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Thirty shades
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Default Jul 23, 2018 at 11:59 AM
  #1
I am just starting to realise the reason I am having such a hard time at the moment.

My ex husband who I have cut out of my life, let back in for the sake of our adult children and had to cut out again for the sake of my sanity, is someone I will never have contact with again.

My son's girlfriends Mum has an awful habit of trying to get me to consider contact for the sake of the kids. I am always clear, never again. She knows he is abusive to me and until recently thought that information she knew (he bugged my house to spy on me) was unknown to me. I stopped her trying another attempt (which were wearing very thin) by telling her I knew he had bugged me in my home and never again.

Her reply shook me to my core despite the fact I already knew that she knew. She said "I didn't know you knew that!"

I was shocked but have since spoken to her about how upset I am. She attempts to be friendly but says that I will be the one to miss out on future family events. I am accepting that it is my choice to keep safe and not have my abuser in my life but devastated that I will be always the one to be cut out of my son's family events. To be clear I raised both my children mostly by myself with no financial or physical help from my ex. He just kept stalking me and causing as much distress as he could.

I am now so ill that I cannot work or function at a normal level of life. It really hurts that my ex will take all the good times without lifting a finger to help but I will be left out and only be included when it suits them.

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Default Jul 24, 2018 at 02:18 PM
  #2
((( Thirty shades )))

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Default Jul 24, 2018 at 06:23 PM
  #3
Stick to your guns! Put those people in their place. That can be done in the nicest of ways if you prefer.

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Default Jul 24, 2018 at 06:25 PM
  #4
I'm so sorry ThirtyShades. For what it's worth, I think you are doing the right thing staying away from your ex. But it must hurt a lot that your children seem to be choosing him over you.
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Heart Jul 24, 2018 at 08:50 PM
  #5
I am sorry for all you have been through and are going through.

It hurts to stand up for oneself and to be excluded because of it.

My BIL is a bully and is very abusive. He has tried it with me, although it took him years to actually try his imposing his bullying upon me. He is very immature. He has beaten my sister when he's angry. Yet, when I report how he is abusing me, I am banned from seeing my sister and my niece and nephew -- until I recant. I won't be recanting. I may miss some of the family, yet I do not agree to allow him to continue to abuse me.

I hope your family sees the light, sooner rather than later.

My heart goes out to you.


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Default Jul 25, 2018 at 02:58 AM
  #6
I have had an emotional chat with my daughter who understands and is supportive. She has spoken to my son who seems unaware of what his future mother in law has said.

I am waiting to speak to him about it. It's hard because I don't want to pass my trauma onto my children, their father has already done enough damage. I find it hard to talk about such things with my son because I get very upset and he hates seeing me like that.

It is so hard. Thanks for your kind replies.
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Default Jul 25, 2018 at 02:05 PM
  #7
So today in the post, I have received a letter of lies from one of my abusers.

Letter full of manipulation and lies.

Why can't they all accept me for who I am and the healthy choices I have made?
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Heart Jul 25, 2018 at 08:30 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thirty shades View Post
So today in the post, I have received a letter of lies from one of my abusers.

Letter full of manipulation and lies.

Why can't they all accept me for who I am and the healthy choices I have made?
Some people are very stuck in their ways and refuse to see anything unhealthy in what's going on; therefore, they will not see your need to protect yourself/your sanity.


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Default Jul 27, 2018 at 11:14 AM
  #9
I have had a chat with my son and he is very supportive. He understands what we have been through as a family and doesn't want me to be excluded.

It would seem his future MIL is acting (with best intentions for her daughter and my son) because she wants everyone to get on. I have tried explaining to her but she doesn't understand really.

He is going to ask her not to bring the subject up again. I hope she takes notice this time.

Thanks for all your replies and support. I really appreciate it.
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Default Aug 05, 2018 at 08:24 AM
  #10
Hi Thirty Shades,

I empathize greatly with you about your current circumstances regarding your ex / children.

I am baffled how your son's girlfriend's Mother is handling the situation. Arguably her intentions MIGHT be good in that she MIGHT be trying to bring the family together. However, all you should have to do is tell her once that she is overstepping your boundaries and that it is NONE of her business. If she is a party to information such as your ex bugging your home and still expects you to drop it all, she is clearly unable to understand and simply cannot. I think you already know that trying to get her to understand is not worth the effort. Showing any form of vulnerability and trusts could lead you to getting hurt. In fact, I would set major boundaries with her because she might be sharing information with your son and that might form a triangle with your ex. This would be a potentially toxic situation for you, one that you cannot win. Better to leave it alone. Toxicity breeds toxicity. Steer clear of the drama triangle and learn to build supports outside of it.

In regards to them saying you will miss out on memories: that is called hoovering. It is a tactic that abusers use to draw you back in. Abusers are masters at figuring out your triggers and using them to their advantage; in this case, what better way then to dangle potential memories in front of your face and cause you guilt and shame if you should happen to get healthy and set boundaries and not show up. It is disturbing! Unfortunately so many of us get caught up in abusive relationships because we don't recognize the common traits and red flags that float around abusers. Do not feel as though you are missing out on memories if you know those memories would be tainted by your Ex. Instead, find out ways to make your own memories. There are tons of opportunities to hang out with your children and extended family without your Ex.

Would you hang out with the family if your Ex was not present? I think that is a perfectly healthy boundary for you to set and if your children do not respect that, they are simply too immature to understand and respect you.

I have had to go no-contact with my father and brother and for a time my mother. I have also gone no-contact with several of my friends. All of these people were toxic to me and abusive and simply had to go. I understand what you mean when you say enough is enough and no-contact is the only option. Our bodies tell us a lot about those we interact with. If I spend an hour with my brother I feel under attack; and I am psychologically. He is a Narcissistic abuser, as is my Father. I simply will not subject myself to that abuse anymore. I experienced the same thing when I went no-contact with my family members. My Mom would always try to draw me back into situations where I would see my Brother and I would tell her off. It was hard at first to miss out on family events, but eventually it got easier and I found self-respect and empowerment by doing what I needed to do to protect myself. In the end, I simply went to family events that did not include my brother or father. I would also approach extended family members one on one while making my rounds to see everyone on my own. It provides an opportunity to have more personalized conversations and even a chance to explain your absence if you feel you are ready to do so.

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Default Nov 19, 2019 at 06:46 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thirty shades View Post
So today in the post, I have received a letter of lies from one of my abusers.

Letter full of manipulation and lies.

Why can't they all accept me for who I am and the healthy choices I have made?
They are abusers. They hate accepting others as is and they love to lie and manipulate

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Default Jan 13, 2020 at 07:11 PM
  #12
I'm glad your son is standing up for you. This lady needs to leave you alone and respect your boundaries. It's not her job to bring people together. If I were there I'd defend you.
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