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Member Since Dec 2019
Location: Australia
Posts: 3
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#21
Hi, I'm new here. I have exactly what you say (and of course much more) regarding my Complex PTSD. Regarding amnesia, I've stopped trying to remember so ardently about episodes or periods. If I have forgotten them, maybe I did so because it was easier to survive this way. As for fatigue, it bothers me much more and some days I am completely incapable of functioning. I have not discovered a method of being more active: I've tried supplements and diets, strict discipline, better sleep patterns, ... it all seems to fail. If anyone finds out the magic trick, please tell me.
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Alatea, jtaylor81194
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Member Since Feb 2020
Location: InMyHead
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#22
Hi guys, I have amnesia, in fact I have been diagnosed with dissociative amnesia, induced by childhood abuse. I was not diagnosed with CPTSD specifically, but my T told me my disorders are all post-traumatic in their origin, and my profile, with all other diagnosis (GAD, DP/DR, somatization disorder etc.) pretty much ticks all the boxes. I am 44, and started re membering my pre-10 year old childhood a bit more than a year ago. It was and it is still agonizing. However, a year ago I was in a state of complete dissolution of personality and mind. I lived as if I were submerged in translucent gelatine, seeing and hearing everything around me with an incredible effort, and sometimes just losing my grip on reality. I am a little bit better now, but it goes in cycles.
I resisted the flooding of memories sooo bad, and it was not purposefully, as I wanted to remember. In response to newly revealed memories, I would suddenly have a black out, then I would be totally depersonalized, then I would be myself in some other time and of different age, I was tossed to moments in my life, and I swear one of these days I felt as I am in the 80s, knowing all the movies and the music and the trends, it was just like Tom Henks in “Big”, just the other way round. (this is a reference for us “older” folks😊) I do not want to speed up the process of remembering. I understand the cycle, as someone already mentioned, of remembering, then integrating the memories, then having a bit of time to recuperate before the next round. I realize that I cannot stand more than I can stand. I have my dissociation to cut in whenever it seems too much. And I did not like my dissociation so far, and this terrible feeling of leaving your mind, and seeing yourself and the world from some remote corner of consciousness where the light are still on, but only barely. However, I know that dissociation saved me from the unbearable, so I do have gratitude towards this remarkable coping mechanism. I saved myself, I soothed myself, I protected myself. I never felt more alone then when I realized that, after recovering some of my traumatic memories, but I never felt more proud of myself. I did that. I was the one who saved me. No one else did. I feel for all of you who had to do the same. And I am incredibly proud of you too. All the best, and take care, A. |
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Open Eyes, Purple Heart
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Member Since Jul 2011
Location: Australia
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#23
Hi everybody!
Discussions with former T's agreed that I have C-PTSD. I think some asked what causes this condition? It's different from PTSD. PTSD relates to one traumatic event that causes anxiety and flashbacks related to that event. C-PTSD is more extreme and is due to being a victim of multiple traumatic events and often by multiple abusers. Often the victim feels trapped and has nowhere to turn for help. It's a feeling of being disempowered and constantly abused which could be physical, verbal, sexual and even neglect. I had amnesia of all the above abuses from childhood until I was aged 38. I did a program which opened the door to the subconscious mind and I was faced with a waterfall of flashbacks that engulfed my conscious mind. I am still processing a lot of these flashbacks which relate to different abusers in childhood. I think amnesia is the mind's way of protecting us from the very painful traumatic events. From what I've read when our mind thinks we're strong enough and ready, we can start to experience flashbacks. Flashbacks are often fragmented memories of the abuse which occurred. For me I see bits and pieces of the abuse by a particular person, associated with moderate to severe psychological pain as I re-experience that particular traumatic event. I had moderate to severe chronic fatigue in the early 2000s. I use to tell people I had CFS (Chronic fatigue syndrome). I even was getting Vitamin B injections from my doctor to try to improve my energy levels. Like many said here I was constantly lethargic and felt like an old man since everything was an effort to do (even little things). But in hindsight I think the CFS was more depression related. I was so depressed that it zapped me of all energy. I was diagnosed with major depression and at times was on two anti-depressants but I was always treatment resistant to medication. Looking back now I believe the depression related to the child abuse which traumatised my mind and body. As I started to process the trauma memories/flashbacks I started to reclaim my life and vitality. I have more energy today than I did back then. For me unpacking the trauma and processing them lessens the heaviness of the traumas in my body. Hopefully in time I will become lighter as I process and recover from my traumatic childhood. PH |
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Alatea, jtaylor81194
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Alatea
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Member Since Apr 2020
Location: Logan, Utah
Posts: 10
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#24
So: I have chronic migraines, chronic nerve pain, and frequent exhaustion. At times, like you said, I've been basically dead for days on end because I overdid it for a few hours one day. And the weird thing is that this only started when I turned 18--never anything like it before. And all of it resists treatment. I've been on so many medications that I've lost track--probably somewhere over 40 in the last two years. A stress pill is really the only thing that does much of anything, and even that isn't much.
I think that this is probably caused by PTSD, but I'm not sure... I also have some severe memory loss (or I'm just going insane--IDK). Sometimes, my body will start acting out something (heavy breathing, suffocation like I'm drowning or something like that, crying, saying random words/phrases, ...sex...(I have no idea what's up with that)), but I have no idea where I am, how old I am, who I'm with--nothing. I've tried looking for the memories, but I only end up acting out more stuff, and some of it really sucks, like my body will force me to hold my breath until my veins pop out of my neck and I get all dizzy and my face gets hot... not fun. I really NEED to figure out what sort of memories my brain repressed--it's driving me crazy, and I can't think about anything else unless I consciously distract myself. But it isn't working. I don't feel like my subconscious could fabricate all of these feelings and actions, but part of my worries that it's all fake and I'm crazy for thinking that something like that actually happened. But the strangest thing of all is that the first time I had an episode of acting out these memories, right after it ended, I didn't have any headache, nerve pain, or fatigue for the next few minutes. I mean, it had been years since I'd felt like that, and it was great. I have a feeling that the only way to get rid of all this is to remember, but, like I mentioned, having your body remember something like drowning/ suffocating really sucks. Anyway, I just thought I'd post because we seem to be experiencing similar things. |
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Alatea, Purple Heart
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Alatea
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Member Since Jul 2011
Location: Australia
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#25
Quote:
Sorry you experience a lot of suffering. If I was in your situation I would first see a general doctor to make sure there isn't anything physically wrong with me. If I was to get a positive bill of health from the doctor I would then find a therapist. Do you see one? You can't force yourself to start remembering things, your mind/body will reveal anything that you need to know in time. From my recovery I have to be patient, I can't rush the process. Generally it's a lifelong journey of recovering. You need to get a diagnosis anyway and with my ptsd I've learnt to just accept the unpleasant feelings. If I resist the feelings it can backfire and get more intense. PH |
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jtaylor81194
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Member Since Apr 2020
Location: Logan, Utah
Posts: 10
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#26
Thanks, Purple Heart.
Because of my migraines, I have had A LOT of work done on me (EMGs, EEGs, MRIs, MRAs, lumbar puncture, liters of blood work, etc.), so there is nothing wrong with my body (perfect health--woot!). I am getting in with a therapist on the 27th of this month, so hopefully something comes of that. |
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Purple Heart
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Member Since May 2020
Location: Duncan
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#27
Quote:
Last edited by bluekoi; May 03, 2020 at 07:28 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon. |
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Member Since Jul 2018
Location: Somewhere in the 1990s
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#28
I don't think that I struggle with fatigue on a daily basis. However, I'm working through another bout of depression due to issues with Cptsd and boy do I feel it. It hurts in more ways than one, and I'm finding that I'm exhausted more easily and just very tired (mentally, physically, and emotionally). I was numbed out for weeks, but as the fog is starting to lift I can feel it more in my body now. I've always had neck and shoulder pain, and this episode has me wondering if that is because of muscle armoring over the years.
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Member Since Oct 2016
Location: Florida USA
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#29
I don't struggle with it on a daily basis but yes often times I get really tired. I'm just mentally drained from everything that I've been through. It's stressful. Especially when I am triggered and constantly on edge. Sometimes I need alone time so I can recharge and just relax. Just need a break from people, not because I hate people but because I'm mentally exhausted. It's very emotionally draining all together. This is what some people don't get. Many times I remind myself that I am not crazy, I just am healing from all the abuse I've been through. I often suffer with headaches, backaches and my neck is stiff from stress. So I'm always gentle on myself and remember to always take care of myself.
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cptsdwhoa
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cptsdwhoa
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Member Since Oct 2020
Location: United States
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#30
I'm tired quite often, but I'm not sure if it's C-PTSD, depression, medication, or just not sleeping well. (I'm a bit of an insomniac with severe delayed sleep phase disorder) so who knows?
Most of my childhood and a good portion of my life up thru high school is a blank. Honestly, I'm a bit grateful for that -- I have enough fodder for flashbacks as it is. Starting at about age 34, my memory has gotten progressively worse, and I've lost even more details of things that have occurred since then - even of the good stuff. Sadly, memory specialists are really expensive and not covered by my insurance, so I'm just resigning myself to it. I can't say if that's due to effects of C-PTSD or something else. Either way, it wouldn't surprise me if C-PTSD was the cause of either of these things. |
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Member
Member Since Jul 2020
Location: Texas
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#31
I remember pretty much nothing but flashes and the beginnings of a lot of situations up until adulthood. Both of my marriages are pretty much a blank. In fact, I don't have a whole lot of solid formed memories until these last few years (I'm almost 50) during which I have had exactly ZERO abusers in my life, for the first time ever. So halfway through, I'm finally making coherent memories, lol!
I also have chronic fatigue but also depressed and have autoimmune condition that no dr has found a good treatment for as yet, so I spend a lot of time just sitting, which I know is unhealthy, but what can I do when everything hurts and I can barely lift my arm? *sigh* I can finally make memories, and I'm using them to keep track of my medications and doctor appointments, lol. |
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