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TishaBuv
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Angry Feb 27, 2020 at 08:54 AM
  #1
Sorry deleted

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Default Feb 27, 2020 at 08:02 PM
  #2
I'm sorry
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Default Feb 27, 2020 at 11:39 PM
  #3
Son is demanding we apologize for not attending wedding where we were to be humiliated. He said we had no right to our feelings. He wants nothing to do with us ever again because we stood up for respectful treatment and our values. I feel like it was an excuse to drive us away. He has no love for us, only brainwashed convictions, which conveniently support his new wife’s desire to be rid of us as we put a damper in her controlling him.

Husband wants to write off son for good.

I can’t live with the lack of love from one of the people I felt the more pure, true love...my first born son. It’s just too much to not even have that, and I really don’t care to live anymore...too painful. I won’t take myself out, but a nice deadly virus would do just fine. Honestly, folks, I’m so done.

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Default Feb 27, 2020 at 11:41 PM
  #4
It’s ok. I read it and I was gonna reply now because I didn’t know what to tell you yesterday. Only, don’t lose hope.

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Default Feb 27, 2020 at 11:46 PM
  #5
I hope our son comes to his senses, breaks free from the brainwash, and remembers how his mother loves him with all her heart and soul. Silly boy to question the person who would give her life to have his back.

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Default Feb 27, 2020 at 11:50 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
It’s ok. I read it and I was gonna reply now because I didn’t know what to tell you yesterday. Only, don’t lose hope.
You mentioned your looks. I also had a negative self image about mine. Big nose, emaciated skinny, small breasts... very self conscious. But I made the most of it as soon as I could wear make up and attractive grown up clothes. Guys liked me and I always felt they were mostly taken by the artificial ways I attracted and not my raw looks, which we not beautiful. The total package was attractive along with the attitude and how I carried myself.

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Default Feb 28, 2020 at 01:14 AM
  #7
I thought you were referring to romantic relationships in general. How old is your son, if you don’t matter telling me?

Yes, I took into account your reply about my physic. I’m more confident now that I’m older and it’s now that I’m daring to take advantages of my positive points, you know, making up, style of clothes. Thank you.

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Default Feb 28, 2020 at 01:16 AM
  #8
Btw, if you prefer to talk about your issue in private, you only have to pm me.
I’m myself living a reject relation with my mum just now. I mean, I feel rejection towards her.

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Default Feb 28, 2020 at 10:34 AM
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Default Feb 28, 2020 at 10:58 AM
  #10
Can you explain how you were going to be humiliated?

A wedding these days is often very different from the traditional weddings of the past. And it's something that is often mostly planned by the woman more than the groom to be. Also, due to how expensive weddings are, they are often planned VERY different from what traditional weddings had been. Actually, many young couples choose to not even have a wedding but instead do something extremely low key which can be so different that parents can feel very left out because their thoughts tend to be of experiencing something more traditional.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Feb 28, 2020 at 11:12 AM..
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Default Feb 28, 2020 at 11:36 AM
  #11
Don't let your son guilt trip you. He has to learn to honor your boundaries and perhaps you are being taught patience and that you are "enough" even when you enforce your own boundaries. The reasons they are mad may be more about them than you. You had your reasons for not going to that wedding. Don't second guess it. Try not to continue to rethink it (I know it might be hard but distract yourself as much as you can. ) If your son doesn't understand in this life, he will in the next. It is likely that you and his wife are teaching him important lessons. Some lessons in this life do not come easily. Hang in there--you can get through this. You are in my prayers.


Last edited by TunedOut; Feb 28, 2020 at 11:58 AM..
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Default Feb 28, 2020 at 01:20 PM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
Btw, if you prefer to talk about your issue in private, you only have to pm me.
I’m myself living a reject relation with my mum just now. I mean, I feel rejection towards her.
He was 24 when this happened last year. You can have a few substitute moms on here to care about you.

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Default Feb 28, 2020 at 01:41 PM
  #13
[QUOTE=Open Eyes;6782335]Can you explain how you were going to be humiliated?

A wedding these days is often very different from the traditional weddings of the past. And it's something that is often mostly planned by the woman more than the groom to be. Also, due to how expensive weddings are, they are often planned VERY different from what traditional weddings had been. Actually, many young couples choose to not even have a wedding but instead do something extremely low key which can be so different that parents can feel very left out because their thoughts tend to be of experiencing something more traditional.[/QUO

There was nothing but offensive treatment from the start with his fiancé. Then something so over the top I can’t even say because it will expose anonymity if this should really hit the fan. We bent 99% to accommodate them. They bent 0% for us.

I am convinced this is a ‘get rid of his parents for total control of him’ situation. It was done so well he thinks it’s all his idea.

Trust me, I know my feelings are right about this.

Last night his now demanding our apology is just another trumped up excuse to keep us out of his life.

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Default Feb 28, 2020 at 02:01 PM
  #14
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Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post
Don't let your son guilt trip you. He has to learn to honor your boundaries and perhaps you are being taught patience and that you are "enough" even when you enforce your own boundaries. The reasons they are mad may be more about them than you. You had your reasons for not going to that wedding. Don't second guess it. Try not to continue to rethink it (I know it might be hard but distract yourself as much as you can. ) If your son doesn't understand in this life, he will in the next. It is likely that you and his wife are teaching him important lessons. Some lessons in this life do not come easily. Hang in there--you can get through this. You are in my prayers.

Yes, he wants us to apologize and say we were wrong for not going to his wedding and being happy about what he was doing. We are not happy about what he was doing. I don’t feel sorry or think we were wrong. And I think he is being mean, controlling, invalidating, and using this to drive a further rift.

Where since right after the wedding we just wanted to move on, he is still mad and wanting us to invalidate ourselves. It’s just cruel and I’m not going to do it. I’d rather mourn my once loving son than degrade myself to a hateful, unrecognizable person.

You quote about things happen for God’s purpose is spot on. There’s obviously something I must do with hat these hurts are teaching me.

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Default Feb 28, 2020 at 04:23 PM
  #15
My mom came up with a good idea. Tell him we’ll apologize and so will he for us both hurting each other very much.

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Default Feb 28, 2020 at 07:37 PM
  #16
I've been thinking about your heartbreaking problem a lot. It's really sad to see you suffering. I don't have kids, but can imagine...

If you don't mind me saying, you seem to be caught in the Pain, Anger, Denial loop, desperately moving from one state of mind to another. I recognise it as something I do when I'm suffering.

I wish I could say something that would help.

I keep thinking that maybe if you can see this as a conflict resolution problem, it might throw new light on the situation.

If you can somehow reframe this, as a falling-out rather than an end...

An agony aunt in one of the Sunday papers here was really good with family conflicts. I often wondered if she herself had a difficult daughter-in-law. But her solutions often surprised me, in that she, first, acknowledged the pain of the person who was asking advice (typically a parent who was desperately worried about their grown up-child), but then, she'd almost suggest that it, in the great scheme of things, it didn't matter .

The details didn't matter. In a way, the pain didn't matter! She was just like a heat-seeking missile, zoning in on a day not too far in the future, when the family members could bear to be in each other's company, and advised the correspondent to do whatever it took to get to that point.

Sorry if that's painful to hear.

What I meant was that she focused only on how the outcome could be achieved. I'm not underestimating what you've been put through! And I'm sure there's lots more you could say...

I do remember that an important factor in getting to that point was in the correspondent's realisation that they have ZERO power to change their relatives. They can only change themselves. A bit. Just for the sake of maintaining some kind of contact.

Crucially, the correspondent (usually, as I say, the parent) is allowed to fake it!

Faking it is fine!

They can smile knowingly, and roll eyes behind the (for instance, daughter-in-law's) back. They can bang their head against the wall as soon as they leave. Chew the carpet.

That's a perfectly valid way to be!

As for your son, I really do feel there is a good chance that he Is genuinely hurting about the wedding...

In which case, why not send a blast of pure love right to the heart of his pain?

I'm really sorry about the wedding.

I'm sorry about the wedding.

I apologise for the wedding.

Don't add any other words. Just repeat that simple message, over and over.

From your heart to his.
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Default Feb 29, 2020 at 11:27 AM
  #17
After reading about your story with few detail, I’m gonna dare to give you a little push forward. I think your son is hurt.
I understand that you both are in pain. It’s normal, what Purple Violet says makes a lot of sense, take the last conversation with your son as the first step for an approachment

I challenge you to name a single family who is perfect.

Maybe your guy needs to understand that his attitude didn’t make things easy either. So, give you both a chance.

I don’t know if I’m getting very wrong from the few details I know but I can talk to you from a daughter perspective since I don’t have children and I’m not a mum.
A daughter who had quite a few problems with both parents and I swear you that I can’t blame them without recognising also my role.
So no blame on any part, only trying to understand each other. Little by little, will good will on both sides.
This last paragraph is based on what I’ve lived. And if it could be a reference, I will tell you that it took more than the 24 your son is.

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Default Feb 29, 2020 at 11:36 AM
  #18
My husband and I talked about just giving him the apology he wants- to say that we had no right to our feelings, were wrong to feel it, were wrong and deeply regret not attending his wedding— even though none of that is true.

If it would repair the relationship and our son would start treating us as he used to, we’d do it. But it wouldn’t do anything except give him and his wife some kind of victorious power they seem to be craving.

So I feel like I just need to stay away and am severely depressed.

@AzulOscuro Do you want to talk about what happened with your parents? Maybe I can help as a mother to repair your issues.

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Default Feb 29, 2020 at 11:55 AM
  #19
I understand you, I know your son has to learn a lesson. If I defended a little his position is because I sort of think he’s not now aware of what he’s asking you or your perspective and because I know at that age, we can still be so blind. We can be so selfish because we get our feelings hurt. His wedding was so important for him but I agree with you that we are not alone and our parents are so important. He will understand and I’m on your side about not wanting to apologise because it wouldn’t be fair, and also, we will built on a bad basement, a lie.
I’m more friend of talking about how each one see the thing and how both feelings get hurt than apologise. Apologising is easy but it doesn’t take anywhere if there isn’t a good understanding and good will.

Thank you for your offer. It means you are a great person. I don’t want to bother you about this issue, it’s something I happily treat with my dear dad, unluckily three years ago deceased. And now, I’m trying to face the issue with my mother. You know...I even have been having nightmares lately and suddenly waken up and couldn’t sleep again. It’s normal. I’m suffering as you.
Of course, I’ll very likely touch a little the topic here on the public board but I rather share with you other more positive stuff. But, I take into account your offer. Thanks.

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Default Feb 29, 2020 at 12:03 PM
  #20
I think sincerely asking for forgiveness for not attending the wedding is the only way to go.

I can’t think of a reason for not attending my daughters wedding, and I don’t know if she would forgive me. (Maybe if she was marrying KKK member and guests were required to wear KKK hoods as a dress code). Other than that in my understanding we make an appearance and put up with whatever and leave early if it’s too much. So you must have extremely extremely serious reason to not attend.

So if I decided not to go and clearly hurt my daughter, I’d beg for forgiveness. I’d not expect her to just move on. It’s too painful and embarrassing for a child. And he’ll likely never forget it. My dad walked off the middle of my brothers wedding over 30 years ago, didn’t like my sister in law. They didn’t estrange over it but we never forgot it. there was never an apology. Your son will not forget it but you can change the future by making amends.

I doubt your son doesn’t love you. He likely is hurt embarrassed and mad.
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