advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Marylin
Grand Magnate
 
Marylin's Avatar
Marylin has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: England,UK
Posts: 3,017
8 yr Member
863 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 06, 2018 at 03:58 PM
  #1
I have been disorientated for a few days and it is starting to affect my mental health quite badly I am deteriorating and feeling shaky and emotionally unstable, lots of fear and insecurity and nervous energy,a feeling that I am not safe,that my life is threatened and my emotional safety is compromised.

I saw a show,a couple of shows at the theatre that triggered memories and flashbacks and emotions from events that happened in my past.Bullying from when I tried to study at university aged 24,abuse from my narcissist sister when I had a psychosis at uni and had to come home,I was trapped at first in a house with her and when I got my own place she sabotaged my freedom to make me dependent on the family and make me look after my mum who needed looking after.

She lied,abused,confused brainwashed me with mind games and I was in a toxic environment with her,she was making me go into psychosis and planned it so I would always break down and end up in hospital,so eventually her plan was for me to commit suicide.Her motive she hated me and wanted to inherit my share of mum's estate when mum died and also my niece would get my house.I had a psychosis due to this about 8 times in 30 years.It took me that long to realise she was deliberately hurting me and that she was a narcissist.

I have had to text talk with her over my mum needing care while narc was in hospital for an op.This is the second time last time I had to talk to her over mum having cancer.I hate it cos she acts like nothing bad happened and she has done nothing wrong.She even tells me she worries about me and to take care like she did when she was abusing me all those years.I won't escape her till mum dies.But I won't talk to her unless I have to and I won't go into a room with her in it or a building or talk to her cos it is clear to me she means me harm and is my worst enemy.
Marylin is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous48850, mote.of.soul, RubyRae

advertisement
Marylin
Grand Magnate
 
Marylin's Avatar
Marylin has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: England,UK
Posts: 3,017
8 yr Member
863 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 06, 2018 at 04:12 PM
  #2
Continues from above post......So I got triggered thirty years abuse and emotional violence came back these last few days and issues to do with being bullied when I tried to reach out and make a life of my own people I tried to make friends with bullied me and were racist.Also I had a breakdown over my faith and lost my religion and rejected God and together with the abuse from my demonic sister the experience was like going through hell.

It came back in emotional memories,I re experience,the pain,violence and fear and the lack of security that I went through then with all the psychological confusion and disorientation and emotional disbelief,as well as physical illness and weakness.the bad experiences are too many to go into it all but to have it all in my mind thirty years worth these last few days and not realising it isn't happening now I don't need to feel it again.

But it has come up and it is like my body is saying feel it and heal it and I do feel it in my heart,solar plexus and and groin,all the sexual pent up energy related to not expressing my desires and rejecting people I was really into cos they were abusive back in my university days.....

I don't know that I can say that it is a bad thing the memories and flashbacks are making me ill but they have appeared just as I have my turn after waiting 9 months for one to one CBT therapy for the PTSD...so I will have help to heal from this hopefully.I don't want to suffer anymore,it hurts and holds me back .
I have to avoid places and situations cos it triggers me and I get ill but getting triggered awakens me emotionally and I feel more and feel my emotions in my body instead of just my mind so I come alive instead of having to hold myself numb and dead.So it is a good and bad thing.Part of the reason I went mad in the first place was cos I wanted this feeling emotions in my body,to heal in this was and come alive cos I always knew I was dead inside.

I hope this makes sense to someone,it helps a lot to write it down and organise my thoughts and document my experience...it helps me ground myself and come to terms with the experience.I am so alone with it all and it hurts...my CBT appointment in in two weeks but I also have an assessment the day after for benefits and so I am really nervous about that too.With all this PTSD symptoms and the assessment it is all very overwhelming.

I can't say more tonight I will update at a later date.

Last edited by Marylin; Apr 06, 2018 at 04:14 PM.. Reason: To add paragraphs.
Marylin is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
NUBIFER, Open Eyes, RubyRae, Wild Coyote
RubyRae
Grand Member
RubyRae has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 857
5 yr Member
455 hugs
given
Default Apr 07, 2018 at 02:09 PM
  #3
I'm sorry for what you're going through and I hope your therapist can help you feel better and manage your emotions and symptoms.
RubyRae is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Wild Coyote
 
Thanks for this!
Marylin
Marylin
Grand Magnate
 
Marylin's Avatar
Marylin has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: England,UK
Posts: 3,017
8 yr Member
863 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 08, 2018 at 02:08 PM
  #4
Today my PTSD symptoms have died down a bit and I feel more stable.I have a lot of self hatred,and I am rejecting myself quite a lot.I feel seeing as my own narc sis tried to bring about my death and messed with my mind to make me keep being ill,and a bloke I loved when quite young abused me and wanted me dead too,making me change my will,I feel unlovable for them to hate me so much and it makes me hate myself...so today I feel that and I feel unworthy of love too.It hurts,it hurts a lot..I am struggling to take care of myself yet I am plodding on.
Marylin is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Wild Coyote
 
Thanks for this!
Wild Coyote
SuperCatLover
Junior Member
 
SuperCatLover's Avatar
SuperCatLover has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon
Posts: 15
5 yr Member
Default Apr 09, 2018 at 10:17 PM
  #5
I identify with so much of your explaination and having a Narc sister.
It helps me so much to feel less alone. I have multiple narc.s in my family, and it's been torture and triggers continually. Take care.
SuperCatLover is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Marylin, Wild Coyote
 
Thanks for this!
Marylin, Wild Coyote
Marylin
Grand Magnate
 
Marylin's Avatar
Marylin has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: England,UK
Posts: 3,017
8 yr Member
863 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 13, 2018 at 03:51 PM
  #6
Thanks for your support supercatlover,I know how you suffer,narcs are nasty people,best cut off all contact...I have had better health and more peaceful life since I cut my narc sister out of my life.
Marylin is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Wild Coyote
 
Thanks for this!
Wild Coyote
Marylin
Grand Magnate
 
Marylin's Avatar
Marylin has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: England,UK
Posts: 3,017
8 yr Member
863 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 15, 2018 at 06:13 PM
  #7
I am seeing a new therapist now.I recently got triggered and have trauma memories from university again,this was 30 years ago.I hung out with a gang,one of the lads I met before,he came into my dad's shop when I was 17 and he was 12,I smiled at him and he called me fat and repulsive.I ran into the back crying,then my dad asked what he said but I didn't tell him.I know he heard cos later in the month my own dad said I was fat and repulsive to me,he didn't know the word repulsive before he heard the kid say it.

Later when I was 23 this lad came into the shop again and heard me talking about how I was going to go the next year to university.I had lost weight by then and become attractive.

Then when I got to university...he was there I didn't know at the time it was only later that I remembered he talked about trying to find my dad's shop again cos he liked me and wanted to see me but I didn't realise that was what he meant.He never came out and said I've met you before.We hung out as a group I wanted to get to know him he just wanted to jump into bed with me,no getting to know me first,no bonding.I tried to engage him. there were awkward silences and we had absolutely nothing in common.I kept trying to meet up with him hoping that we could get some emotional connection.

After I wouldn't sleep with him and word got out I wasn't sexually active he started avoiding me I refused to let go and developed a massive crush on him.Then one of our group warned me that the rest were ganging up on me and going to drive me mad,they were plotting to do so.She said I had to stop them.

I couldn't stop them I was tied up in knots and I knew I had to unravel.I was in deep self hatred and I pressed self destruct button.I smoked cannabis and also I had an un-diagnosed hypothyroidism which made me ill.They started trying to make my crush on the lad into an obsession,they did that thing the Queen does where he'd show up and only stay three minutes and then disappear,leaving me wanting more...they did that all the time.The lad's popularity increased since I was acting like he was God.

They and he played this hide and seek using this crush I had on him,following me from the city I was in university in to London and then lured me to his home town in Scotland,all the time this lad's mates were following me ,one I recognised later as his friend,I met him in the city in Scotland,I suspected he knew this lad from uni but wasn't sure.Years later I saw his friend in a catalogue modelling they were both catalogue models.So that's how I found out they had gaslighted me all the way from university through my trips to 2 other cities.From the Scottish city I went there with no money to find a place to stay and no money to get back.The police found me sleeping rough on the streets and put me in a mental hospital and when I got back to Capital city in England,I was seriously mentally ill and in psychosis.I had been driven mad by this gang like they planned.Also before this while I was still at university one of the gang this lad hang out with and who were supposedly my friends he date raped me.

For years I still had feelings for this lad and couldn't acknowledge his involvement in this abuse that took place but I recently even though really I knew it all along I could see he was fully involved and on board with the plan to mess with my mind and drive me mad.I was astounded at the lengths they went through to mess me up following me around the country.

With having PTSD I had blocked all memories of this and totally forgot it.Now it has come back and I am ready to accept the truth.This lad never ever saw me as anything more than a sex object and someone to ridicule,he never cared about my feelings.I developed a crush on him due to his good looks and initial impressive personality,but underneath all that I was ignoring his capacity for nastiness and cruelty and sexism.I was never in love with him it was a massive obssession. Why he hated me so much he wanted to drive me mad I don't know but I was innocent,ill physically and smoking cannabis which stripped me of my defences.I felt responsible for what they did to me.I felt guilty,I felt shame,I realise now they kept me in the dark and they punished me for rejecting him sexually and wanting more than that from him.He had said I was too good for him which in real talk means I put up with abuse from him and still want to know him.I was seriously hurt by this lad he caused me a lot of harm my mental health was damaged my physical health too.
I should have protected myself,the whole gang were jealous of my past and the fact that I was different and had achieved financially.I look back at them now and I see nasty,cruel,people,narcissists,selfish people that lack empathy,I hate them for what they did to me.If I could find them and exact revenge I would.They don't deserve any more time or attention from me though, I have suffered enough emotional pain because of them over the last 30 years.

I was vulnerable,innocent and this is a lesson not to judge someone on appearances,if I hadn't allowed my feelings to take over I would have walked away from them all the minute they became verbally abusive.My mistake,my bad,I had lived a sheltered life up till then and was in awe of them.I am going to explain this to my therapist see if she has anything to add.
Marylin is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Wild Coyote
Marylin
Grand Magnate
 
Marylin's Avatar
Marylin has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: England,UK
Posts: 3,017
8 yr Member
863 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 15, 2018 at 07:20 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperCatLover View Post
I identify with so much of your explaination and having a Narc sister.
It helps me so much to feel less alone. I have multiple narc.s in my family, and it's been torture and triggers continually. Take care.

I am so sorry SuperCatLover, to hear what you must be going through.Message me via PM anytime if you feel the need to talk I will support you all I can.
Marylin is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Wild Coyote
Deejay14
Poohbah
 
Deejay14's Avatar
Deejay14 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 1,452
5 yr Member
41 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 15, 2018 at 07:30 PM
  #9
Wow M. that's a lot to go tbrough. Please take care of yourself ! It's all very cruel but then to have to relive it....ugh. It's sometimes difficult when I get triggered. I handle it much better in the day than at night. Hope that things are still improving for you.

__________________
True happiness comes not when we get rid of all our problems, but when we change our relationship to them, when we see our problems as a potential source of awakening, opportunities to practice patience and learn.~Richard Carlson
Deejay14 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Wild Coyote
 
Thanks for this!
Marylin
Candy1955
Veteran Member
 
Candy1955's Avatar
Candy1955 HOPE IS A VERB, NOT A NOUN.
 
Member Since: Mar 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 605
5 yr Member
495 hugs
given
Default Jul 15, 2018 at 09:47 PM
  #10
I am so very sorry. They had no right to do this.
Candy1955 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Wild Coyote
 
Thanks for this!
Marylin
Marylin
Grand Magnate
 
Marylin's Avatar
Marylin has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: England,UK
Posts: 3,017
8 yr Member
863 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 16, 2018 at 01:14 PM
  #11
I am feeling good today.My therapist when I told her the story that I posted above helped me to see that what they did was out of jealousy and because of my ethnicity.She helped me see that I was not to blame for their abusive behaviour,nothing that happened was my fault or because of anything I did wrong,it was all cos they were bad and abusers.I was attacked and that lowered my self esteem and confidence and made me unable to defend myself or walk away from my abusers.I wanted to fit in and belong so I tolerated bad behaviour towards me but that doesn't mean I asked for it or deserved it or was responsible for it.My therapist said that when I am in pain over it to have compassion for myself,I did nothing wrong and they had the malicious intent of stopping me succeeding at university.I feel good about myself now and hatred towards my abusers who acted superior to me even though I had achieved more than them prior to going to university.I have nothing to feel guilty for or ashamed about.
Marylin is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Deejay14
Poohbah
 
Deejay14's Avatar
Deejay14 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 1,452
5 yr Member
41 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 16, 2018 at 02:07 PM
  #12
No Marylin you don't need to feel guilty or ashamed. Good for you!

__________________
True happiness comes not when we get rid of all our problems, but when we change our relationship to them, when we see our problems as a potential source of awakening, opportunities to practice patience and learn.~Richard Carlson
Deejay14 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Marylin
Wild Coyote
Legendary
Community Liaison
 
Wild Coyote's Avatar
Wild Coyote has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 12,735 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
70.9k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Heart Jul 16, 2018 at 02:47 PM
  #13
Being triggered is quite a challenge!

Please take very good care of yourself!


WC

__________________
May we each fully claim the courage to live from our hearts, to allow Love, Faith and Hope to enLighten our paths.
Wild Coyote is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Marylin
 
Thanks for this!
Marylin
Fuzzybear
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Fuzzybear's Avatar
Fuzzybear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,298 (SuperPoster!)
20 yr Member
81.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 16, 2018 at 03:17 PM
  #14
You don’t “deserve” to feel ashamed

I’m sending positive vibes

__________________
Fuzzybear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Marylin
 
Thanks for this!
Marylin
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:44 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.