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cheell
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Member Since: Jan 2020
Location: germany
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#1
i struggle with depression and anxiety and i've been diagnosed with depression & PTSD. My whole life was a chaos and mess (i've been emotionally and physically abused from my father and from his ex-girlfriend too, i've experienced emotional neglect from my mother and my grandpa sexually assaulted me) i've been moving from one traumatic part of my live to another one. I would like to describe my struggles in key points, it's easier for me, since english is not my native language.
- fear of abandonment & rejection - short lived relationships & either i give everything for my partner ,even when i have to blame me for their fault so that they won't leave me or i date someone who i don't care about anymore if i found someone else - black & white thinking in different parts of my life but mostly in my relationships - i don't know who i truly am or what i am talented at (i don't have any hobbies cause i can't stick to one thing for long time) i don't know what is right for me, what or when i want, i am just confused cause i can't find a place where i fit/belong in - i am not self confident and i hate my body, when i see a picture of my body i want to cry because i just think it looks really ugly - i have serious anxiety about what other people think about me or tell about me, it gets to the point where i try to avoid the people or talking to them - i feel guilty all the time, about what i did/said or the way i did it, even when someone change the tone of their voice when they say Hi to me cause they had a bad day etc. i think it's because of me and that they are angry at me and hate me and that i did something wrong. - i am afraid that i destroy my partners and their life, when my boyfriend is sad because of me, it's like a torture for me, all i want to do in the moment is to bang my head against the wardrobe or something because i made him feel this way and because i want these guilt feelings to disappear - i mirror emotions from other people, for example: when my colleague is angry i become angry or sad too cause i just can't see someone sad or angry it's just unbearable - my mood changes really often, i could cry in one moment and in the next i will jump and laugh - i feel like i am missing something, a part of me or something like that - i have anger outbursts, but only around people that are really close to me (my boyfriend/my brother etc.) but mostly i get really angry and aggressive in a relationship, most notably when i feel hurt or in danger, i react then really angry/impulsively/desperately and i have no empathy or understanding for my partner all i want to is to hurt them exactly like they hurt me (even if they didn't do something wrong) - i do this push&pull thing where i test if my boyfriend comes back to me even if i started fight or become angry for no reason or when i am really unfair and mean to him - sometimes when i become anxious because of something i am afraid of, it gets to the point where i become an anxiety attack - i hate it when person ignores me or leave me even on read it's the most painful thing - i experience Tension conditions , mostly when i get angry and rarely without reason - i can't control my emotions and sometimes the feelings are just too intense and i can't handle them, then i just want them to stop or i just want to die so i don't have to feel them anymore i am sorry if there are some grammar mistakes and for writing this much stuff, i just wanted to let it finally out. I am really grateful for every help. Last edited by bluekoi; Jan 23, 2020 at 01:06 PM.. Reason: Add triggger icon. |
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Skeezyks
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#2
Hello cheell: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. The Survivors of Abuse forum, here on PC, may also be of interest to you. Here's a link:
https://psychcentralforums.com/survivors-of-abuse/ Here are links to 7 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that may be of interest: What It's Like to Be a Complex Trauma Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse Healing from Complex-PTSD in the Aftermath of Narcissistic Abuse | The Savvy Shrink Complex PTSD and the Realm of Dissociation Affect Dysregulation and C-PTSD https://psychcentral.com/lib/c-ptsd-...relationships/ https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...-sexual-abuse/ https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-step...r-inner-child/ I hope you find PC to be of benefit. __________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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#3
Welcome to pc cheell
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#4
Welcome!
I definitely relate to a lot of what you've described. I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. In a way, people with experiences similar to mine, and possibly yours, do indeed have a piece missing. I said very similar words to the first therapist I ever saw, as a student. She didn't get it, unfortunately, but many years later another therapist helped me greatly by mentioning the phrase 'adapted child'. I wish one of the therapists I consulted during my life had mentioned it to me sooner! Why know the correct phrase for a person, and not tell them? Anyway, that's just a bit of a rant. In my understanding, an adapted child is often so scared of, or put-down by, by their so called carer that they focus all of their attention on them just in order to survive. As well as this state of sometimes decades-long hyper-focus, the child is rarely or never given the chance to do all those things their fellow children are doing. Being naughty. Testing boundaries. Finding out what they need and want. And, of course, safely expressing anger. I can pretty much say that the last one has had a big effect on my life. Many of us simply don't know how to do it! I'm not meaning to be gloomy. Things do get better! Please feel encouraged, and know that you're amongst people who understand. |
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#5
Welcome to PC, Cheell! I can relate to a lot of what you're describing. I'm so sorry you've been through all that. I hope you get good help now!
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__________________ "Little girls don't stay little forever. They turn into strong women that return to destroy your world." ~Kyle Stephens
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