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Default Oct 07, 2018 at 10:06 PM
  #1
I'm just getting it out as if this were an entry in a diary. I love that I have support here for these times since I don't really have any in-person friends at the moment to talk too.

So, I'm thinking that I will write my brother in December. It will be our 30th birthday then. I don't really celebrate them but thought it would be nice to let him know I still care and haven't forgotten about him. He's my twin after all. If I wait until December it would be three months since we talked.

I've absolutely needed time away from him, my grandmother, and my family (though he hasn't necessarily been respectful of that). I was also thinking I might call my grandmother to see how she's doing. I'm not sure if I want to go that far (maybe just a text).

The thing is...am I opening up a can of worms by getting back in touch with them? I've been doing so well not talking to them. All that comes with them is drama and problems. Would I even be ready to talk to them again? If they haven't changed then what? Would I be setting myself up to be hurt by them again? Hmm...do I need to prepare myself to live the rest of my life without my family? What would that mean?

Maybe I'll just test the waters by sending him a letter in December. I can let him know that I still don't want to talk, but I'm open to writing letters. At least that way I can get a feel for where he's at and take my time in responding. I find it easier to get out what I want to say when I write anyway. Oy.
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Default Oct 08, 2018 at 09:55 AM
  #2
I think that writing a letter in December might be helpful to you - good luck. I’m sending hugs

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Default Oct 08, 2018 at 10:42 AM
  #3
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I think that writing a letter in December might be helpful to you - good luck. I’m sending hugs
Thanks Fuzzy! I'm thinking the same. I feel comfortable with that. I'm hoping that when I explain myself we can get to know each other. Really. I feel like our relationship, since we started talking again in our early 20's (we had a really strained relationship when mom died when we were 13. We pretty much went separate ways until he started writing me when he was sent to prison), was based solely on him taking advantage of me. I understand that perhaps you really can't mature in prison, but hopefully we can establish a bond beyond what I can do for him and what he can get from me.

I have to make it clear to him that I only want to write. No asking me for money, no asking me to help with women, no asking me for anything. I'm not his secretary. We need to be getting to know each other now as adults. I'm putting up boundaries that are safe for me. I will see how it goes! Oy.
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Default Oct 08, 2018 at 11:06 AM
  #4
I personally think you’re opening a can of worms by sending him letters. Toxic people won’t change even after many years passed by. But, I truly adore your kindness and the kind of heart you have. You care about them no matter how much they hurt you. You believe that people can change, you’re hoping that they would so you reach out to them even though you’re risking your own heart here. I think that’s the kind of bravery that not many have. So good luck for that! Fingers crossed for you 🤞🏻

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Default Oct 08, 2018 at 01:16 PM
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What I see as a positive is that you are taking steps to set boundaries and you are also aware of your brother's behavior patterns that disrespect your boundaries. Sometimes however, a family can be too toxic to interact with and even though you want to find a way, it's very possible that you will never actually find the kind of respect you desire from them.
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Default Oct 08, 2018 at 03:48 PM
  #6
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I personally think you’re opening a can of worms by sending him letters. Toxic people won’t change even after many years passed by. But, I truly adore your kindness and the kind of heart you have. You care about them no matter how much they hurt you. You believe that people can change, you’re hoping that they would so you reach out to them even though you’re risking your own heart here. I think that’s the kind of bravery that not many have. So good luck for that! Fingers crossed for you 🤞🏻
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What I see as a positive is that you are taking steps to set boundaries and you are also aware of your brother's behavior patterns that disrespect your boundaries. Sometimes however, a family can be too toxic to interact with and even though you want to find a way, it's very possible that you will never actually find the kind of respect you desire from them.
Yes 12AM I do keep hoping. As you've explained here my kind heartedness (thank you so much for saying that you're so kind ) sometimes gets me into trouble with manipulative people. Maybe I just don't know how to self protect. I'm still only learning boundaries. I don't want to think that I can't ever be around them, but I'm still waiting for my dad to change too (the whole family really)...it hasn't happened...yet. Thank you for your input.

12AM and Open Eyes I do think I could be opening a can of worms. That's why I only feel comfortable with a letter. If only in acknowledgement that I have a twin brother and I'm grateful that we saw another year and are entering another decade. It may be too much to think there's been a major turnaround.
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Default Oct 09, 2018 at 02:09 AM
  #7
is he safe to be around? what if he gets out of jail and comes after you for no reason at all?
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Default Oct 09, 2018 at 10:23 AM
  #8
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is he safe to be around? what if he gets out of jail and comes after you for no reason at all?
An old family friend thinks he'll be dangerous in a way of being overprotective when he gets out. She has a nephew that threatens (and has beat up) every man his mom dates...she thinks my brother could end up being that way with me. She even joked that I better get married before he gets out so he doesn't have a chance to disapprove of someone I'm dating lol. She said to move and not tell my family I even left. When they wonder where I went we joked that I could send a postcard from a P.O. Box lol. They could call but only from a random location...I'll only take calls from such and such place at 12 pm on Thursdays not a second later lol.

But, all joking aside, I'm honestly not sure if he'll be safe to be around. He was very violent before he went in when we were eighteen. He pulled a gun on my uncle and was ready to shoot dad (all of this when we were teens and he was really living a thug life). I mostly stayed away from him then. He did get upset one time when I was talking to some high school friends on the phone and pulled the phone chord out of the wall while I was talking.

He's often in the hole. Mostly for fighting. He's only got three years left and seriously needs to get his head on straight.

What worries me most is that people still want him dead (for who he was on the streets and for "snitching" on a another inmate who's now on death row...that was a huge concern for me when I moved back home six years ago. some people come after families), that he's not going to have changed and will still be in that criminal lifestyle (which could be likely. I get that it's prison but even prisoners make choices to stay out of the drama as much as possible. he's not making an effort to just walk out his sentence and do better. still caught up in being a thug. there's been some growing up for him, but he's still got to have what he wants when he wants it), and he's said some things to one of his "girlfriends" about how he has people on the outside who can come looking for her. The truth of that is doubtful. Seems like he was mostly joking...and if that were true he'd get help from these people not me most likely.

You know what...I just sat and really thought about what I just wrote. It makes me sad. Score one for me for not being in denial about how bad things have been in my family (and continue to be). This is sad.

I was going to say that he's been respectful of my request to be left alone, but he hasn't. At first he said he understood when I asked then had some excuses for why he just had to call me. I poured my heart out in an jpay email and I could tell he still didn't get it. He kept having his latest potential baby mama constantly text me, and she was cussing and stuff. I asked her told her I needed to be left alone, but she lets my brother tell her what to do.

I told my brother that I needed a month to not talk to anyone. After not really respecting that he did leave me alone the rest of the month (this past September). And sure enough, my family friend said that he would be calling on the first watch and see, and here he was. I told him I needed more time. Here he has this potential baby mama calling me again about how she got robbed for her purse and if I could put 5 or 10 on her phone so he could call. He didn't want her to leave the house, but she could drive over and pay me back. I had to tell me again that I wasn't ready to talk and had to tell this girl to stop contacting me.

Everything with him (and my family) is drama. Everything.

I'm sorry this is longer than intended. When I stopped to think about it it all just came pouring out and I just started typing away. I'm a little angry but mostly sad. I'm working my way through all of my denial about this situation and the trauma suffered.

I'm sorry I don't even know what I'm getting at anymore. But yeah...I honestly don't know if he would be safe to be around. If I'm honest with myself...and this is hard for me to admit...I wouldn't want to be around him at first when he's out. I would have to see that he's really changed.

Wow, avlady. Great question.
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Default Oct 09, 2018 at 10:52 AM
  #9
Your story breaks my heart. So sorry you have to go through this

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Default Oct 09, 2018 at 11:22 AM
  #10
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Your story breaks my heart. So sorry you have to go through this

...Just Getting it Out
Thank you so much. I so appreciate your care and concern!

The sad thing is that this kind of dysfunction is normal for my family (maybe for a lot of poor black families...or poor people in general? I don't know, but this is normal for a lot of people I knew growing up and in the black community in the area around here. Most of the boys my brother and cousin grew up with are dead or in prison. My brother's in prison my cousin was murdered. And every generation from my grandmother down has the same pattern of single mothers raising kids with absent fathers due to neglect or they're in prison. My grandmother's dad wasn't in her life. Her children's father (my grandpa) wasn't in my mom, aunt, and uncle's life. My dad was barely around and spent time in prison. Same with my cousins and their dads. Now my brother is in prison not raising my niece (her mom has had issues so my grandmother has custody). My cousin is dead (spent time in prison too) not raising his children. My cousin (female) is raising her children alone (one's father is in and out of jail, the other's father just started a six year sentence). MADNESS!!!!

On one hand it's like my family gets that it's wrong, but on the other hand they don't? I don't know. I've read that dysfunctional families make excuses for their dysfunction.

Drugs, prostitution, gang banging, violence, dope boys, etc.

I honestly have no idea how I turned out the way I did. Why I didn't go down the same road as many people that I know of did in my family (didn't get caught up in the streets I guess). Did you know I was actually congratulated when I turned 18 because I didn't get pregnant?

I could see it as a child and I see it now. The way my family does things is just...off. I thank Yah that for whatever reason I took a different path. I'm not perfect, and I've definitely made mistakes. However, I'm so glad that I didn't take the route that so many in my family have taken.
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Default Oct 09, 2018 at 03:08 PM
  #11
Wow what a story Yeah sadly statistically, crimes are more common in poor areas Even though there are many rich people who are completely evils too. I don’t know exactly how you took a different path than the rest of your family, but diamond is diamond even though it comes from a dark lake full with mud

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Default Oct 09, 2018 at 05:22 PM
  #12
Yeah...at first I couldn't see any reason for why my old therapist said I had undiagnosed PTSD. I'm starting to get it now. From all the hurt within my family, to the environment I lived in.

It's so interesting that I was in and out of therapy since I was fifteen, and it was an intern who caught on that I had PTSD. I was offended at first. I was in denial. I'd never been in war or seen what something traumatic, or so I thought.

Thank you so much! You too are a treasure! Thanks for letting me vent. I guess I just really needed to get that out lol.
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Default Oct 16, 2018 at 05:26 AM
  #13
I think you nailed it on the head when mentioned the need for boundaries. That's awesome. Even if you just start out with a letter, boundaries are so important - even just having them on an emotional level, whether we have to enforce them or not.
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Default Oct 16, 2018 at 05:22 PM
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I think you nailed it on the head when mentioned the need for boundaries. That's awesome. Even if you just start out with a letter, boundaries are so important - even just having them on an emotional level, whether we have to enforce them or not.
Thanks! I'm learning how true it is to have healthy boundaries with people. I was reading a bit about it today, and I realized that I didn't even know that boundaries involve more than just physical boundaries! I'm getting better about setting them (and recognizing that I need them in the first place). I still feel guilty when I do, but I'm doing better.
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