advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Carmina
Poohbah
 
Carmina's Avatar
Carmina has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: A Growlery in the UK
Posts: 1,158
5 yr Member
129 hugs
given
Default Dec 28, 2018 at 01:53 PM
  #1
So I've been approached recently by a woman on OKC who is interested in me but also into BDSM. She seems intelligent and attractive but her descriptions of what she's into are leaving me very confused and uncertain regarding what to do next. I've been ignoring her up till now but feel it would be polite to respond but have no idea how to respond. Sorry this may be a bit long.

Up till now I have had no experience of BDSM of any sort. Obviously I know what it is, in theory, and have been trying to read more about it, but much of what I have seen and read mostly scares me, and to be honest some of it also horrifies me. This is not meant to disrespect the validity of BDSM for those who are into it, I know it's meant to be consensual and so on (when done 'right') and many people find it erotic and for them it is a valid form of sexuality. I'm just trying to work out what it means for me, if anything.

The main problem is this; as someone with a history of childhood trauma and abuse I can't stand the thought of inflicting any sort of pain or humiliation on another human being, consensual or not, that doesn't even come into it. Neither could I 'dominate' someone, I am a quiet, gentle person, I can't even raise my voice to others without feeling guilty or bad. However that doesn't mean I'd be suited to being 'submissive' though either; I could not trust another person enough to allow them to dominate or control me, and the idea of someone causing me pain turns my knees to jelly (and not in a nice way). I have also come across BDSM in porn on occasion and always tend to skip those ones; some of it is horrible and demeaning towards the women involved (almost always by men) and as a woman-loving male with strong feminist sympathies I can see where the perspective that argues at least some aspects of BDSM can be seen as thinly veiled patriarchy is coming from. Here's one article I read from this perspective:

BDSM is Violence Against Women

However in my reading (and also here) I have come across different viewpoints that argue that BDSM can in fact also be empowering for women and indeed this seems to be the view of my OKC acquaintance. I found this article from this standpoint very interesting and well reasoned and it did make me question some of my assumptions:

BDSM And Feminism: "Stop Telling Me What I'm Supposed To Like, D*mn It."

And here is one author arguing from both angles:

THINKING KINK: DOES FEMALE SUBMISSION MEAN OPPRESSION? (sorry this stie keeps messing up the url name it's https://www.b i t c hmedia.org/post/thinking-kink-female-submissives-BDSM-feminist-magazine-sex-consent - take out the spaces)

I do like the idea of play within sex, but for me the best sex is tender, slow and where there is play it is gentle, funny and loving. Where I can see some of that fitting certain aspects of BDSM would be in the more aesthetic aspects of things like Kinbaku-bi, which can be quite beautiful from images I have seen. But as you can see I'm hopelessly confused, please enlighten me.

Last edited by Carmina; Dec 28, 2018 at 04:37 PM..
Carmina is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote

advertisement
amandalouise
Wise Elder
 
amandalouise's Avatar
amandalouise has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: 8CS / NYS / USA
Posts: 9,133
15 yr Member
884 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 28, 2018 at 03:55 PM
  #2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carmina View Post
So I've been approached recently by a woman on OKC who is interested in me but also into BDSM. She seems intelligent and attractive but her descriptions of what she's into are leaving me very confused and uncertain regarding what to do next. I've been ignoring her up till now but feel it would be polite to respond but have no idea how to respond. Sorry this may be a bit long.

Up till now I have had no experience of BDSM of any sort. Obviously I know what it is, in theory, and have been trying to read more about it, but much of what I have seen and read mostly scares me, and to be honest some of it also horrifies me. This is not meant to disrespect the validity of BDSM for those who are into it, I know it's meant to be consensual and so on (when done 'right') and many people find it erotic and for them it is a valid form of sexuality. I'm just trying to work out what it means for me, if anything.

The main problem is this; as someone with a history of childhood trauma and abuse I can't stand the thought of inflicting any sort of pain or humiliation on another human being, consensual or not, that doesn't even come into it. Neither could I 'dominate' someone, I am a quiet, gentle person, I can't even raise my voice to others without feeling guilty or bad. However that doesn't mean I'd be suited to being 'submissive' though either; I could not trust another person enough to allow them to dominate or control me, and the idea of someone causing me pain turns my knees to jelly (and not in a nice way). I have also come across BDSM in porn on occasion and always tend to skip those ones; some of it is horrible and demeaning towards the women involved (almost always by men) and as a woman-loving male with strong feminist sympathies I can see where the perspective that argues at least some aspects of BDSM can be seen as thinly veiled patriarchy is coming from. Here's one article I read from this perspective:

BDSM is Violence Against Women

However in my reading (and also here) I have come across different viewpoints that argue that BDSM can in fact also be empowering for women and indeed this seems to be the view of my OKC acquaintance. I found this article from this standpoint very interesting and well reasoned and it did make me questions some of my assumptions:

BDSM And Feminism: "Stop Telling Me What I'm Supposed To Like, D*mn It."

And here is one author arguing from both angles:

THINKING KINK: DOES FEMALE SUBMISSION MEAN OPPRESSION? (sorry this stie keeps messing up the url name it's https://www.b i t c hmedia.org/post/thinking-kink-female-submissives-BDSM-feminist-magazine-sex-consent - take out the spaces)

I do like the idea of play within sex, but for me the best sex is tender, slow and where there is play it is gentle, funny and loving. Where I can see some of that fitting certain aspects of BDSM would be in the more aesthetic aspects of things like Kinbaku-bi, which can be quite beautiful from images I have seen. But as you can see I'm hopelessly confused, please enlighten me.
my opinion... the fact that you are confused says to me you are not ready to engage in this art form/ life style called BDSM.

a person that can safely engage in this is someone that is sure of their self, trusts their own instincts and own judgement and also trusts their partner whether or not they are on the giving or receiving end.

it can be empowering for those that have PTSD categories of disorders because in this a person has and able to stand by their own boundaries, theres rules to this, theres code words. and both parties talk at length why each wants to engage in this, what the goals/ expectations are and both parties work out the playing field of boundaries of what is acceptable to each other and what isnt..

a person who has undergone great sexual trauma didnt have all these options with their abusers. their abusers had total control over them. in BDSM the more dominant one only has the amount of control over the other that the other person allows.

example with my abuser I could not say no. they did what ever they wanted to do with me whether I wanted it or not, with BDSM I set the rules of what can and cant happen with me and my body. there is also a code word that my wife knows means stop no matter what or get arrested for abuse. I trust my wife to not break that boundary and she trusts me to tell her when enough is enough. and vice versa when she is on the receiving end.

this isnt something to enter into if you are confused, scare, unsure of your self and unsure of your partner.

my suggestion since you are confused, scared and you feel you would not be able to do what a person in this sexual art form would ask of you, be honest with the person who wants this of you. let them know you just are not into this kind of thing, tell them what you are comfortable doing with them, then leave the problem in their hands to either accept your boundaries or move on and you both find relationships that you both are comfortable being in.
amandalouise is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Carmina, leomama, may24, seeker33
leomama
Grand Magnate
 
leomama's Avatar
leomama has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 4,703
10 yr Member
172 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 29, 2018 at 12:08 AM
  #3
My partner and I have ptsd and are in a bdsm relationship. It depends on the people.
leomama is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Carmina
 
Thanks for this!
seeker33
Carmina
Poohbah
 
Carmina's Avatar
Carmina has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: A Growlery in the UK
Posts: 1,158
5 yr Member
129 hugs
given
Default Nov 05, 2019 at 05:12 PM
  #4
I'm still struggling a bit with this. My current partner says she likes to feel some pain during sex at times but I find it very hard to inflict any pain or to be intentionally hurtful, sadistic or use humiliating language. It just doesn't feel right to me and feels abusive tbh. I know it would be consensual but I don't feel good doing this. We have explored some things like rope bondage that feel safer and more loving but I think my history makes me very squeamish about anything that involves treating another person in a way I perceive as abusive. Is that wrong? Should I try and get over this? I still feel some sympathy for the feminist articles I posted above that critique BDSM but at the same time appreciate that many people seem to find it liberating - it's a paradox I am finding hard to resolve for myself, especially since my partner seems turned on by at least some of this sort of thing.
Carmina is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
leomama
Grand Magnate
 
leomama's Avatar
leomama has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 4,703
10 yr Member
172 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 05, 2019 at 05:24 PM
  #5
I would say no they don’t mix and leave it at that.
leomama is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Carmina
Poohbah
 
Carmina's Avatar
Carmina has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: A Growlery in the UK
Posts: 1,158
5 yr Member
129 hugs
given
Default Nov 05, 2019 at 06:08 PM
  #6
They seem to mix for you going by your previous post, or have you changed your views? I'm wondering if I'm just too afraid to confront my fears and need to toughen up (my partner would say that i do).
Carmina is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
leomama
Grand Magnate
 
leomama's Avatar
leomama has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 4,703
10 yr Member
172 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 05, 2019 at 06:10 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carmina View Post
They seem to mix for you going by your previous post. I'm wondering if I'm just too afraid to confront my fears.


And when did I make my previous post? Why don’t you check the date and come back and tell me why you think that might’ve changed for me? Also, I’m single and have been for quite some time with no plans in place to change that. You might find more sympathy on a bdsm forum such as fet life or even Usenet.
leomama is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Carmina
Poohbah
 
Carmina's Avatar
Carmina has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: A Growlery in the UK
Posts: 1,158
5 yr Member
129 hugs
given
Default Nov 05, 2019 at 06:20 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by leomama View Post
And when did I make my previous post? Why don’t you check the date and come back and tell me why you think that might’ve changed for me? Also, I’m single and have been for quite some time with no plans in place to change that. You might find more sympathy on a bdsm forum such as fet life or even Usenet.
Yes I know your last post was ages ago - so was mine. I was just wanting to clarify whether your opinion had changed or you just meant I should accept that this is not for me. Sorry if I hadn't realised you were now single, I don't follow every thread so wouldn't have known that. I suspect I'd just be accused of 'kink shaming' on a BDSM forum even though that is not my intention.
Carmina is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
leomama
Grand Magnate
 
leomama's Avatar
leomama has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 4,703
10 yr Member
172 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 05, 2019 at 06:27 PM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carmina View Post
Yes I know your last post was ages ago - so was mine. I was just wanting to clarify whether your opinion had changed or you just meant I should accept that this is not for me. Sorry if I hadn't realised you were now single, I don't follow every thread so wouldn't have known that. I suspect I'd just be accused of 'kink shaming' on a BDSM forum even though that is not my intention.


I wasn’t asking you to follow every thread, why would you say that? I was simply pointing out to you that my reply was over a year old and that I no longer had that partner. I would risk going on a kink forum, I know for a fact fetlife has mental health forums and Usenet has people who struggle with mental illness and are in the lifestyle. I’m simply saying I don’t think you’re going to find what you’re looking for here. Alternatively you could try the relationship forum here but again, I don’t think you’re going to find many people in the lifestyle on psych central.
leomama is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Carmina
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:06 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.