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Old 01-20-2019, 05:59 AM #1
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Exclamation RE: Complex PTSD & Connectedness ...

I've come to the conclusion that being connected to people who are never there is far worse than just not being connected at all.

What's the point of all these numbers in my "contact" list on my phone if nobody's ever there (or responds) when I call or text?

Am I really that much of a social outcast?

And if so, then why the hell did you give me your number in the first place?

Don't like how this makes me feel so I'm redoubling my efforts to stop trying to be more of a friend to people than they are to me in return.

Maybe I should just delete all these numbers and go back to being a solitary soul.

It hurts a lot less that way.

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Old 01-20-2019, 09:22 AM #2
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Default Re: Complex PTSD & Connectedness ...

I hear what you’re saying.
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Old 01-20-2019, 05:28 PM #3
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Exclamation Re: Complex PTSD & Connectedness ...

Just finished watching an episode of Grace & Frankie.

They were being ignored by a salesclerk in a store.

He was all Mr. Super Attentive when a pretty young thing came in though.

He immediately dropped everything he was doing and hopped right up to the register to assist her.

Grace ended up having a meltdown right then and there and Frankie dragged her from the store as Grace yelled at the clerk if she was irrelevant.

Man, did that ever smack me right in the face!

That's how I feel when trying to connect with these "friends" on my contact list and end up being rejected and ignored time and time again ...

Ir-EFFING-Relevant!

But it's even worse than that because these are people that are supposed to be my friends, not a salesperson I don't even know!

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Old 01-21-2019, 08:12 AM #4
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Trig Re: Complex PTSD & Connectedness ...

I've got to figure out a way to let all this go.

It isn't healthy to continue to allow this to derail me.

It's like pulling a loose thread and all the sudden realizing that it's unraveling the whole thing ...

All the way back to them ... them being my family of origin.

They're the ones that left me with these feelings of otherness ... not belongingness ... alienated ... undesireable ... misfit ... defective ... reject ... not good enough ... too much ... not enough ... outsider ... outcast ...

Only good for them when they needed something ... and their something was that I was nothing more than an outlet for their physical, emotional, sexual and verbal abuse of me ... their teasing, terrorizing, tormenting and bullying of me ...

I'm still paying for all that today ... And it really makes me sad (and angry) that I was alone then and am still alone now ...

Because they stole away my ability to trust and connect in a healthy way with anyone else ever again.

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Old 01-21-2019, 01:04 PM #5
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Default Re: Complex PTSD & Connectedness ...

I hear what you're saying too, Pfrog. To people who are abusive to you, you don't need them in your life. To people who may seem to just ignore or be uninterested, I went through a similar situation. I am very triggered by people who treat me like I don't matter, and that includes people who ignore my messages who are supposed to be family and friends.

Recently, when I was dealing with a bunch of negative things on top of things at once, and really overwhelmed, I'd sent someone just a quick thank you message on FB and they seemed to ignore it. Due to my other stress, I ended up going over the edge and posting a general message to everyone and anyone on facebook who may not respect me.

Posting that message felt good, but I also ended up deleting it. I have friends. And some of them were worried that I meant them and they felt bad. The weird thing is I did mean them. I meant a lot of people.

I think for me, my thoughts can become distorted when I'm depressed, stressed, and overwhelmed and triggered. People do love me, like me, and care about me. But I also feel the way I feel sometimes. I honestly need to get out more and I think that...for me, communicating on the internet just sucks. The woman who I thought had ignored me, it turned out her phone had died. I think after that she just forgot. However, no one said I should have taken my post down, or shamed me for it. Maybe there was a grain of truth to it, AND people care about me, AND I need to get out more and not put so much stock into what goes on in messages online.

Your post just brought up a lot of resonant thoughts for me. I was intending to help you too with my own story. Sorry if it didn't though.

I hope you have a better day, Pfrog, and I hope that you are able to make some friends who you feel good around, and I hope you stop spending time around people, and putting stock into people who don't seem to care. If worst comes to worst, if you want to save your friendship, communicate how you're feeling with the specific person you're struggling with.

Hugs to you.
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Old 01-25-2019, 02:56 PM #6
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Old 01-26-2019, 10:04 AM #7
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Unhappy Re: Complex PTSD & Connectedness ...

I keep having to remind myself that this probably has more to do with me and my issue (Complex PTSD) than it has to do with any of them (my supposed friends) and their issues ... But somehow, even knowing the difficulties I bring to the table when trying to connect with others, there is still a part of me that knows that I'm not totally responsible for the disconnectedness ... Yes, I know I can be too much - and I work diligently to hold back so as to not overwhelm.

I did try to express to one of the friends how I was feeling and all I got was an "I can see how you feel that way, but ..." (an excuse that kind of felt like they were trying to convince me that I was not seeing the situation as it really is) ... This has caused me to pull back and kind of introspect because I realize that it pulls threads (triggers) from my past and I don't want to mix that in with the here and now, however, I also know when something just doesn't feel real or genuine or sincere.

I guess the best thing I can do is to just let it all go with love, which I admit is kind of hard to do when you feel you haven't been treated right and are hurt because of it ... But, I keep telling myself that the feelings of rejection, loneliness and despair are nothing new to me - I've been dealing with being "alone" since the day I was born ... So, here we (me and my inner child) go again on our own and for some reason that makes a song by Whitesnake come to mind ... So perhaps I ought to adopt that as my theme song and just keep on keeping on knowing that I can handle being alone because it truly is all I've ever really known.

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Some things that get broken simply aren't able to be put back together again ... I've healed as well as I can, but
it's not lost on me how much was, is and shall remain broken; up until the day I leave this patch of dirt called earth.

-Pfrog

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