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Carmina
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Default May 30, 2018 at 05:57 AM
  #1
Why can’t I sustain my positive moods? Yesterday I felt pretty good, had a good weekend, slept better. But today I just feel raw, ragged, every thought turns to suicide. It’s like for every good feeling I have to come crashing down again.
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Carmina
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Default Jun 13, 2018 at 05:22 PM
  #2
Horrible evening, had a bad panic attack in yoga today, really brought up some embodied memory issues. Made an absolute fool of myself.

Last edited by Carmina; Jun 13, 2018 at 06:17 PM..
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Default Jun 13, 2018 at 06:35 PM
  #3
I'm sorry, Carmina.

Are you OK?

I'd imagine it's natural for emotions to come out during yoga?
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Default Jun 14, 2018 at 03:09 AM
  #4
Yes Yoga exposes a lot of vulnerable areas for me (which is why I'm so tense most of the time and need it) but I don't usually break down crying in front of everyone and have to curl up in a corner. I was just frustrated with, and feeling confined by, my stupid body because everyone else was easily doing something my body couldn't do and I was fighting myself again, then a plane flew overhead really really low and made a loud noise that filled the whole room for what seemed like forever and all my feeling vulnerable came to a head, I felt crushed by the noise, it felt like the end of the world, and restricted by my limitations, both of which led to complete panic and then shame and then I just burst into tears and couldn't cope for the rest of the class, when I thought I'd been doing so well at coping lately having just got to the end of the semester not needing any time off and being able to cope with anything (but really if I'm honest with myself I'm just doing better at holding everything together and bottling everything up - again). Then I felt like I wanted to hurt myself and didn't feel safe.
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Default Jun 14, 2018 at 05:30 AM
  #5
I'm sorry to hear that Carmina.

I'm tense most of the time, too. We had similar childhood experiences, if you remember.

I'm sure everyone in the group felt very warm towards you, if that's any help.
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Default Jun 16, 2018 at 12:43 PM
  #6
Discussed this in therapy today and it's possible there was more going on here than I appreciated at the time. I do yoga because I have been tense and closed off from my body my whole life, to the point where this is actually physically taking a toll on my body which is tight and losing physical flexibility, as well as stress levels. I need to be able to relax my mind and body and be more mindful within my body. But naturally this isn't easy for me and therefore brings me up against my own defence mechanisms and vulnerabilities. For example I find if I do really let go, even for a second, I immediately feel panic and often startle, and there are parts of my body feeling too much awareness of can actually be very triggering for me, and certain positions can also make me feel exposed and even unsafe, so I have to tread carefully. All the same to get through these would overall be a positive process, but it is understandable that it isn't going to be an easy ride and that last session was an example of that. One interesting fact that I hadn't paid attention to at the time was when the yoga instructor reached out to touch my shoulder because I was crying I didn't flinch or back away, which would be my usual reaction. This was a sign that my defences were down, obviously that felt uncomfortable and scary but at the same time you could also see it as a sort of progress; in therapy progress doesn't always equate to feeling 'better', sometimes you feel a lot worse because you are moving into uncharted waters or letting go of decades of defence mechanisms and maladaptive coping strategies. It's like a crab that has outgrown its skin and has to shed it in order to grow a larger one, but once the old skin is shed for a while it's more exposed and vulnerable.
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