panic attacks. I struggle daily to find a reason to keep going. And none of my family know this, because I can’t trust that they won't ridicule me for it. Any time I try to tell any of them, I get laughed at or insulted.

I want to retain my family’s love, but I can’t take anymore neglect. I have no solid foundation of familial trust and love. I don’t depend on them monetarily in any way. In this heightened anxious state, I feel like the ground is disintegrating beneath my feet. And they are only making this worse. Yet I know cutting them off will only make them see me as more selfish, more ridiculous.

I don’t know what to do. Is it so selfish of me to seek sympathy from my family? Am I so ridiculous for wanting to feel loved by the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally?

no its not ridiculous to seek love and support from your family - it does seem like they are unable to give it though which is NOT your fault - its their problem not yours that stops them from seeing you need their support and love - you may need to seek validation and support elsewhere

If you have been in therapy for 6 years and it doesnt seem to be helping you may need to find a new therapist? having siad that - have you discussed this with them and if so what did they suggest?

toxic people dont very often change in my experience - can you join some sort of club to make friends?

vent here and let people reach out and give you their experiences if you feel you can it does help

sending hugs

disowning my toxic family was one of the best things i ever did for myself.
it was Liberating~! i was free finally to re-invent myself, and avoid those emotional rocks which are as hurtful as any stone~

what i was fortunate in, was doing my agonizing before i cut them off, and not having to do it after~ i highly recommend that you come to some sort of determination BEFORE you take any final steps,, so that you won't have to clutter your new start with old baggage~

best wishes~

This is a complex issue for me too. I have a primary family with mostly Narcissists.
THe head Narc. has passed away now, but everyone else is still very acting out sick and power over types of people even if they are not full blown. My mom is weak, elderly, almost died a month ago. I'm staying in my family's life until she passes for sure. But I really think its best for me to not to plan much contact after she's gone. Games galore can be terrorizing to me over and over. So I totally identify with so much of what people are sharing on this site.

((anna2468))

I'm currently having the same dilemma. As some have said, dysfunctional families don't change. I have a narcissistic mother who is leader of the pack. I'm getting to the stage where I have to look after myself and say goodbye to my family. Like one reader said, cutting one's family off is the liberating thing to do. You can't disclose anything personal to your family as they will use it against you. They like to gossip and are highly critical. I'm the scapegoat or the 'designated patient'. They see me as the problem person, the mental case so they don't have to look in at their own hearts that are full of nastiness and meanness.

Take care of yourself even it means cutting ties from the family. Don't worry about what they think of you. Learn a lot about psychology which will help understand yourself and human nature.

PH

I cut off ties with my family until my mother was dying of cancer. I saw her before she died and attended her memorial service. I didn't even want to do that much; her family was hostile and my dad was his usual pompous self. Yes, I know she's not getting better. No, I have better memories of me at five years old. Geez.

Didn't go back after that.

I made a lot of mistakes on my own, but I was also independent from them and that was freeing.

Anna,

It sounds like your family isn't going to change, so I think cutting them off is the right thing to do. Sometimes the people we are related to by blood are not really our family. Have you ever tried going to a support group for people with depression? I do that and have made some good friends who understand what I'm going through.