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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 09:35 AM
  #1
I have hallucinations when I have flashbacks. It looks like I am underwater. Faces look distorted and monstrous. During my flashbacks I believe my loved ones are trying to gaslight and harm me, though I know in my right mind that they aren't. These episodes last usually for about 2 to 4 hours and they are terrifying. I cry and wail and cuss my husband out. I have memory loss during this time and my husband has to tell me what I have done later. I read that flashbacks with psychosis are a sign that PTSD is very severe. I have never told anyone, not even my therapist or pdoc. It is always very embarrassing and shameful for me and I hide it from others.

I am wondering if others experience this. Sometimes I feel I am the only one. It always makes me feel like I am crazy and should be committed.

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Default Jan 14, 2020 at 01:24 PM
  #2
I've believed that others are trying to gaslight me too. I do have a gaslighter who continues to abuse me, but I have to sort out the real events from the delusions that can arise when I have a flashback. It's very confusing. I've never had the feeling of being underwater but this is probably a way that you detach while dealing with the flashbacks.

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Default Jan 21, 2020 at 06:57 PM
  #3
I haven't experienced what you are - but you certainly aren't the only one who has thought they are totally crazy - I hit that point because I dissociate, along with having PTSD. I actually told my therapist that I felt like how I imagine a sociopath would feel, if that sociopath also had DID. (Which I don't have.) She laughed, and that was a good thing. Have you given any thought to the possibility that you might be experiencing more than CPTSD? You mentioned "flashbacks with psychosis", but also mentioned that you haven't told any of your treatment providers about what you are experiencing. I totally understand why you are holding back from telling them, but....is that (not telling) helping you, or hurting you, at this point? Is there maybe a way you can bring up that you are hiding something from them, without getting into exactly what, so that they can help you get to a point where you CAN bring up the specifics? And by the way, YAY YOU - for sharing something that is so scary for you to share. I'm sorry these episodes make you feel ashamed. I hope you find a way to ease up on yourself a little. THAT, at least, is possible to do.

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Default Jan 27, 2020 at 08:24 AM
  #4
Thanks Kathleen. I finally told my therapist. It was hard, but I did. He feels it is part of the psychosis from stress at the time of flashback. I haven't had an episode in about a month, which is really good. Maybe the new meds are helping. I also think that telling him may be helping some too.

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