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Default Jul 24, 2020 at 02:20 PM
  #1
Hi guys,
I’m not new to forum, I was around under another user name about 3 years ago and tried to be relatively active in some of the forums. However this is a new one for me and I had a question first. Is this an active section if the forums? It’s really nice to talk to people who can relate and I was wondering if this would be an experience like that for me.

So, let me just give a run down of how this played out. I’ve been in therapy and receiving medication for my mental Illness for about 6 years now, but of course my problems started well before that. I initially was pegged with dysthymia, major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. That turned into a probable bipolar II diagnosis and I’m not even sure those things are still considered now. I received a new psychiatrist and therapist when I traumatically left home and had to adjust to living in a city in a pretty harsh way. My therapist is convinced I have PTSD and that’s the principal issue, at least right now.

Of course as we develop this story there is a lot of physical, emotional, and psychological trauma in my life. The kind of stuff you wouldn’t dream of, or only saw on TV or horror movies... it wasn’t your family... except it was. Anyway, to the point here. Despite what your stance on repressed memories are— a few years back after I moved out from my moms house (again, not a great situation) and things were better for me I had a rush of memories and emotions overwhelm me, play out in my head and it was like I was reliving them again. Memories I know I had probably not thought about since they happened and they sure as hell wouldn’t come up even if probed about trauma, at least not easily. I got confirmation later that the events happened.. I literally spent without exaggeration a day and a half in my floor crying.

In recent days, some more came to light. Not as many and not as severe. It was overwhelming and emotional but I wasn’t incapacitated like before. Anyway, with all the traumatic events I remembered, added to these new memories I had obviously forgotten or stored somewhere different in my mind the idea of complex PTSD was thrown around.

I understand I have lots of PTSD symptoms... but these are events that happened 20+ years ago. Is it really possible to have PTSD from it now? I mean intrusive thoughts , images, avoidance ... it’s all there, but it just seems weird to me. I’m no psychologist and don’t pretend to be or understand the complexity of things like this, but I was just curious if anyone else has had a similar story in that you’re labeled with PTSD for events well in the past.

My life has been filled with abuse and traumas and it’s not a wonder that I would have a disorder reflecting that, I guess. I’m frustrated with the memories that came back. It’s really inopportune and I’m just trying to get my life together, I don’t need **** from so long ago creeping into the equation. I get it’s all about processing the information and coming to terms with things but... I don’t even want to look at it and on top of that I don’t have time. I have to work on getting things settled in my life where I am on my feet again. I’ve made great strides but not quite there yet.

So I know this is hard to answer not know my medical history or having the training, but I wonder if my new therapist views my depression and anxiety as a reflection of PTSD specifically, that is, are symptoms of it-1 or if she is thinking they are concurrent with PTSD. I guess the best way is to ask, but it doesn’t really matter. I guess what I’m trying to say is, we can resolve the memories of trauma, I’ve done a lot of that throughout therapy based on things I did remember and experienced. Getting to a good place where PTSD isn’t controlling my life, but managed is good — but the depression and anxiety are still there. They all interconnect and I know that, and the underlying roots kind of all stem these issues but I feel like you could “cure” the ptsd and there are chemically and physical changes the trauma has done to me, that those mental illnesses are part of me and not just a symptom of PTSD.

I hope I’m making sense. It’s actually a moot point. It doesn’t change treatment and we work with the primary issue at hand and right now it’s these memories and getting my life together. I guess part of me just is afraid we’re gonna put all our eggs in one basket and expect the other issues to disappear once we find some resolution. I guess that’s something I need to discuss with my therapist.

I guess most of the post was useless for you to read. I kind of answered my own question. I know where to go for those answers.

So my question is reframed — were you diagnosed with cPTSD many years after the fact? and do you have mental illnesses such as MDD, GAD, BPD or others Comorbid with PTSD or are they approached as only symptoms and not their own diagnoses?

Thanks for reading.

MarcusAurelius
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Default Jul 24, 2020 at 03:04 PM
  #2
Hi M,
I didn't find your post a waste at all. You are thoughtful and self directed and determined to understand so you can get back on your feet. And you seem to want to increase your faith in a vision of yourself past the worst of all this. Good for you.

I pictured myself a confident and loving person all through my initial recovery, and that vision helped pull me forward.


I was diagnosed with cPTSD 6 months after my mother died which was when I first had any concrete memories of her abuse. Prior to that I had periods of anxiety or depression that seemed to come out of the blue and then resolve again. But the trauma was the source of all the symptoms; PTSD was always first in line even before I knew it. One of my therapists explained that many children don't recall details of abuse until they are adults and feel some sense they can fend off their abuser. It's always about survival.


So for me the cPTSD is the source for the other migrating symptoms. It all made sense once I knew that my mother wasn't just "neurotic" as we labeled her but horrifically abusive in every way possible. I dissociated those horrible events to just stay alive, but I got confirmation of my memories from external sources. And personally, I am frankly grateful that I didn't have to live with those memories all the in between years. I have spent days curled up in a ball as well because flashbacks aren't just memories. I was re-experiencing actual life-threatening situations.


After 3 years of intensive therapy, I felt past the worst. I lived my life all those years but often in gripping pain. But the same will to survive kept me functioning at work and home and pushing toward healing as relentlessly as my mother acted out her malevolence toward me.


I'm still that hyperstartle person that family knows not to sneak up on. I cannot watch violence on tv or movies. I may always have a sense of foreshortened future. I have to work on facing conflict and standing up for myself in some situations. And I have a resident level of anxiety, but that doesn't prevent me getting to my goals. I am on one remaining medication.


I won. I am well past her and all she did to me. I still work to develop areas of myself that were stunted by neglect and abuse, but I live a full life. Whenever issues arise, as they have with the death of my father last year, I get back into therapy and turn the corner much sooner than before.


Hope this helps. (And also, I was on this forum years ago during my initial memories, and I found more direct and timely responses to my posts then. I hope this particular forum is active because it's really important. Those who have been through genuine trauma where your bodily and soul integrity were threatened are the ones who truly get it. So we need each other.)
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Default Jul 24, 2020 at 10:27 PM
  #3
@kateyesofgreen thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. You’ve given me a lot of insight and some hope to aspire to. First, let me say that I’m so sorry for all you’ve endured. I know it’s not much consolation, but no one deserves abuse or maltreatment and frankly you deserve/d better. I’m glad to hear you’re at peace and while you may still have your issues you are working towards a positive goal and “ thriving “ As they say. But I am curious, did you have any of the following issues coming to terms with everything?

1) I have a very hard time accepting the memories for what they are. I guess from a psychological standpoint, it would make sense a lot of sense. As a child I couldn’t come to terms with who my mom was and the treatment of me, that wound is still open and the problem remains to be fixed. It’s no wonder I hid that part away in my mind. I know that I’m being vague and I do apologize for that. I would really like to express more but my pride, sense of shame, tendency to withdraw and sheer distrust in most things and many people contribute to that. I hope you understand. Without knowing the situation, I feel I can relate a lot to what you’ve mentioned in your post. And reliving these moments, I know the person I’m seeing, hearing, touching is my mother but I can’t get myself to put two and two together in this case. I can’t let myself believe it was this way. Like you, I chalked up everything my mom has done to her being neurotic. The emotional and psychological abuse which I’ve known my whole life is one aspect. With these memories come so much physical violence, both witnessed and endured. This is the person I just can’t associate with who I know it is. I feel panicked and scared when I try to understand it. So my question to you is, did you have issues accepting the memories for what they were in the way I’m talking about? Knowing that it did in fact happen and others and attest to it, but unable to put the fragments together or associate one with the other?

2) were there any specific coping tools that seem to help you get through the hardest part of your PTSD? Currently I’m using a very simplistic method that I’ve kind of constructed myself. Because I can’t afford to break down, i’m almost 30 and have to be an adult and live life. There’s no room for all this now. But it has to be dealt with. So, every day I allot time to listen to a playlist of songs which have a deep and emotional meaning for me. I listen to them, I write a little, I express emotions a little by talking out loud, or just allowing myself to feel such as crying or feeling anger and remind myself that even though it’s unfair I have to relive these moments I technically have already “survived”, I am still waking forward and that’s all anyone can really ask of me. Was there any one tool That helped you the most? Just curious.

3) I have a hard time accepting the diagnosis of PTSD because as serious and life-threatening the situations were I minimize the danger and the abuse in my head. I absolutely hate the Rhetoric of “survivorl”, because it feels as if I should be accomplished and strong. I had to freaking eliminate the memories to even cope, how is that a survivor? That’s a broken person who could not deal with how life was. I can’t survive what I never really dealt with. I guess the idea of survivor changes after therapy, but to hear people say I survived the trauma is almost insulting. I wouldn’t be in this position if that had happened. did you ever have problems accepting what you knew from the memories and emotions was abuse and you had to enter “survival mode” to carry on?

All that being said, on some level I know it’s just typical feelings and ideas of someone with PTSD. But I wanted your take on it, if you don’t mind sharing with me.

I have life goals I want to continue working toward but my depression and anxiety and cPTSD are big hinderances in all that I guess the sooner I find ways to accept what happened and let go the better. Therapy with a new therapist is hard . I still have my old one as backup though. I hope to find a way out of this hole.

Last question: what was your biggest support system/person/group? What and how did they help you? Could you recommend anything?

Thanks again for reading. It means a lot.

MarcusAurelius
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Default Jul 25, 2020 at 12:39 PM
  #4
Your questions are thoughtful and directly on point for taking next steps to emerging from the initial hell storm of memories.
1) When I began to accumulate at least a dozen memories or outside verification of severe neglect (first year of life), of literal death threats, and of life risking assaults, it still took me months to unreservedly call my own mother's actions abuse. I thought: Good grief, whose own mother does these things? What kind of unlovable freak am I? How am I even here, and how did I get here not knowing? Surely these nightmares and flashbacks will turn out to mean something other than I lived through a Cybil movie.


When I look back now, I see this period of numb disbelief as protective. Again, it's all about survival, all the time, past, present, future. And so I'm putting an answer to your last question next.

3) My view of myself as a survivor has grown in layers of complexity with therapy. But I never saw my dissociation (withdrawing mentally from agony that would be so intolerable as to threaten my sanity and ability to function in between assaults) as somehow taking away from my resilience. As my current therapist says, you developed ingenious ways to not die either from physical abuse or even die of despair. One creative way to survive is to mentally check out until you can breathe again. There are many other ways to get to a space where you are no longer being abused. However, there is a clinical definition of PTSD, with symptoms that are measurable, and that is not value laden, just helpful for direction of treatment and healing.


Remember, we were CHILDREN. We were at primary stages of mental and psychological development. No child can be expected to make sense of their caregiver behaving in ways that can be lethal to that child either physically or psychologically or spiritually. Most of us carry debilitating shame from just having been nearby to such atrocity. A child has "omnipotence" as in the feeling that everything that happens is because of something they did. So I am being abused because I am bad, a burden, a mistake, a loathsome presence.


To me, there is absolutely no difference in resilience or survivorship whether one remembers concurrently or later. None. We all made it out. And I don't judge how we made it out either, unless we abused others. Addictions and acting out and self harm and overachieving and athletics and codependency--just different ways to survive. Some can lead to more life pain than others. (The reason I dissociated is likely an intricate interaction of my sex and my cognitive and personality styles and my SES and my family makeup and the qualities and abusive style of my abuser. Too complicated to make judgments about, so I don't question. It just is.)

And true healing and actual thriving does not involve harming self or others, but if you made it alive to now, you are a survivor in good standing.


2) Allotting time is brilliant. I used that. Keep the damn intrusions cooped up as much as possible.

--Friends and my sister that I could trust (and yes, I don't trust well because Erickson's first stage of trust/distrust was utterly blown up for me) were crucial. I had 2 same sex friends who understood something about psychology and trauma. (My ex spouse was of no help.) I had permission to call them anytime, day or night, and talk about the new memory or talk about a tv show, just talk to a human who intended me no harm and conveyed no impatience. (Sometimes I called hotlines to give friends a break.) Sometimes I was doing my breathing and self talk and grounding exercises out loud to them on the phone.

--(These tools are also critical.)
--I had 2 precious children to not just live but be healthy for. Thank God they are both loving humans who showed great compassion for me when they were old enough for me to share just a fraction of my past with them.

--I read everything about recovery, including psychological texts on treatment. Knowing why and what and how made me feel empowered.
--I kept an updated vision of my future, healed, successful, confident self always before me.

--I had a relentless determination to win this battle and not allow the evil that was my mother to defeat me.

--I drained myself of adrenaline with physical exercise.
--I had the BEST therapists, a woman who got me through the first and worst, and then a man she referred me to after she moved out of state. Worth their weight in gold. Not a single penny wasted for someone who is capable of accompanying me in ways that directly lead to my truly traumatic wounds being healed. Saved my life.
--For me personally, I have a faith that sustains me. The fact that I'm maintained a belief in a God who intended far better for me is testimony to that God's love for me, even though I screamed at God in agony and fury many times throughout. God never flinched.

I cannot express to you how much I respect your courage and your integrity and your iron will to soldier through. This is not a battle for the faint of heart. You are doing God's work for your own God-beloved self.

Those of us who know what it takes salute you.
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Default Jul 26, 2020 at 06:47 AM
  #5
I'm sorry for intruding into your conversation, but I was hoping to make a few comments.

First - wow you both set aside time to feel things on purpose. The mere idea terrifies me (which probably means it's a good idea, haha) but it makes me wonder why none of my therapists have suggested it, since all of them have been annoyed with me for being numb.

Kate, you said, "talk to a human who intended me no harm and conveyed no impatience. " and this struck such a chord with me. I only know ONE person like this, and she has PTSD too. And I don't call her because I don't want to bother her when she has her own problems, lol. I don't really want to call anyone, really, because all I'd do at those times when I feel most alone is just sit and cry, and I can do that without a phone to my ear, haha.

You are both inspirational to me - making forward progress!!! I'll keep watching this thread, if you don't mind.
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Default Jul 26, 2020 at 07:02 AM
  #6
“So my question is reframed — were you diagnosed with cPTSD many years after the fact? and do you have mental illnesses such as MDD, GAD, BPD or others Comorbid with PTSD or are they approached as only symptoms and not their own diagnoses?”

Yes to all of the above. Now I am being told by new psychiatrist and psychologist there will be no more diagnoses, so they won’t give me any diagnoses which I asked for them to discuss to clear up all the above, conflicting diagnoses given by a series of other doctors. They say the new approach is simply to focus on the symptoms.

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Default Jul 28, 2020 at 11:51 AM
  #7
I'm sorry for intruding into your conversation, but I was hoping to make a few comments.

First - wow you both set aside time to feel things on purpose. The mere idea terrifies me (which probably means it's a good idea, haha) but it makes me wonder why none of my therapists have suggested it, since all of them have been annoyed with me for being numb.

Kate, you said, "talk to a human who intended me no harm and conveyed no impatience. " and this struck such a chord with me. I only know ONE person like this, and she has PTSD too. And I don't call her because I don't want to bother her when she has her own problems, lol. I don't really want to call anyone, really, because all I'd do at those times when I feel most alone is just sit and cry, and I can do that without a phone to my ear, haha.

You are both inspirational to me - making forward progress!!! I'll keep watching this thread, if you don't mind. Diagnosis and treatment


You are not intruding! We are all just trying to encourage and learn from each other.


I hope your therapists aren't really "annoyed" with you.

As you may or may not have read about me, I'm a survivor as well as a retired therapist. And as a therapist, symptoms never annoyed me. The client can't help those! That is what we Ts are trained to find creative approaches to! I'd recommend asking if you think this is happening, and an honest T will say no, I'm not annoyed with you but it may be you are annoyed with how disabling the symptoms feel right now.


Also, I know what it's like to feel that I was such a burden to my abuser that I must be to everyone else. It's okay to ask for reassurance from a T or from anyone.


And if your one friend who might be an understanding listener is able to say how often you might be able to call and if she's feeling overwhelmed, then you could perhaps still help each other. Don't rule out hotlines either. Some listeners are really empathetic. It helps to have a non-judgmental human, live, focused, caring present-day voice when the past voices or inner critic are yelling at you.

If I am going numb in my current therapy, I no longer lose track of my current surroundings, I just lose the ability to think about what T is saying and respond. So I'll say that--"I'm stuck." Or you could even develop a hand signal. A good therapist who knows you can sometimes tell if you are blanking out.


And my T gets it (we've been working together off and on for a dozen years) and T helps me localize into my body. If my stomach is clenching (common for me) or my head feels exploding or my limbs are going numb or whatever, we work on what message that might convey. If I have no words, T offers some possibilities until I can latch onto one and work with it. Sometimes I just say, "oh, ouch" and T knows where I'm at developmentally. My T leaves me with better understandings every single session.


The thing that I'd like to add is the developmental piece. For childhood abuse, there were normal stages that were derailed. This leaves me with big gaps for things that seem straightforward to others. Like trust/distrust (check out Erik Erickson), and autonomy, and shame/guilt. When I know what areas I need to "grow up" in, then I can think about how a "good enough" parent would have responded to what I'm currently going through and try to talk myself through.


I have 2 grown kids, and I can think about how I would have responded when they as little ones said things I'm still feeling even as an adult. "I'm scared." "My tummy hurts." "I can't do that." "Something awful is about to happen." "I can't explain." "This is too hard for me."


It is just simple kindness to get alongside someone who is lost inside wordless anguish and say "I'm here. We'll figure it out. You are okay. I love you. Hush now and just breathe." When we consider how that would have consoled us as children, we can try to give it to ourselves now.


I'm getting wordy. I'll stop now.


Just keep breathing. I am really proud of all of us who bravely fight to come out from the darkness. Healing is possible!

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Default Jul 29, 2020 at 06:21 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by kateyesofgreen View Post
I'm getting wordy. I'll stop now.
I 1000% valued everything you just said - not too many words for me, anyway, lol!

I have had a few Ts who I knew were NOT annoyed with me, were very patient and sweet. My Psych-doc is that way too. I have had a few Ts who, without, question, were annoyed with me. I'm blocking myself from feeling emotions on purpose, I'm deliberately using my coping mechanisms to not take things seriously, I'm not remembering even though I could if I really tried, because it only works if you work it. Etc. I know 'mind reading' isn't advisable, but my parents were totally nuts, and I had to be able to screen out clues VERY well, and tell when they were getting annoyed, or whatever, because that meant I needed to make a swift exit for my own health and safety. Over the years, I've learned that I can make those same judgements, correctly, about other people as well. Interestingly, my youngest child has inherited the ability to read faces without any of the corresponding trauma. If we play poker, she can tell me what cards are in my hand, lol. (No kidding, I won't play poker with her, because she always wins. She'll say, "Oh, you just got an Ace. I fold" and be right!) I can't tell what people are going to do, or what they're thinking, but I can tell if they're getting annoyed, impatient, or angry, and I typically respond with either flee or fawn, lol.
I just don't know what to do about asking people to listen. I don't even know what I would say if I asked someone to listen. I don't think I have anything TO say, I just feel terrible, and what can anyone do about that other than listen and feel bad for me? And that just makes them feel terrible too! I don't want to be the Johnny Appleseed of misery, so I just keep it to myself.
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Default Jul 29, 2020 at 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Toughcooki View Post
I 1000% valued everything you just said - not too many words for me, anyway, lol!

I have had a few Ts who I knew were NOT annoyed with me, were very patient and sweet. My Psych-doc is that way too. I have had a few Ts who, without, question, were annoyed with me. I'm blocking myself from feeling emotions on purpose, I'm deliberately using my coping mechanisms to not take things seriously, I'm not remembering even though I could if I really tried, because it only works if you work it. Etc. I know 'mind reading' isn't advisable, but my parents were totally nuts, and I had to be able to screen out clues VERY well, and tell when they were getting annoyed, or whatever, because that meant I needed to make a swift exit for my own health and safety. Over the years, I've learned that I can make those same judgements, correctly, about other people as well. Interestingly, my youngest child has inherited the ability to read faces without any of the corresponding trauma. If we play poker, she can tell me what cards are in my hand, lol. (No kidding, I won't play poker with her, because she always wins. She'll say, "Oh, you just got an Ace. I fold" and be right!) I can't tell what people are going to do, or what they're thinking, but I can tell if they're getting annoyed, impatient, or angry, and I typically respond with either flee or fawn, lol.
I just don't know what to do about asking people to listen. I don't even know what I would say if I asked someone to listen. I don't think I have anything TO say, I just feel terrible, and what can anyone do about that other than listen and feel bad for me? And that just makes them feel terrible too! I don't want to be the Johnny Appleseed of misery, so I just keep it to myself.

Ha, the Johnny Appleseed of misery! That's a good one!


I used to feel exactly the same way. And my default may always be to keep things hidden within, though I've learned to recognize and counter it.


I have learned this comes from 2 things: 1) never having anyone who cared to try to soothe me so having no experience or expectation of how that might be forthcoming and worth the risk of revealing my need; and 2) absorbing the idea that my pain and need and even my presence is a burden to others. As my sister said of my mother always referring to me as "a difficult baby"--you weren't difficult, you were just a normal baby and she didn't want to be bothered!


My 2 most excellent T's gentle offering of the compassion of empathy, reliably and whether I could take it in at that moment or not, taught me that caring humans can be a source of genuine relief. Even if I have to steal away with their words or even their tearing up for me and savor the consolation later, I would tell them the next session and my lesson was being learned. I always took notes immediately after sessions because I'd suppress the moments of real connection from my mind so quickly just like you to "protect" even when what I was running from was attunement that I desperately needed.

Putting my tears into words is a skill that helps decrease the numbing. For me it's like getting out of the wordless terror of right brain images by employing left brain verbal and analytical strategies. And yes, it's work. But I find it so empowering!


I totally get now what you mean about reading annoyance. My reading tells me that I likely over-interpret toward the negative, but yes I learned to read people as a a survival skill. That turned out to work well for me as a therapist because I was very focused on the process inside the client moment by moment, and that attunement alone is healing.


Here's the reason why it's self care and healing to risk reaching out to a listener. In trauma, neurons in our brains are put on high alert and stuck there. Like sympathetic system dominance over parasympathetic. This causes most of the key PTSD symptoms. So if I connect with someone who can remain calm and empathetic while I am in anguish, my neurons will come to mirror theirs and my brain actually changes to less screaming and more just honest and understandable emotion of a traumatized child. I can take in soothing and learn to soothe myself. It's transformational.


This journey is effortful. There have been many many times when I have resented that I even have to do all this work. But I'm now accepting that I have a determined resilience in me, and that's an admirable quality I can credit to most of us who are on this path through no fault of our own. God bless folks who've never been through trauma, especially in childhood, but it's hard for them to grasp just how much courage we survivors possess! March on!
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Default Jul 30, 2020 at 06:01 AM
  #10
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Originally Posted by kateyesofgreen View Post


I have learned this comes from 2 things: 1) never having anyone who cared to try to soothe me so having no experience or expectation of how that might be forthcoming and worth the risk of revealing my need; and 2) absorbing the idea that my pain and need and even my presence is a burden to others. As my sister said of my mother always referring to me as "a difficult baby"--you weren't difficult, you were just a normal baby and she didn't want to be bothered!

.........

Here's the reason why it's self care and healing to risk reaching out to a listener. In trauma, neurons in our brains are put on high alert and stuck there. Like sympathetic system dominance over parasympathetic. This causes most of the key PTSD symptoms. So if I connect with someone who can remain calm and empathetic while I am in anguish, my neurons will come to mirror theirs and my brain actually changes to less screaming and more just honest and understandable emotion of a traumatized child. I can take in soothing and learn to soothe myself. It's transformational.
Thank you so much for explaining that. Yes, I can't imagine 'soothing' being a good thing. I've only ever had people try to encourage me with 'you can do it' a few times in my life and I always find it very very uncomfortable. I feel like they're pressuring me to do whatever it is, and I'm saying, inside my head, "I KNOW!! I'm DOING it, I'm working as hard as I can, leave me alone!!" I don't find hugs comforting, I don't find soothing words comforting - not that I've had a whole lot of either. I sure do/did hug the heck out of my kids though, lol! I can give love, support, soothing, etc to the moon and back. I just can't have it myself.

I had a T tell me that doing nice things for people (I am a little overboard in doing things for people) is manipulating them. I really don't agree. Sometimes I do it out of fear, like throwing a steak to a tiger who wants to eat you, to distract them. But most times I do it because it just feels better to be ++nice than it does to be ambivalent. I don't think I'm doing it to make people like me, (what the T thought, I am manipulating people to make them like me)
I think I'm doing it to make myself like me.

I never even began to understand why asking someone to listen could be helpful - your explanation was a real lightbulb, thank you!!!!!! So I need to figure out words for my distress, and then actually eke them out to someone. Probably multiple times. Ugh! LOL! but it gives me a starting point! I'm DETERMINED to conquer this mess. I didn't live through all this crap to let it ruin the rest of my life. So seriously, thank you - I think that's the most beneficial advice I've probably ever gotten in my entire life.
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Default Jul 30, 2020 at 08:48 AM
  #11
Determination to conquer the past is an engine that won't quit. There is life beyond that dysfunctional family, that abusive person, that traumatic event, that unbearable loss. It encourages me when my years of therapy and reading and effort result in not just a new life for me but insight for others who are living now what I survived years ago, both originally and in the healing. The scars remain, literal and figurative, but we are not defeated. Toughcooki, your name is apt. And all of us can picture many measurable victories and a medal and a parade.
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Default Jul 30, 2020 at 08:02 PM
  #12
Hi again,
I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I know I started this thread and I really enjoyed reading all be insight and valuable connections with people who understand. However, I feel him at an impasse. Let me know if you experience something familiar because it’s something I don’t really know how to deal with.

When all these memories came back to me, I spent hours thinking about it, ruminating on it and talking it out with myself. I talked to my therapist about it. Hell, I talked to anyone who would listen (well, just one friend). When I say hours I mean countless hours. I work 10 hour shifts at work and I spent at least three days talking to myself and contemplating this while I worked. It made work go by quicker which was great, however it left me completely mentally exhausted. I meet weekly with my therapist and I canceled on her this week. I just couldn’t go through it again and again and again with her. Nothing against her, I just couldn’t mentally make myself do it.

I’m just so damn tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I rehashed this scenario over and over and over and I know that I have not “resolved“ everything and I know that I’m not “cured“, but in a sense it’s not affecting me like it was. At least not consciously is what I’m saying. I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I don’t want to think about it anymore, I just wanna break. I’ve recently entered into a depression with very common symptoms for me. Not getting out of bed, feeling alone, wanting to be alone, not eating or over eating, constantly trying to sleep but never getting rest. That kind of stuff. I explained it to my psychiatrist today and we made some more medicine switch ups. In six years I’ve tried like 14 medicines, in different combinations, as monotherapy, and different dosages etc. I’m so tired of trying to find something that’s going to help, especially something that will help long-term. He put me on an anti-depressant that didn’t work for me. It was mono therapy at the time, and I didn’t care for the side effects that I gave. However he suggests that we try it with my other medicines. I am not holding my breath. I don’t know if it will help but I know that it takes these medicines a while to get in your system and help you feel better. It’s like starting all over again.

And I may be splitting hairs here, and it may just be me denying that my PTSD is a chief complaint. However, my psychiatrist asked about sleep and if I’ve had any nightmares or bad dreams. I’m not reliving the moments anymore or doing much thinking about them, but when I sleep I do have bad dreams and nightmares more about my current situation and failed attempts of certain things that do bother me. Perhaps they are related, since they did start after these memories came back and I am not able to process them cognitively while awake.... but he decided to prescribe me a medicine called prazosin. It’s supposed to help with PTSD related nightmares. It’s actually a blood pressure medicine. I feel it’s unnecessary and I don’t want to take it, in fact I don’t wanna take any of the medicines. I believe in medicine adherence and that it can help, don’t get me wrong. I just feel kind of defeated.

My therapist is trying to help me, my psychiatrist is trying to help me, and they all seem to think since day one, before these memories came back, before anything that I had PTSD. They are professionals in their opinion should matter more than mine in this regard. But I do think they are missing the big picture. PTSD may be the root of all my problems, who the hell knows. We’re talking about stuff that happened 20+ years ago. I’m sure all that affected me somehow and my depression and anxiety and whatnot they all stem from PTSD. Let’s just for the sake of argument say that. But I have suffered depression and anxiety my whole life. They may just be symptoms of something greater, but their symptoms that I need help with. I guess what I’m trying to say is even if they stem from PTSD, I’m just not convinced that if we “ remedy“ the PTSD that suddenly these other problems are going to disappear. It’s a complicated subject I guess and I’m not being too cooperative I guess either.

I guess what I’m asking is did you ever just feel so tired of talking about it and thinking about it? I sincerely mentally do not have the issues about flashbacks or rumination or anything right now. In my waking life, anyway. I just can’t force myself to process it anymore. Please tell me I’m not alone here...

I just want to feel like someone can understand all that.

MarcusAurelius

(P.S. I dictated this to my phone so if it doesn’t make sense; sorry. It still makes less errors than I do typing: haha.)
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Default Jul 31, 2020 at 04:53 AM
  #13
First, I want to say that prazosin has been a HUGE help to me. And it works fast. I used to have nightmares every night. Not necessarily about my traumas, but nightmares. When I started prazosin, they stopped. Boom. I only had them maybe one nightmare, once a week. (I used to have them all night every night, waking up every 15-20 minutes) It's started to become less effective over time, I now have weeks where I get a single nightmare every night, and maybe once a month I have the nightmare marathon night. But it's been a lifesaver for me.
I am also medication resistant and sensitive. Meaning that nothing much works for me as far as depression or anxiety, and I tend to get uncomfortable side effects. I've tried so many meds I don't even remember and am currently taking one that doesn't have much effect but has no side effects, in hopes that eventually it'll build up enough that something positive will happen, lol. Because I'm leery of starting over with a new medication. I know how you feel here.
I am tired of dealing with it every single day. Before I started reaching out for mental health help, I would simply forget it & live in denial. Until it popped back up again, which would be awful. And then I'd fall back into my nice comfortable denial. It's so easy to just put it aside, and rest, and have a nice normal happy life1! ignorance is bliss, right? but - it isn't going to go away, so putting it away is just putting it off for you to deal with later. Maybe you're taking too big a bite out of things? Maybe you can take a break from something big, and just practice dealing with/processing something small? I would FOR SURE tell your T about this feeling. If you do, I bet you'll get a break of at least one session, talking about how you need a break, and why! LOL!!
Sending encouragement. You're not alone.
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Default Jul 31, 2020 at 02:28 PM
  #14
Just a brief thought:

it's entirely possible that one can have a brain chemistry problem that's been there for a long time and involves serious anxiety and depression

AND

to have PTSD with symptoms coming in waves and then receding.


Either issue alone can be tiring. Together it could be exhausting. So no wonder we feel like just making less effort toward healing for a time!

May there be folks around you here and in real life who uphold you as you navigate a really tough time and encourage you that still and always healing is a worthy goal of which you are worthy.
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