[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Actually, I think anxiety is white...

Does anyone else see it as that?

White, and sort of like static electricity...

Today, at work:

I point out to the boss a useful report I ran the previous day. The boss later mentions that, due to factor X, we now have to run the report in a slightly different way. Or rather, if I'd been paying full attention to each item on the report (about 20), I would have been able to see that I'd handled it incorrectly.

No big deal.

So why did I instantly become judge, jury and executioner (against myself, of course)?

Perhaps half an hour later, I was able to recover, and back myself up a little.

That's something, and I'm grateful for it.

It's frustrating, though, as this was in a fairly relaxed atmosphere with a boss who was being OK.

It ruins my day!

[Kathleen83]

Ok, my jaw dropped on that one. Did the boss say the part about if you'd been paying attention, you would have known? Or is that you, being harsh on yourself? I can't begin to answer why you became the judge jury executioner - but I can tell you why I do. I was brutally taught to do that to myself, without even realizing it, by the one who caused me to have CPTSD to begin with. One thing among many I am trying to un-learn, coupled with something new trying to learn - how to not tell myself the same crap he always used to tell me...and trying to learn how to be kinder to myself. Maybe you, too?

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Kathleen83

Ok, my jaw dropped on that one. Did the boss say the part about if you'd been paying attention, you would have known? Or is that you, being harsh on yourself? I can't begin to answer why you became the judge jury executioner - but I can tell you why I do. I was brutally taught to do that to myself, without even realizing it, by the one who caused me to have CPTSD to begin with. One thing among many I am trying to un-learn, coupled with something new trying to learn - how to not tell myself the same crap he always used to tell me...and trying to learn how to be kinder to myself. Maybe you, too?

I can also relate grrrrr. Hugs to all in this thread

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Actually, I think anxiety is white...

Does anyone else see it as that?

White, and sort of like static electricity...

Today, at work:

I point out to the boss a useful report I ran the previous day. The boss later mentions that, due to factor X, we now have to run the report in a slightly different way. Or rather, if I'd been paying full attention to each item on the report (about 20), I would have been able to see that I'd handled it incorrectly.

No big deal.

So why did I instantly become judge, jury and executioner (against myself, of course)?

Perhaps half an hour later, I was able to recover, and back myself up a little.

That's something, and I'm grateful for it.

It's frustrating, though, as this was in a fairly relaxed atmosphere with a boss who was being OK.

It ruins my day!

Purple

(anxiety - like an unpleasant static electricity, or maybe like ice in my stomach)

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Yes, trying to be kinder to myself. Thanks, Kathleen. I just can't seem to do it in the work environment. Why oh why oh why.

I'm sorry you were brutally taught to be harsh with yourself.

It's just the most awful irony, isn't it, that we carry out their work for them, by mimicking their voice in this way.

The cause of my CPTSD (father) didn't verbally put me down. But his explosions of temper kept me on edge all the time. So I don't hear his voice in that way, saying I'm useless. That must be tough for you, if you do.

With me, my father was dangerous and sometimes completely lost control of himself. So, I absorbed the message that I might be killed. And I suppose that implied to my subconscious that I deserved to be killed.

That's the crux of it.

If only I could get in the way of that connection being made...

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Purple

(anxiety - like an unpleasant static electricity, or maybe like ice in my stomach)

Thank you so much, Fuzzy.

'Ice in the stomach' is brilliant. It really captures that sickening sensation. Much love

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Yes, trying to be kinder to myself. Thanks, Kathleen. I just can't seem to do it in the work environment. Why oh why oh why.

I'm sorry you were brutally taught to be harsh with yourself.

It's just the most awful irony, isn't it, that we carry out their work for them, by mimicking their voice in this way.

The cause of my CPTSD (father) didn't verbally put me down. But his explosions of temper kept me on edge all the time. So I don't hear his voice in that way, saying I'm useless. That must be tough for you, if you do.

With me, my father was dangerous and sometimes completely lost control of himself. So, I absorbed the message that I might be killed. And I suppose that implied to my subconscious that I deserved to be killed.

That's the crux of it.

If only I could get in the way of that connection being made...

I'm pretty sure there is some therapy out there that is supposed to help with this sort of connection being made... as in disconnecting it.. or de weaponizing it and how we carry out the abusers work for them by mimicking their voice in our heads - cruel irony Or out there in some locations anyway.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Thank you so much, Fuzzy.

'Ice in the stomach' is brilliant. It really captures that sickening sensation. Much love

Much love to you dear Purple

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I'm pretty sure there is some therapy out there that is supposed to help with this sort of connection being made... as in disconnecting it.. or de weaponizing it and how we carry out the abusers work for them by mimicking their voice in our heads - cruel irony Or out there in some locations anyway.

Thank you, dear friend

After so many years of thinking about it, I sort of forgot that I can keep looking for new approaches. I'll research it when I'm feeling a bit more chipper.

Much love. I really couldn't think of the words I needed...

De weaponise

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Thank you, dear friend

After so many years of thinking about it, I sort of forgot that I can keep looking for new approaches. I'll research it when I'm feeling a bit more chipper.

Much love. I really couldn't think of the words I needed...

De weaponise