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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 4,799
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#1
For many years I have been quite content to be single.
Recently after a man attempted to move me into a space where a relationship could be possible, I have been feeling like having a partners support would be something that would be nice. This relationship didn't work out as I knew it wouldn't because I refused to enter into a relationship with someone who hasn't left there current partner. My problem in part is I choose the wrong men and that I seem to scare them off by getting needy. I now feel really upset that no-one will ever want me because they can't see past my mental scars. Has anyone else any experience with getting to know new partners? Would I be best going back to just being happy with my own company? |
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Anonymous35008, cptsdwhoa, Wild Coyote
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cptsdwhoa, Wild Coyote
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2017
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 3,273
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#2
If you want someone, figure out what you want in a person. Make sure you know yourself first (my biggest problem, btw).
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Wild Coyote
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Wild Coyote
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 4,799
(SuperPoster!)
5 16.2k hugs
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#3
Quote:
I think I know myself and the problem for me is that I am not healthy enough for a relationship. I just get tricked into thinking I am on a better day. Thanks SorryShaped |
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Anonymous35008, cptsdwhoa, Wild Coyote
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cptsdwhoa, Wild Coyote
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Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2017
Location: A Growlery in the UK
Posts: 1,158
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#4
Quote:
But then when I feel lonely I go back - it's a revolving door - I hate not being loved or not having someone to love |
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Anonymous35008, Thirty shades, Wild Coyote
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Wild Coyote
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,331
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#5
Hi Thirty shades. I used to choose the wrong men for a long time. My parental units lied to me (amongst other things) so thoroughly that I was still emotionally a “child” at 19. I have good A levels and a degree so clearly I’m not “stupid”, but I didn’t experience anything approaching healthy parenting, and I didn’t even have a good, close, honest relationship with a teacher or aunt. The parental units hid the “truth” from others in the “family” also. And I have no siblings Basically I had no positive role models of how to be a healthy, happy “well adjusted” (whatever that means) “adult”.
I have had some “relationships” with very abusive men. I was engaged to an abuser (who I met at university). But the abuse became so bad that eventually I tried to end it. This is a long and unpleasant story so I’ll just conclude with letting you know that it is possible to have a good loving relationship with a partner .. I’ve been married to Papa Bear for a long time. Thank you for posting .. please keep sharing here __________________ |
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cptsdwhoa, RainyDay107, Thirty shades, Wild Coyote
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cptsdwhoa, RainyDay107, Thirty shades, Wild Coyote
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 4,799
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5 16.2k hugs
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#6
Quote:
Sending you a big hug Carmina |
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Wild Coyote
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Wild Coyote
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 4,799
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5 16.2k hugs
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#7
Quote:
I can totally empathise with your childhood experience. I have a brother but for some reason my mother offered him all the love and always put me down. She lied to me too, about what sort of person I was when I was upset and kept me much younger than my real age. In adulthood she would always throw all of this back in face on a regular basis. As a result I married an abusive man who used low level violence but mainly emotional abuse against me. I was trampled on while six months pregnant and locked in my bedroom to prevent me escaping. I gave in to his bullying until I felt strong enough to escape. That is when the abuse escalated. I could not escape it as he became quite sly and the police never caught him. They did believe me as they could tell from my statements that I was telling the truth. My ex called me a mad woman and later joined forces with my father (deeply religious who disagreed with me seeking a divorce to get away from the abuse) and they have turned many people against me. The positive thing is you learn who your friends really are and I have a some really good ones. All of this makes me very wary of starting again but I do feel a loving relationship would help with a degree of healing. I can understand that just explaining my life to someone would scare most men off. So perhaps I would just be opening myself up to so much more heartache, that I don't think I could bare. I am so pleased you have found Papa Bear and have his love and support. Did he have any negative experiences from childhood to help him understand or is he just a very understanding person, if you are happy to say? |
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cptsdwhoa, Fuzzybear, RainyDay107, Wild Coyote
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cptsdwhoa, Wild Coyote
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2017
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 3,273
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#8
I too keep thinking I'm ready for a relationship, but, know that I'm not capable. I like the idea of being in love more than I like loving others.
PTSD makes it difficult for me too, because there are times I'm triggered and don't know why and can't explain it. It means there's times I don't know what's going on. It confuses and disturbs women. They want to fix me but there's not a missing part to replace, just a whole where nothing can go. Add to it that I'm bipolar one, ADHD, and a victim of many many assaults |
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cptsdwhoa, Fuzzybear, Thirty shades, Wild Coyote
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cptsdwhoa, Wild Coyote
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 4,799
(SuperPoster!)
5 16.2k hugs
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#9
Quote:
I can see why you have made this decision. I did think the same way, became unsettled by a mans advances and now think that it is ultimately better to focus my love where it is appreciated, with my family and friends together with self love and care. |
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cptsdwhoa, Fuzzybear, Wild Coyote
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cptsdwhoa, Wild Coyote
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2017
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 3,273
7 |
#10
If only there really were an island for us broken toys, where we could hang out and understand that we're all f----- up and that it's ok to be that way....
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Fuzzybear, Thirty shades, Wild Coyote
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Wild Coyote
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 4,799
(SuperPoster!)
5 16.2k hugs
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#11
Quote:
We have a little island of hope in this forum. I'm glad to know you in cyberspace SorryShaped. |
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Anonymous35008, RainyDay107, Wild Coyote
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RainyDay107, Wild Coyote
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2017
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 3,273
7 |
#12
Quote:
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Wild Coyote
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Wild Coyote
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 4,799
(SuperPoster!)
5 16.2k hugs
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#13
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Wild Coyote
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Wild Coyote
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,331
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#14
Quote:
I have a hard time with people who judge to boost their own egos Papa Bear hasn’t had adverse experiences in his childhood, he’s very kind and understanding. But he doesn’t understand fully __________________ |
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Anonymous35008, cptsdwhoa, RainyDay107, Thirty shades, Wild Coyote
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cptsdwhoa, RainyDay107, Thirty shades, Wild Coyote
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Legendary
Member Since Oct 2010
Location: Under the noise floor
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#15
My husband and I both had traumatic childhoods, abusive relationships, etc. We both just hold each other along.
If it weren't for him, I'd still be chasing unavailable and abusive men, because I thought that was all I deserved. I've had a lot of good therapy too, but I needed to be able to fill that "hole in my soul" myself first. Still together after eight years (over seven of them married). |
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cptsdwhoa, Fuzzybear, RainyDay107, Thirty shades, Wild Coyote
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cptsdwhoa, RainyDay107, Wild Coyote
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Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2017
Location: A Growlery in the UK
Posts: 1,158
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#16
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RainyDay107, Thirty shades, Wild Coyote
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cptsdwhoa, Wild Coyote
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 4,799
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5 16.2k hugs
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#17
Quote:
Thank you for posting. |
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RainyDay107, Wild Coyote
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Wild Coyote
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#18
Quote:
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Thirty shades, Wild Coyote
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Wild Coyote
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Legendary
Community Liaison
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: USA
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#19
After a few duds, I had stumbled upon my husband. He is very kind, compassionate and protective. He wants to hear anything I can share and he wants to help. It's been 27 years and still going strong.
Good partners do exist. I t may take awhile to find a compatible partner; never give up! I had stumbled across my husband's path quite by accident, I was not then seeking a relationship. WC __________________ May we each fully claim the courage to live from our hearts, to allow Love, Faith and Hope to enLighten our paths. |
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Anonymous35008, cptsdwhoa, Thirty shades
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cptsdwhoa, Thirty shades
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Veteran Member
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: Somewhere in the 1990s
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#20
Quote:
The last relationships I had with men...lets see...one guy who had a crush on me invited me out and told me he was an alcoholic (we were nineteen). I definitely understand that we all struggle, but that (and other reasons...mainly he that he got around) was cause for pause for me. There was another guy who I was talking to around that age. He told me that I looked so good he wanted to rape me when he first saw me. Lets just say that should have been a HUGE red flag for me and I shouldn't have gone out with him. I'm still learning how to not walk into abuse. There was another guy that told me he was a sociopath when we first hung out (and I still hung out with him). My last boyfriend accused me of "leaving him hanging" after I spent a week in the ward (it's taken me six years to understand how insensitive he was for saying that and why it hurt me so much). I sure knew how to pick em lol! Thanks to anyone for sharing. Disclosure is one of my biggest fears when it comes to getting close to a man. I don't want my guy to run away screaming. I know that people do commit to each other though despite our imperfectness. That gives me hope. |
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Thirty shades
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Thirty shades
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