Putting together the pieces in hindsight.

Grew up as scapegoat of narcissistic father and enabling mother. Father absent most of time, mother took out anger on me. Constantly terrified while in home, while presenting appearance of perfect family in public. This dichotomy was incredibly confusing. No physical abuse accept for once, but I'd almost have preferred it to the uncertainty of the psychological harm of neglect, rage, and abuse. Only safe happy memories were being at friends houses, or gone all day playing in the woods.

Created pseudo families with friends. Left home at 18. But was always drawn back to see if I could get that validation/love that I desperately wanted. Always told I was crazy or remembering things wrong if I tried to talk about it. So I would leave again.

This denial of my reality started breaking down my confidence and ability to trust people. I developed anxiety, paranoia and some substance abuse.

I later found out that I have ADHD, and once that was treated most of the symptoms went away. I still have a lot of anger toward my parents, but can let it go now that my mind is cleared. I def still triggered when I'm around narcissistic people and my hypervigilence is still present, but I am working on it.

My biggest concern is relationships. They have all failed because I am terrified and don't trust that someone can love me. Or that they will turn on a dime suddenly. I suppose it all comes down to communication, but the again, I feel like I have this big "broken" sign over my head.

Any tips for managing trust issues, communication when you have ptsd? Especially relating neglect and emotional abuse in childhood.

Hi Smitkit. Sorry you are suffering the effects of a difficult childhood. There are so many like you that are suffering in silence. Glad you are sharing.

There are some articles that you may find helpful
https://psychcentral.com/lib/healing...-to-recover-2/

https://answers.psychcentral.com/sto...-memories-emdr

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narci...n-and-emperor/

hope you get the support you are looking for.

It is good that you are trying to find out more about your growing up, look in child abuse bc that has a lot to do with trust. (((((((HUGS)))))))

I just wanted to say that I relate so much to your story. My heart goes out to you.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

I found this article and it really rung a lot of bells for me. I think it can be helpful and even validating because if one or even worse both your parents were narcissistic, then the result was emotional neglect and always feeling you had to "please" a certain way to have a sense of value. Also, a narcissist will focus a lot of "public image" and that will send confusing messages in that a child will see the narcissistic parent acting one way in public and yet not the same way in their family unit. A child doesn't have the capacity to understand "the mask" this kind of parent has. As a result, a child may end up in a toxic relationship with a partner that has this same dynamic of maintaining "the mask" and instead of recognizing the red flags, these red flags may even feel safe simply because they are familiar. The other thing that can happen is thinking that a partner should be given in to, be allowed to exhibit childish tantrums and that parenting and fixing and giving in or "enabling" is "normal" in a relationship when the truth is it brings on constant stresses and feelings of "loneliness" where something is missing that one can't always quite articulate.
https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...are-having-suc

Your and my story is very very similar, Smitkit. Hope to see you around sharing.

You nailed it. The thing is I have tried multiple times to talk to them about it and they call me crazy or say that never happened. The cognitive dissonance of that sort of broke my brain. I always knew things were off and always had that fear...but I wore the mask because my dad was such a good liar, so grandiose when he was around. Then when the masks dropped and I realized I was propping his ego and there was nothing behind it. All I have is anger.

I recently rengaged and it has been horrible. He hates when anyone does something that he hasn’t approved of. He has to hijack every conversation and make it about him. If you step out of line, you get a list of things you are doing wrong and need to change. And you will get the exact opposite list the next time.

I recently learned what gaslighting is and I feel like there is a lot of that. Plus guilt for going my own way. Independence is the biggest slight to him. He controls using money, which I’ve avoided since I was a teenager. The one time i took his help was the biggest mistake.

I respected my dad more than any other human in the world. It kills me to even write this.