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LifelongLoner
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LifelongLoner It's the same old, same old. And, I do mean old!
 
Member Since: Nov 2018
Location: Long Island, NY
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 09:04 AM
  #1
Repeatedly. Everyday. I have thoughts of people harming me. They won't stop. I have tried everything: meditation, challenging the thoughts, praying, repeating mantras. Nothing has worked.

The thoughts grab me and I get caught up in them. Lately, even though I get engaged by the thoughts, I just let them run their course. I do not have control over them. They cause me to lose my train of thought all the time and lead to a lack of accomplishing things because they are distracting. Increasingly, I isolate. People continue to treat me badly in real life too which only supports the repeated thoughts of former friends and coworkers mistreating me.

I know that it started in my childhood which was very dysfunctional. As a teen, I thought that - since everything I tried went wrong - that I should just plan it to so that I was prepared with what to do and say. But that has gone very wrong. Now it seems that even my brain is attacking me. Due to this mental illness, I isolate almost all the time. When I try to do anything, it seems to go wrong like I am cursed. I try to lift weights and exercise and moderation but only end up injured. Due to chronic foot and arm problems, I have had to stop all sports. This has caused me to become despondent. I can barely leave my apartment on weekends to do the laundry. I dread everything.

The thoughts have become increasingly violent with me fighting back and breaking people's faces or necks or stabbing or shooting them. The thoughts make me dislike almost everyone. I don't own any weapons and have never physically harmed anyone but, if provoked sufficiently, I now just might. I really would like to get revenge on the people who have been cruel. So, I just isolate.

I wish I could enjoy things and do the things that I would like to do but everything seems to go wrong. People have become more cruel than ever so I don't want to go out and meet anyone. I am not getting better. All it seems that I can do is hang on as best I can until this awful life is over.
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 10:32 AM
  #2
I know exactly what you are going through. Due to the abuse I was exposed to for the 15 months of my life starting at the age of 13 when my situation happened I get frequent flashbacks to those situations of abuse and harm towards me . I cannot say that it happens everyday, but it happens frequently still and like you said there seems to be nothing that can get you out of those thoughts when you are in the moment. My parents need to get me into a safe space when this occurs or I can cause even more harm to myself because I can get very distraught and so caught up in the thoughts it disturbs me. If it is not for my parents keeping me safe it would not be good.
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