Many studies have proven that adults that don't grow up in trauma & abuse have a mostly intact, flowing life narrative, whereas those of us that grow up in trauma and abuse do not ... Instead we've got these disjointed fragments of memories due to the impact repetitive childhood trauma and abuse had on our brain's development.

I got to thinking about this, and started asking myself a series of questions trying to figure out when, where and how it (the trauma and abuse) started and kept feeling literally smacked in the face by my very first memory.

Possible trigger:

I was only a toddler (about 2-3 years of age) and my 2nd oldest brother (12-13 years of age) violently raped and sodomized me in the hallway bathroom ... The assault was so brutal that I still bear the scars below my bottom lip where my teeth burst through the skin as he slammed my face into something porcelain (disjointed fragment there) so it had to be either the sink, the toilet or the bathtub ... I do remember the coolness of the porcelain on my face oddly enough ... I also remember the strong odor of feces and have actually had olfactory flashbacks of that whenever I have an intrusive memory or flashback of the incident as a whole.

Now I know the "experts" state that we don't have memories at that early of an age, but I most certainly do, so they can take their "expert" opinions and stick 'em where the sun don't shine ... This isn't the only traumatic memory I have from such a young age, and I even distinctly remember the times I actually dissociated and watched the assaults from a remote distance such as the corner of the room or on a hill or by a tree depending if it was happening inside or outside that little house of horrors I grew up in ... I didn't know at the time what was happening because I was too young to put it into words I had yet to know, but it all certainly makes sense now!

How about you?

What is your very first memory?

How old were you at the time?

Is it a happy or sad memory (or confusing)?

Is it traumatic?

What impact do you think this has on where you are in life now?

If you participate in the discussion, please remember to utilize the trigger icon and/or brackets when applicable, and for the love of Pete (whomever that is), please do not judge, question or dispute another person's experience as that is not helpful and quite invalidating.

[Skeezyks]

I'm so sorry you had this dreadful experience. I have the sort of disjointed fragments of memories you mention. However nothing so horrible as what you've described happened to me. For me it was more, I think, a long series of lesser experiences... sort-of like the old saying about death by a thousand cuts. I won't go into any of the details though. There are simply too many of them. (I also have never yet been able to figure out how to do the trigger thing.)

One of the "unique features" of my situation, I guess you might say, is that I was an only child. And, growing up, my parents used to like to tell me stories of things that happened with me earlier in my life. So now, looking back, with some of the things I think I recall, I can't be sure to what extent I really recall it & to what extent what I recall is what my parents told me. Of course, there are some things I know my parents didn't tell me either because it would have reflected poorly on them or because they weren't there. But, regardless, it all went together to really mess me up over the long haul. And sadly I, in turn, did irrepairable harm to others who deserved infinitely better from me. All a punished!

[seeker33]

My first memories I can "prove" is being very young and helping my mum bake a cake. She let me mix poppy seed filling in a bowl. :-)

But I've had a special vision... I don't know if it's a memory or what... But I felt it strongly with all my senses at the time when we were discussing my early childhood with T. At night, I had a vision of being in total darkness, and wanting to cry but no sound came out of my mouth. I vawed my hands in front of me, as if I wanted to hold someone but there was no one there, I was completely ALONE. I had this experience several months ago.

I think it may have been some strange recollection of my birth. I was born with umbilical cord around my neck and with my eyelids stuck together so I couldn't open my eyes before a minor surgery. I think this was my first trauma, right when I was born.

Other things were similar to Skeezysk, nothing really traumatic on its own, but many, many small and insignificant ones.

[Open Eyes]

I have very early memories so I know it's not true that a child doesn't remember their early childhood years.

Studies have also shown that children can develop PTSD and Complex PTSD due to emotional neglect and verbal abuse ... So don't y'all discount yours as being less traumatic if there wasn't any physical and/or sexual abuse involved ... All of it is bad and has lifelong impacts on those of us unfortunate enough to have experienced any of it.

[Fuzzybear]

Thank you Pfrog for posting this. I also have the disjointed fragments of memories you mention.

[Unrigged64072835]

I hardly remember my childhood until starting school. My parents and grandmother, though, have told of things around 5 that I did, usually with my temper. Of course, my father was physically abusive and all relatives were emotionally abusive, so what is to be believed is unknown. Since I was at the bottom of the pecking order, who knows what was true.

I was born with a blood disorder, and had 13 blood transfusions. Nowadays it's treated with a shot for the mother, but that wasn't around back then. I can't look at a needle and I feel more pain than most with IVs and such.

I'm not sure is the type of response you're looking for but I have very early memories of being embarrassed in front of large groups of people. I was young and didn't really understand the event I was attending, and I remember being dressed appropriately but not knowing how to act in such a large group. When I tried to join in, I remember always being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe I didn't belong there at all, who knows. But my parents were well-off and most everyone would appease me (I don't remember being charming or defiant so I don't know why exactly), and felt they only wanted to avoid a 'situation'. I wasn't corrected so much as laughed at. I knew I was doing something wrong, but I didn't know what. Funny because as I am now older, my natural response to an uncomfortable situation is to laugh

The memories I keep of my youth are fairly vivid as I revisit them as often as I can. The bad ones, I keep less detail but are there just the same. Any younger than that, I can't remember. Only a few vague memories of drinking a cold drink on a hot day and hearing music in an auditorium for the first time. Things and places that had a large impact are more fragmented for me. I also remember dreams that I frequently had when I was younger, and still do have similar dreams now that I am older.

[kismetie]

Hm, I want to say the first memory I had, I was probably 2 going on 3 and it was of my parents arguing. Even then, I was trying to be the peacemaker of things and mediate. I remember coming out of my room with on of those toy microphones from the 90s and trying to talk over them, saying "stop fighting, stop fighting." They continued to argue until it was time for my mom to go to work, while my dad stayed at home and watched me.
My second memory that had to be around the same time (may I was 3 by then) was of having a nightmare at daycare/babysitters. I was looking for my mom and found her cut up into small cubes in the back of the car. It wasn't graphic or annything but the affect was all the same eeven if my 3 year old mind couldn't conjure up an accurate picture of what a disfigured/mangled body should look like. I remember I just woke up crying and just cried myself back to sleep.

[Amyjay]

The very earliest thing I can remember is from before I was 2, and it is not traumatic. It is just an impression of a visual snapshot and a moment of understanding. Some say you don't form lasting memories until you have the language to code them but this obviously doesn't include traumatic memories which are encoded as sensory flashbacks rather than verbal narratives. This narrative memory, short though it is, is not traumatic in any way.
My earliest traumatic memories are from age 2. From then on it's a bit of a mess.

[Skeezyks]

Here's something I have no memory of but that my parents old me about when I was a bit older. I guess that around the time I was an infant there had been several children who died in their cribs when milk from their bottles curdled in their airways suffocating them.

One evening, my parents had put me to bed with a bottle. They heard me choke, or make some kind of crying sound, & then go silent. They rushed in & I apparently wasn't breathing. My father, as I recall him telling it, picked me up by my legs & hit me backwards against the nearest wall which dislodged two curdled balls of milk from my nostrils.

I've always struggled with a great amount of fear in my life. And I wonder if, perhaps, that experience was at the root of that. It may be that in that moment my father both rescued me, & destroyed me, at the same time.