Lasting effects of childhood trauma :(

I was abused emotionally and sexually by my stepdad for eight years as a kid. The emotional or mental part involved his constantly criticizing me and putting me down. He never had a nice thing to say about me.

Now here I am, a menopausal woman, and I have been having strong reactions to being judged or criticized by my husband. Sometimes I react to stupid little things and realize I've overreacted but sometimes he says things that are truly hurtful. My father in law has been pretty insensitive/not very nice to me at times too, btw...I'm having a hard time staying in the "here and now" when this happens; my trauma issues are being triggered. Last night I was discussing all of this with him and he said, "You're an adult." Yes, I'm an adult; I work part time, raised/am raising kids, run a household, etc. but there's a hurt kid inside me that often comes to the surface, even after all these years. What has helped any of you when it comes to being triggered and reliving traumatic feelings?

Hi Amy. We share a bit of common road, you and I. Both past and present. Here's a funny for you - new therapist recently diagnosed me with BPD and PTSD. Several sessions in, I got the giggles over thinking hey, maybe now that I'm menopausal, it's all hormones related (my current issues) - and not psych related! That isn't the truth of the matter, of course. As you recognized in yourself, you're dealing with the lasting effects of childhood trauma, as am I. I do think my being menopausal might be adding to my current struggles, but certainly isn't the cause of it.

So, what helps me? Bits and pieces of everything I can think of. Recognition of what triggers me. Telling my husband, over and over and over, if need be, that I even HAVE triggers. Which he occasionally trips, even if he doesn't mean to. Teaching him that when he DOES trip those triggers, I am going to have a strong reaction. Teaching him that it isn't his fault I have triggers, isn't his fault when they are triggered. Teaching him that yeah, I'm an adult. I'm an incredible adult. I survived the past, have done many wonderful things in my life, despite the past. Teaching him that just because I AM an adult doesn't mean the "childhood" stuff magically goes away. Just like a physical wound can leave a visible scar, mental wounds leave emotional scars.

As far as what helps me when I'm being triggered - if I can recognize that a strong emotion I am feeling is because of the past, and not really from the present....I walk away from whatever triggered me, until I can regain control. When I can. I know, not always possible.

Mindfullness exercises - to keep me in the "here and now". To keep me calm.

EMDR therapy to help that "reliving traumatic feelings" crap. Here's the funny on THAT - I thought I was doing well, because I went from not being able to talk about my past, to feeling very comfortable talking about. I had accepted that I was always going to have flashbacks, get stuck in them, have to suffer through them. I even asked my therapist, why would EMDR help me, how could it help me? Talk-therapy didn't. Turns out, a completely different therapy technique could, and is, helping. Talking didn't change the emotions around the past events. EMDR helps me process the emotions, and truly put things to rest.

EMDR is not the one and only therapy for processing emotions for PTSD; it's just what I'm doing.

Sounds to me like you're a pretty incredible woman, yourself, and you've come a long way from where you were. Great job, to be self-aware enough to recognize that your past and present are getting tangled up, and causing issues. I'm trying to now accept that this doesn't mean I'm "just damaged goods" with no hope of ever NOT living life this way. I'm trying to believe my therapist, when she says what I'm going through now just means, time for more hard work to improve myself.

As for dealing with those "your father in law type people" - I'm trying to accept that some people are just going to be insensitive, if not down right mean. In the past (and currently) - I've dealt with that by just refusing to let them in my life. Not the best way, I think, to deal with it, but an effective way, for me. Current therapist says she can help me find a better way...we just haven't gotten that far yet.

Again, what I do / have done, is what works for me. I hope you find what will work for you. Yay, you, for looking for what will help you.

I don't think there is such a thing as "overreacting"---there is a reason we react the way we do. (I am 72).....verbally, physically and sexually assaulted as a child....then married a man who was abusive --31 years of abusive marriage; then divorce....(we tend to marry the person who abused us and try to fix the past).....The Verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. I When your husband says hurtful things do you tell him it was hurtful? Does he apologize or blame you for feeling hurt? Most abusers deny their abuse. You might want to consider a letter of "restorative justice" to your step dad; restorative justice says....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU...a letter is good, because they can't try to deny, explain or talk over you. I think it is very powerful, standing up for yourself and telling the truth. As children, we have no voice or power ; as adults we can speak. ...of course you are having strong reactions to being verbally abused. Abusers usually hate/dislike themselves and take it out on others. They are emotional "vampires". As for what helped me....I read everything I could on verbal abuse;; knowledge is power, and once I understood that the abuse had NOTHING to do with who I was/am,it helped a lot. I am hypervigilant about verbal abuse ...and recognize it the second I hear it; it is on tv all of the time, and so prevalant in society. All of your feelings are valid....honor them and don't let anyone decide who and what you are. xoxo

I agree with the above. All of us who have survived protracted childhood abuse are strong, incredible and have come a long way. And don't let anyone else decide who or what you are, however negative and rude or over complimentary (for their own agenda..) they may be.

Sorry it took me awhile to see your reply. Thanks so much for all of your insights!

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply!