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Tryingtobecomehuman
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Default Aug 22, 2019 at 02:15 PM
  #1
I have endured a very long hostage like situation. I was diagnosed with cptsd and I'm on medication. I was seeing a trauma specialist but I can only see her now every once in a while because I no longer have health insurance.
I have a disabled adult son I care for. We are both disabled but do not recieve disability. My spouse was psychopathic but took his life. People say that we're free now. It doesn't work like that. My son and I are working at living a normal life. It's been a harrowing task. I find it hard most times to do everyday things. I relive my nightmarish events almost every night in nightmares. I do not like to sleep. I have meds for that but they don't always work. My maintenance meds allow me to drive and go into stores again but my hypervigilance still limits me being in noisy situations, listen to music, concentration I need for tasks etc. I have friends but have no inclination to ever have a relationship, the thought makes my skin crawl. I feel emotionally dead. I get pleasure from nothing no matter how hard I try. I am still trapped. Will this ever end? Will the cage door always be open but I'm too afraid to leave it?
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Default Aug 22, 2019 at 03:25 PM
  #2
Hi Tryingtobecomehuman. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry for the loss of your husband. It is difficult anytime anyone takes their own life. It must be rough being disabled and having a disabled son.

Do you have an advocate that can help you get disability for yourself and son, survivor's benefits from your husband's death, help with caring for disabled son, and much more that you may need.

There are no easy solutions. Have you asked about mindfulness to your trauma specialist as a possible path to "letting you out of the cage"? It can be as simple as feeling the breath, sensing what is around us, being aware of what we hear, smell, taste or sense to try to get an anchor to keep us from drifting in our trauma thoughts. It is not a cure all but it can give moments of relief.

here are short articles that may be of interest

Coping with Change: Feeling Safe as a Trauma Survivor | Happily Imperfect

Coping In The Aftermath of Suicide | Healing Together for Couples

Five Steps for Dealing with Trauma

Acceptance by Padraig Harrrington

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Smile Aug 22, 2019 at 03:56 PM
  #3
Hello Tryingtobecomehuman: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So I just thought I would leave a brief message welcoming you to Psych Central. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Aug 23, 2019 at 06:18 AM
  #4
Greetings, Tryingtobecomehuman. Welcome to Psych Central. This place has been a god-send for me, over the years. Hopefully it will be for you as well. Being disabled but not receiving benefits is a huge battle all in itself. As CandC suggested, try finding an advocate to help you get benefits. Consider contacting a lawyer that specializes in disability claims, also. They can be of immense help - fighting the battle for you. Most don't need to be paid up front - they'll take payment when you finally get awarded disability. Worth considering. Having lived with CPTSD for years - I can tell you that it CAN get better than what you are living with now. Some of what I saw as "damaged", in myself, I now see as strengths. I no longer see myself as "victim" - but "survivor" - which means I am strong enough to overcome a LOT. I survived my experiences, after all - and so did you. Yeah, we have our internal battle scars - but that's ok. I, also, still have issues with noisy, crowded places. Among many other things. ;-p But, that is something that has gotten easier to deal with over the years. Which goes back to, things can get better. Time alone helped me heal to a point, just like a physical injury. Then, it was like physical rehab - I would expose myself to noisy, crowded places....knowing I could leave at any time. Sometimes I still do leave. Sometimes just moving away from the noise for a short period of time is enough, and I can "rejoin". Hang in there. You're not alone. You've all ready survived some pretty horrid stuff - so now, picking up the pieces, dealing with it, moving on? Yeah, you can do that too. Oh - I also have no insurance. I receive my counseling thru my county mental health facility - and they are wonderful people. Check and see if your county offers something similar. Even if you don't qualify for other services, based on income, you might still with this. Each agency seems to have different criteria.

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Tryingtobecomehuman
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Default Aug 23, 2019 at 06:32 PM
  #5
Hello and thank you for your replies everyone. Yes, we have an attorney and are fighting for his social security check , which we are allowed if we show disability. My son is presenting his case now and if he doesnt get it I will begin my journey at 50, in a little over a year. Yes, my therapist taught me mindfulness. It's difficult for me right now. Besides my husband I've had 4 other family deaths this year so I'm not what you'd call "with it" right now. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted. The loss of my husband was different. He was horrifying beyond the imagination. There is a grieving there...but it's oh so different. He was my hostage situation and all my dreams are of him coming back to life now. I do know that despite everything my son and I will keep moving. I'm glad to hear things will improve. There is no cure, but we can become better. I sure needed to hear your inspiring words. It's hard when there is no one you know has this disorder or understands it. I felt like an island.
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