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New Member
Member Since Jun 2018
Location: Florida
Posts: 5
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#1
So, first things first. I was raped when I was 18. It was my boyfriend. I sobbed through it. He didn’t finish. He screamed at me for crying. He told me how pathetic I was. He left my lying on the floor, panties and pants down at my ankles. I wanted to die.
That was ten years ago. I don’t think about him often. I don’t think about what happened. But a few days ago, I had the strangest and worst dream. I dreamt of having a fairly promiscuous relationship with a few random guys. It was weird and it felt like watching someone else do it. But after the random sex, which I inferred rather than saw or experienced, I realized it was me who did those things. I felt bad. Then I heard a knock at the door. I asked who it was. I recognized the voice of a friend. I opened the door. My friend was there, and behind him, a line of strange men. I knew what was about to happen. I slammed the door closed. But my so-called friend had his arm in the gap. He was too strong. I black out at this part, knowing I was raped by strangers, and the person I was supposed to trust. Next thing I know, I’m in a bar. Lots of college kids. And I see one of the guys that hurt me. He’s with a guy I thought was nice. I make eye contact with the rapist. He looks at me like he expects me to cry and run away. I don’t. I walk up to him. He looks down at me and asks me what I plan to do. I say nothing. I reach out to strike him across the face but he grabs my arm. He is too strong. But I’m angry. I strike out with my other hand, grabbing his nipple through his shirt and twisting hard. At first he laughs. But I don’t stop. I go harder, I put everything I can into hurting him. He crumbles to the ground. I place a knee on his chest, keeping him in place. The people in the bar are staring now. I look around at their surprised and confused faces and I shout, “This man raped me! He doesn’t regret it! He enjoyed it during and he enjoys it now!” And my voice broke. And for a second it seemed like the people would go back to their business. Maybe the rapist would win. But a few people came forward and took the rapist away. I felt like they were helping me. But my last thought before awaking was, “They’re protecting him from me.” I woke up sobbing and screaming. My partner was concerned. I haven’t been able to perform sexually since this dream. I don’t think my partner truly understands the absolute helplessness and shame I experienced all over again via my dream. What can I do? Is this going to randomly happen until the day I die? I never want to relive this. Never ever never. |
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Skeezyks
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Disreputable Old Troll
Member Since Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762
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#2
Here are links to 4 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject of sexual assault plus one that offers a technique for eliminating recurring nightmares. Hopefully some of the information in them can be of some help:
Healing from Sexual Assault Building Empowerment After Sexual Assault Sexual Assault: What Is It? How to Empower Recovery for Survivors Coping with Acquaintance Rape How to Eliminate Recurring Nightmares __________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2012
Location: rochester, michigan
Posts: 3,111
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#3
The horror of rape is something you cannot forget; it changes your life. You may want to consider seeing a therapist Quite frequently our minds bring up trauma; it is a way of saying it is time to deal with what happened.
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#4
Eabtrees, I see you are a new member here at PC so first I want to welcome you to the forums. I am very sorry you experienced a rape and that you ended up having that horrible dream where you woke up so upset the way you did.
There are times where a person can have a bad dream like this and often it tends to happen when a person is in a current relationship and may be struggling with some deep subconscious worries due to a past relationship that turned out to present them with experiencing something traumatic. When we dream we are experiencing REM sleep and that is when our brain tries to process and resolve our experiences and daily challenges. During our REM sleep, the brain tends to take an experience and connects that experience to the part of our brain that has problem solving skills. What this dream was about was showing you what you can do and some of what you can't do. We cannot CHANGE things we experienced in our lives that caused us discomfort and in that moment did not know what to do to avoid whatever it was that we experienced. Quote:
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I do want to let you know something (((Eabtrees))), what this guy did with you reflected just how much he did not know how to engage in having sex with a female partner. What he REALLY did was take out HIS OWN LACKS on you when that happened. Truth is, you don't really need to twist his nipples and cause him to cringe and end up on the ground where you can put your knee on his chest either. Instead, if you ever saw him again, you only have to look at him in a way to convey how completely pathetic he was in that he was so completely inept at providing good sex and how he acted like a spoiled brat because he was so completely INADEQUATE. That's really how you bring someone like that down and to experience shame. Truth is, HE was the pathetic loser in that experience. Any man that leaves a woman the way you were left DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE IS DOING PERIOD, he is just a pathetic loser. |
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