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cptsdwhoa
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cptsdwhoa One day, one step at a time
 
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Unhappy Jul 09, 2018 at 10:09 PM
  #1
Hello everyone. I just need some advice and opinions ( I will also be asking my therapist when I get one and that should be soon).

I'm essentially "trapped" with my grandmother (one of my abusers) because I live with her and I'm very dependent on her still (at 29 years old) and have little support that I know of. I want to work on healing, but I'm afraid of setting boundaries because anytime I try to do so and have a life of my own (or try to be assertive or have an opinion she doesn't agree with or an opinion at all) she either criticizes it, gets very aggressive and shouts, wants to fight, or threatens that I have to move out (when she's listening that is usually she monopolizes the conversation and isn't really listening. I'm learning to reach out for others to talk to. The only one who was really trying to step in and help me was my aunt-in-law and she could tell her presence was causing problems with my grandmother so she's taken a step back from me. She still wants to help, but I guess she wants to be less involved to not overstep boundaries. She talked to my uncle about the way my grandmother treats me, but of course in this family that didn't go well and nothing was solved. She talked to my aunt who is very distant. I don't trust that she will help since she never has before). This has happened the last three times I dared to speak up for myself. As I've done since childhood I retreat.

I'm just wondering if anyone has had any success healing and working through their trauma while still living with their abuser (it just doesn't seem possible to me). I feel like she will belittle any progress I make, and of course I can't speak with her about my trauma she wouldn't understand. Let's face it many people do NOT want to hear that they caused you harm and need to look at their own trauma. So, here I am trapped. My aunt-in-law keeps saying I wouldn't be left to fend for myself if I moved out (or was forced to leave) but with my family's history I can't believe that. What to do?!

Sincerely,
Between a rock and a hard place...
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Default Jul 10, 2018 at 12:49 AM
  #2
I dunno, I'm sorry. I turn 29 this year and I still live with 3 of my abusers. I'm in therapy and working on setting boundaries even though my parents get really angry when I do.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
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Default Jul 10, 2018 at 11:47 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by QuietMind View Post
I dunno, I'm sorry. I turn 29 this year and I still live with 3 of my abusers. I'm in therapy and working on setting boundaries even though my parents get really angry when I do.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
Thank you so much and I am so sorry that you're dealing with the same. It's just so tough! I know that I'm going to have to face setting boundaries. If she kicks me out then I guess that's what has to happen . In the meantime I'm looking for low income housing options.

May I ask how you deal with their anger? I think it's a journey for all of us in setting and keeping boundaries huh?
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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 12:38 AM
  #4
One of my biggest fears is getting kicked out. So I let myself get hit way into my twenties. I didn't even know until later that it's illegal. The hitting trailed off as I got older and is now mostly emotional.

What helped me was managing to land a steady job which paid me enough to save. Reducing the fear that I would end up homeless and without resources.

And working on my issues in therapy so I could muster courage to be assertive in the face of emotional and verbal abuse. It did not stop the periodic emotional abuse, but the slight but KEY difference is I stood up for myself or I walked away rather than "giving in" out of pure fear as I used to do.

Reminding myself that I have grown and if I get hit again, I have legal options and now have a friend who's place I can crash land if I'm kicked out. Much of my therapy has been about identifying and building healthy relationships with healthy people. I never had healthy friendships before but had friends who would bully and hurt me because I had no model for healthy relationships.

Learning to "validate" my parents' frustration and anger while being assertive ("I hear you feel angry because I'm giving you less money. But I'm not accepting you calling me names.") while NOT agreeing with them (reminding myself "I am not an unfilial and selfish daughter") and having my own view (it's not OK that she's trying to guilt trip me)...I'm still working on it.

They haven't shouted at me in a while. Used to be that if I walked away when my mother shouted, she chased me to try to hit me. These days I "validate" again "I know you're feeling hurt because you feel disrespected by me." so she calms down and doesn't start hitting.

It's not easy, often it feels like I'm "swallowing" painful emotion by validating them. However according to my therapist, validating them does not mean I'm agreeing with them or need to have sympathy for them. It simply means I convey politely that I've heard what they're trying to say...And I'm still going to make choices they're angry about despite whatever their reaction.

And if their reaction is to shout or guilt trip or make threats, I state that's not acceptable and remove myself from the argument. It's difficult not to shout back when someone's shouting at you. And guilt trips are really hard to bear, so I also work on letting go of guilt that's NOT mine to carry.

And if they're reasonable and civil, I "reward" that by remaining in the conversation. If they start calling me names or making snide remarks, I state that's not OK, it's mean and hurtful and walk away.

Not sure how much sense I make. None of it is easy. Find whatever independence you can to reduce dependency (eg financial dependency) because the more resources you have, the threats will BE less scary because you now have options to leave or distance yourself and resources to survive.

Also therapy is a place where I get support and where I can grieve the emotional pain I feel, express my fear and be validated and be coached in assertiveness, receive care and generally "top up" my emotional reserves.

We work on some of the abuse in my childhood and adolescence using imagery rescripting. We work on affirming my strength, growth and resilience. We work on discovering my options.

You looking for low income housing is great.

I really hope you can find supportive people. The more social support and practical support you have, it helps you while you're still trapped with your abuser.

It's definitely not easy and my heart goes out to you.
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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 11:47 PM
  #5
Well, I told her today that I want to move (thank God I have more support than I realized. I tend to not believe anyone would love me enough to care). She was NOT happy about this. Of course I got her excuses. I was called selfish. I was accused of having a terrible best friend and she and I must be sleeping together (NOT true).

Of course, without telling me, she had my whole life planned out about where I was living. I guess I'm supposed to be in close proximity until she dies. She had a lot of VERY nasty things to say about me.

I have to tell her that I have at least one housing option tomorrow. This isn't going to go well. I have to keep those boundaries though. Less she talks me into staying in close proximity until she dies.

Oh boy....
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Default Jul 11, 2018 at 11:54 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuietMind View Post
One of my biggest fears is getting kicked out. So I let myself get hit way into my twenties. I didn't even know until later that it's illegal. The hitting trailed off as I got older and is now mostly emotional.

What helped me was managing to land a steady job which paid me enough to save. Reducing the fear that I would end up homeless and without resources.

And working on my issues in therapy so I could muster courage to be assertive in the face of emotional and verbal abuse. It did not stop the periodic emotional abuse, but the slight but KEY difference is I stood up for myself or I walked away rather than "giving in" out of pure fear as I used to do.

Reminding myself that I have grown and if I get hit again, I have legal options and now have a friend who's place I can crash land if I'm kicked out. Much of my therapy has been about identifying and building healthy relationships with healthy people. I never had healthy friendships before but had friends who would bully and hurt me because I had no model for healthy relationships.

Learning to "validate" my parents' frustration and anger while being assertive ("I hear you feel angry because I'm giving you less money. But I'm not accepting you calling me names.") while NOT agreeing with them (reminding myself "I am not an unfilial and selfish daughter") and having my own view (it's not OK that she's trying to guilt trip me)...I'm still working on it.

They haven't shouted at me in a while. Used to be that if I walked away when my mother shouted, she chased me to try to hit me. These days I "validate" again "I know you're feeling hurt because you feel disrespected by me." so she calms down and doesn't start hitting.

It's not easy, often it feels like I'm "swallowing" painful emotion by validating them. However according to my therapist, validating them does not mean I'm agreeing with them or need to have sympathy for them. It simply means I convey politely that I've heard what they're trying to say...And I'm still going to make choices they're angry about despite whatever their reaction.

And if their reaction is to shout or guilt trip or make threats, I state that's not acceptable and remove myself from the argument. It's difficult not to shout back when someone's shouting at you. And guilt trips are really hard to bear, so I also work on letting go of guilt that's NOT mine to carry.

And if they're reasonable and civil, I "reward" that by remaining in the conversation. If they start calling me names or making snide remarks, I state that's not OK, it's mean and hurtful and walk away.

Not sure how much sense I make. None of it is easy. Find whatever independence you can to reduce dependency (eg financial dependency) because the more resources you have, the threats will BE less scary because you now have options to leave or distance yourself and resources to survive.

Also therapy is a place where I get support and where I can grieve the emotional pain I feel, express my fear and be validated and be coached in assertiveness, receive care and generally "top up" my emotional reserves.

We work on some of the abuse in my childhood and adolescence using imagery rescripting. We work on affirming my strength, growth and resilience. We work on discovering my options.

You looking for low income housing is great.

I really hope you can find supportive people. The more social support and practical support you have, it helps you while you're still trapped with your abuser.

It's definitely not easy and my heart goes out to you.

I cannot thank you enough for your advice. It has touched me more than you know and it's so very appreciated! Thank you again.
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Default Jul 13, 2018 at 08:52 PM
  #7
I put in my first application for housing today! I'm so excited! I'm nervous of course, but I am very excited. I have supporters who are going to walk with me. I haven't told my grandmother about the applications, but I will soon. I have some great advice from my supporters (here and in person).

So, I guess, here goes nothing. It may not be not be tomorrow, but I will definitely have to tell her soon. Here I go...
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