Fell down a well...

Hi all,

I have a diag of C-PTSD, and recently have found myself fallen down a well into a sea of unconscious shame and sadness and fear...

My self-esteem has cracked beyond belief - I've been in therapy for 2.5 years and it's been going really well, but in the last two weeks I admitted myself to mental hospital, broke out twice, got formally admitted by law, requested and was approved to be discharged into a family member's care, but my heart feels...

Sad.

My face is sad. I like to smile; it cheers people up, including me, but I feel so sad.

Last night I had more flashbacks, and found myself in the water down the well. I almost had a panic attack, before realising I've spent more time down that well, diving into that sea (most of my life), than I have spent up on land, embracing life...

And that's a sad realisation, on top of already feeling sad; none of us should have to live down there...

So I've joined this forum, to be with people who might understand, and might be able to give a little reassurance...

Last night, in the process of flashbacks, and finding myself deep in the well, I envisioned something else; a series of boats, my friends, family, the mental health staff I met, all in "support boats", pulling me over to the banks, out of the water.

I have that awful "undeserving" feeling; like I don't deserve to feel better, like I'm unlovable... like my own love is poisonous...

I thought posting here would help me recognise I'm not alone in this kind of thing; and maybe that it can be healed. Cus maybe we can be each other's support boats or something; or, if like me, you've spent your life picking your own boat to pieces, splintered... maybe to be reminded that after all these years I'm a damn good swimmer in those deep conditions, and maybe learn some carpentry skills to help me piece my boat back together again so that I stop ending up in the water... (after all, there wasn't anything wrong with my boat, beyond my belief that my own boat caused the traumas I experienced, witnessed, and sadnesses and anxieties I caused others through it).

I read a post just now on the depression section about gratitude, and how helpful it can be, so... I feel grateful for the space to say this, grateful that I'm not actually alone (although I wish compassion and peace for all of us), grateful for the friends and family and other helpers who are still going for it - to pull me out, grateful for the health I have, and grateful for my capacity to see this as a moment in time, a drop in an ocean, not the final destination...

This latter one is scary; I get the 'tunnel vision' thing, and hone in on my hurts, and forget there's beauty and love and nurturance and kindness all around...

Sorry for the long post. Thank you all for being here...

I make a promise here to spend the next minute after posting smiling as best I can, even if it hurts, and I cry...

Trying to send love to you all, too
Thank you once more...

Not gonna lie, I've got a couple tears pricking the corner of my eyes, because this post was so genuine and sweet and just reminds me of the good things. So thank you!

I've felt a lot of similar stuff. Lately I've been beating myself up a lot for having fallen so far back. But I have to remember that the road to recovery is really long, and sometimes you fall down into the well. And that falling is not your fault, especially when that brick in the wall had felt so strong before it broke into your hands. I guess the difference is that you know which route to avoid when you dust yourself off and start the climb again.

The struggle of feeling "deserving" of love is a hard one too. I've always said that the only thing a person has to do to deserve love is exist, so why can't I let myself feel that? Why don't I apply to the ideal I allow for everyone else to apply to myself? I don't have an answer for that one yet, but I'm figuring it out.

I know I ramble a bit, but I definitely wanted to say you're not alone. And I like the idea of little supportive boats that keep us afloat.

Thanks for your post, and welcome. I experience the same thoughts and feelings that you expressed so well in your post. I get the same water feeling- getting pulled down, pulled out. Glass falling as well. Result of shame, sadness, fear, as you pointed out.
Sounds like youÂ’re managing it and working through it.
In a flare up itÂ’s easy to forget that there is good stuff, that things are probably going to be okay.
ItÂ’s reasonable to be sad sometimes and cry because life is full of sad things and weÂ’d be calloused not to feel them. IÂ’m exhausted of my traumas right now and feeling cranky because of it. It can be frustrating to express and expel such complex thoughts and feelings.
But, i do believe IÂ’ve been healing, and that healing is possible.
I like your swimming vs boating analogy, and the idea to fix the boat with new skills. Good visual. I hope you have been feeling better

Hello itslife: I noticed this was your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the coping with emotions forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/coping-with-emotions/

And then here are links to 5 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of cPTSD:

The Unique Features of Complex PTSD

C-PTSD and Interpersonal Relationships

Complex PTSD and the Realm of Dissociation

Complex PTSD | Psychotherapy Matters

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psych...wn-and-memory/

I hope you're finding PC to be of benefit.