Just recently diagnosed.

..and I wish I wasn't told.

I can't help but think of I'd been better if not knowing that there was something wrong with me beyond "depression and anxiety".
Once you start peeling off the layers it didn't seem to end and you can't help but look back and think how incredibly stupid, naive and ignorant you were to letting the abuse go on.

In my case 11 years of living with an alcoholic father who got screwed out of a couple of million dollars by his own mother. She valued money now than her own son and gave the majority to her daughter...and guess who was on the receiving end of his anger..

I lost the greatest years of my life because of greed and lost any sense of self and self worth.

Being 42 now, with no formal education, no thanks to being kicked out of University (how could I concentrate studying with a lunatic always screaming, breaking things, slamming doors, etc).

I constantly think of "checking out" of life and yet I'm still here. All because of the natural desire to stay alive.
But when you're broken down mentally, it's such a struggle to fight the urge to stay alive. It's being draining.

Friends don't truly grasp it, never will.
I isolate myself a lot, spend hours on end in my car, a learned behavior from avoiding the times when the dunk was home. I lost my dog to old age in 2014, got her in the middle of this "life" I was in. She basically saved me and the irony is I got her from the Humane society.

It genuinely seems like this is it for me and my life.

Thanks for reading, I know everyone wants their stories to be read and there are so many of us looking to vent, talk etc.

I don't have a natural desire to live. Mine is an active, involved, one, but I wish it were engrained in me.

I hear where you're coming from. I just want you to know that you are heard and understood, and I get it.

I was feeling that way recently. I very much regretted starting the recovery process because there's so many layers that I didn't realize were there and didn't want to deal with. I'm better about it now and I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful for you too. I know that it can sound so syrupy and perhaps unwanted right now, but I hope not (I totally understand that we just need to grieve sometimes and vent, ya know?). But, it really can get better. I pray that it does for you.

If you haven't heard of this book already may I suggest Pete Walker's Surviving to Thriving? I've found it invaluable for Cptsd survivors including myself. I've also found his website helpful: Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy
as well as this one: Healing Complex Trauma & PTSD

I sometimes IDEALIZE suicide. I try Not to let it get into My head too much...What helps me is that I lost 2 brothers from Suicide and since I have lived with the pain of that...It stops me.

I hope that, in some way, you will be able to find a path to deep peace within...

I only recently realized that I didn't just have bipolar disorder but also CPTSD. It actually made me feel better, because I felt like I failed bipolar treatment. I wasn't getting better, I was still having trauma reactions and meltdowns, and I thought I just couldn't manage my emotions. Despite decades of therapy and medications. I thought it was my fault.

I'm still stressed out and scared, but at least now I feel like I'm getting the right kind of therapy and I'm actually getting to a point where I can manage my emotions in the workplace. Which is huge since I've been fired a bunch of times and I'm unemployed and looking for a job now.

Yes, there are more layers to uncover, but having this diagnosis means knowing how to uncover them and what kind of support you need.

Dude, I hear you. Times get really rough and I wouldn't wish my darkest times on my worst enemy. It really, really sucks sometimes.

Something what helps me when I am feeling hopeless is to read overcoming obstacles stories. Some of my favorites are reading or watching videos about Viktor Frankl, who was a holocaust survivor. His story has some really powerful lessons that I can apply to my own life too.

I also like to watch really depressing movies that have a good ending like "The pursuit of happiness" with Will Smith. Stuff like this gives me hope.

And one of the things that Vicktor Frankl taught me is to ascribe meaning to our suffering. For me, I look at the PTSD as a puzzle I need to solve. How am I going to beat this thing? I used to ascribe meaning to it by thinking I will help others with PTSD. Now I'm just selfish about it! LOL. Screw them! I just want my own life back for right now.

Another way to look at it, if you are into philosophy, is to look at Albert Camus's The Myth of Sisyphus. This might be more relatable if you are atheist/agnostic and you like really intellectual stuff. He basically addresses the question, "If I am suffering, why not just commit suicide?" For him, his existentialist "meaning" was to carry on with an air of protest or as a sign of revolt.

I am in no way going to try to paint what you are going through as easier than what it is. My point is, you need to figure out your Why. It should be something that deeply resonates with you. Chanel those intense feelings into ascribing some purpose to your suffering.