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IcyFire
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Default Aug 30, 2019 at 06:12 PM
  #1
Hi, this is a quick rundown of my situation. I am mid 40's. Two children under 4. I got away from a 4-year abusive relationship in November 2018.

The relationship was bad, verbal abuse every day, physical abuse a lot. I woke up every day dreading what was going to happen and if he was going to kill me that day. He had such tantrums. It was terrifying. He told me he loved me with such passion that sometimes he would cry. He also screamed that he hated me with such aggression that spit would fly from the corners of his mouth.

I had to think ten steps ahead of everything I would do or say just to judge if it would piss him off enough for him to lose control again. I lived every day in fear, shaking, feeling sick, dry mouth, sore stomach. I hated him. I hated his control over me. I hated that I was too scared to leave. I also felt sorry for him and wanted to help him which is why I got involved in the first place.

Anyway, he made my life a living hell since I broke up with him. I was living in fight or flight mode for years but increased since we split up as I didn't know when to expect him or where he was watching me from.

Sorry for the long post, it was meant to be short! Trying to explain where I am now is not easy.

Right now I feel very detached from everything. Only last week I had to get checked in a hospital because I am feeling light-headed a lot, getting heart palpitations, headaches that last for days. They found nothing wrong. More tests on the way but I think this might all just be stress. I have hardly any time to destress as I am completely on my own with two young children. I have 3 hours on the week days between 9 and 12 to myself during school term. This was out for the last month which meant I was with the kids from 7 every morning until bedtime, I think this is why things elevated to the point where I ended up in the hospital.

This is my first time joining a forum of this type. I am just hoping to find that I am not actually losing my mind and maybe others here are feeling something similar.

Every waking hour I think of what happened, or why it happened, or how it could have been different. I run it over and over in my head. There is no break from it. My ex also cheated on me and this runs over and over again in my head too. I watch my back all the time. I was convinced someone was breaking into my house and living in my attic. I thought there were people in cars following me. Every car that pulls up near my house makes me feel sick. Every knock on my door scares me. Sometimes I feel like I'm actually losing my mind and I'm not sure how to know if that is happening.

Ok, rant over, I need to leave it here as I've posted way more than planned.
Oh, also I think of death a lot, I mean a huge amount. I've stopped watching the news or reading any news because any time I hear bad **** I play that over and over in my head too and put myself in the situation.

Ok I'm guna stop now.

Last edited by CANDC; Aug 30, 2019 at 06:43 PM.. Reason: add paragraph breaks
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Default Aug 30, 2019 at 06:55 PM
  #2
Hi IcyFire. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry that you have suffered and are still suffering so much trauma in the relationship and raising kids all alone.

Any professional help you can get might be a real help in trying to cope with the loss of a relationship. I have heard that people need to reinvent themselves when they are grieving and feeling loss. It is almost like you are in a whole new movie, but the old one is still playing in your head. That might be the trauma. This may be of interest:

Trauma After Abuse

The Ultimate Pain: Recovering from Trauma

There are no easy answers to your situation but there may be life style changes that may empower you and lessen the fear and anxiety you feel. Yoga and exercises really help me to feel more grounded. I checked with my doctor to make sure I was in good physical health before starting. These are free yoga and exercise videos I use

YouTube

YouTube

There are also support groups. Check in your area for those.

Hope you get the support you are seeking.

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Default Aug 30, 2019 at 07:55 PM
  #3
You have suffered abuse in the hands of your ex.The aftermath of abuse is horrific.You need to take steps to heal and self soothe. I am so sorry you went through it.
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Smile Aug 31, 2019 at 04:47 PM
  #4
Welcome to Psych Central, IcyFire. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Nov 19, 2019 at 06:15 PM
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Welcome to pc IcyFire

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