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Thirteenth Hour
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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 06:34 PM
  #1
The most immediate problem I have at the moment is... I need to finish my Thesis. I'm running out of time.

I love to research, write, analyze, speculate, etc. That's not it the problem, normally I would enjoy this so much. I'm a perfectionist, I love to go back an edit. But the last years I just haven't been able to. And I'm running out of time.

I often freeze, in terror. My body tenses and hurts. I just can't. I get tachycardia and my chest hurts, my hands shake. So... I engage in any other activity I can to avoid this. Anything. But ideally something that takes time and keeps my mind focused and fully occupied. For example, a good long open-world videogame. It can turn into addictive behaviour. I obsess, I draw pleasure from it. I make lists and I enjoy so much exploring every little pixel and side quest.

I feel pathetic because I never freeze with anything else. I fight my way through even when I've felt terrified for my life, even in those dangerous situations in my past I'm quick to react and survive. But this? It's just a paper, it's just words! No?

I know that part of it is because I feel I can't speak my mind freely, I can't use my words naturally, my own voice feels muffled. I need to force it into a rigid format, as academic and logical as possible. Poetic or abstract is not appreciated. It's not creative writing, it's high academic language. Constraint by titles, citations, page numbers, etc. I feel I ignore too much, that no one will take me seriously because I'm no expert, no matter how wise or insightful I can prove to be.

I've been wondering about this so much. Part of the problem may be the critic and corrections that I receive. I feel I'm so wrong whenever I see even the smallest one. "Oh, how did I not see that? How did I not think about that? What does my supervisor thinks of me?"

The earliest traumatic memory that I could link to this is of my mother supervising when I was learning to write. You now, the first exercises, O I O I, O X O X, etc. She grabbed the paper when I was done, judged it, and then ripped it in front of me, telling me that is was fecal matter, and made me start over from the beginning until I did it as perfect as possible. She repeated this I don't know how many times. Made me fill pages and pages. And it wasn't only this time, she did this with every homework for several years, until I acted out because I wanted to do it on my own.
Possible trigger:
That would explain why I feel like it's futile to try, or why I dread the corrections would just keep coming back forever.

But the thing is... how the Hell do I get over all that in time? How can I deal with this? I need to finish my proposal ASAP. I'm close to finishing but I freeze badly, any techniques I can try? Talking myself out of it hasn't done much...

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Smile Jul 10, 2020 at 02:23 PM
  #2
I'm sorry I don't really have any useful suggestions for you, although I know what you're facing. Many years ago I found myself in the same situation. In my case, I just forced myself to do what needed to be done.

By the time my back was against the proverbial wall, so to speak, I was living across the country from the school I attended. I wrote to the head of the department to ask about how to proceed. I recall that when he wrote back he said only about 10% (I think it was) of people in my situation actually went on to finish their theses.

Here are links to 8 articles, from PC's archives, on how to deal with procrastination. Hopefully some of the information in these articles can be of help:

Learn About Procrastination

Procrastination: The Stalling Game Your Mind Loves to Play

Getting Help for Procrastination

Tips to Beat Procrastination

10 Simple Steps to Stop Procrastination

https://psychcentral.com/blog/to-end...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/procra...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/getting...ination/?all=1

Best wishes...

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Default Jul 13, 2020 at 07:04 PM
  #3
Ah, I know, it's terrible. That has always been my approach whenever life gets gritty. Just push through, fight on.

I will definitely (and carefully) check out the links. It'll definitely help with the procrastination part.

The part that I don't yet know how to address are the physical and emotional triggers (that -facepalm- I forgot to fully mention before). For example, the muscle tension and aches that happen when I force myself to do something that triggers me (like this silly monster paper), the panic I feel in front of it (and that keeps coming back), the tears that come to my eyes, or the rage I feel inside, the need to scream, etc. Normally, I stand up and try to walk it off, or sometimes I clean things (or myself, I tale a shower), but it all takes time, is there any faster way to regain focus and stop the pain? Any technique for that?

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Default Oct 05, 2020 at 03:37 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
I'm sorry I don't really have any useful suggestions for you, although I know what you're facing. Many years ago I found myself in the same situation. In my case, I just forced myself to do what needed to be done.

By the time my back was against the proverbial wall, so to speak, I was living across the country from the school I attended. I wrote to the head of the department to ask about how to proceed. I recall that when he wrote back he said only about 10% (I think it was) of people in my situation actually went on to finish their theses.

Here are links to 8 articles, from PC's archives, on how to deal with procrastination. Hopefully some of the information in these articles can be of help:

Learn About Procrastination

Procrastination: The Stalling Game Your Mind Loves to Play

Getting Help for Procrastination

Tips to Beat Procrastination

10 Simple Steps to Stop Procrastination

https://psychcentral.com/blog/to-end...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/procra...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/getting...ination/?all=1

Best wishes...

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